Category Archives: Waking Up to Love

Do You See Clearly?

Lately I have been seeing things a little bit differently than I have been… The change was sudden, but noticeable.

And it all started when I began to take meditation more seriously. After I did that for almost an hour every night. I started to see that I might have been under false assumptions about what the truth really is.

Society and People

Up until about a week ago I married into the butcher shop that I worked into, sat down the manager and said taking me off the schedule was sexist. I wasn’t scared, but I know it rattled them to their bones. And I was being weened off the schedule while other people were keeping their hours. I felt it was the right time to speak up.

I was pretty sure that women had to become stronger than men themselves. But that resulted in me always being prepared for a fight. Having to puff my chest out. And having to tone down my natural happy ways. It was a little bit exhausting….. And I realized not very feminine. Which is who I am…. I had it wrong.

Loving Everyone?

I know it sounds really strange coming from my mouth. Especially because I have swung the opposite way from extremely assertive to now loving everyone.

But what I’ve realized is the truth is being unveiled to me. It’s a little bit more clear each day. Everyone one of us is part of the larger dance of reality. Yesterday I was in the grocery store, and I felt like everyone was moving slowly. The baker was talking about bread to a customer, a girl was walking by with a few products in her hand. And I was watching. As everyone was playing their divine part in the larger dance of reality.

Not really awake or aware to the larger picture of life. Each one was innocent and important. And so I feel right now it’s important and I can’t stop myself from becoming much kinder to everyone. Because everyone has something worth saying.

True Friendship in an Era of Disruption

I was browsing Instagram, recently, and I saw a random photo of a person I didn’t know. The caption said “mentors may not look like you thought they would, but I’m grateful for them.” At first I thought the caption was rude. And was poking fun at the mentors like there was something wrong with them.

But the more I let that thought stick in my brain and the more experiences I’ve had where people have reached out to me in my own life. I realized that friends may not look like I thought they would, but I’m grateful for the people around me that I now call friends.

Because it was so hard for me to let go of the concept of friends that I had in mind. For me, friends were 30-someting, young, cool people doing something interesting. I kept searching and searching for them. In a sea of people, I tried to connect with others who fit this description. I was always left having to change myself. Or their presence brought out a side of myself that I didn’t like. It was insecure, or I had to talk like Kourtney Kardashian or something. (RE FLAG: whenever I talk like Kourtney Kardashian I know I don’t feel comfortable.) What’s your red flag behavior?

I just read a Facebook post in a group I’m in and a woman mentioned how she explains herself often to people and she’s tired of it. That is another red flag. When you feel misunderstood. It might not be a good idea to keep trying to explain yourself, in the hope that the person you’re trying to impress will suddenly love you.

I’ve learned if they don’t show love right off the bat or make it easy, then they will always make you work for it. And that is not genuine. That is abuse and unhealthy.

I have real friends

As I’ve posted I was just fired again. And was in a deep depression because of it. Getting fired always stings to the core. It is one of the most severe things I’ve found. It is like disappointing your parents x 5.

I canceled my trip to Gettysburg. And thought “this is not how my life was supposed to go at this point…..”

And then I got a call from a number I didn’t have saved. I answered the phone with a grumpy and unfriendly tone, “Hello?”

It was my friend throwing the event. She said her name as if smiling and understanding about how my tone was so grumpy.

She said “I just want to let you know you’re not invisible..and I think you should still come to the event.”

Part of me wanted to put on a brave face and shake off the connection. I don’t need anyone.

But the more I thought about it. The more I was grateful for that exchange.

I’m grateful for her friendship. I’m always amazed at how people haven’t given up on me. Sure plenty of people have left my side and fallen away. But it is always true that the real people you need in the moment won’t abandon you.

And I think of my other friend Michael. Both of these friends are not in my generation. But Michael, who created Aisling Dream Interpretation, has been with me through the lowest lows and I feel like I can be my most authentic self.

It is true that friends are treasures. And so I leave you with these quotes:

“When you’re at your lowest point and have nothing left to give. Look around you. Only your true friends will be there.” –

“If you have nothing in life but a good friend, you’re rich.” – Michelle Kwan

The moral of the story is people are important. Friends are important. Friendship is a mutual exchange of love. One where you don’t have to try to be anything but yourself.

Friendship might not look like you think. You will know someone by the fruit they bear. And if the fruit is an authentic you, then you have struck gold.

Chasing Others: A Pattern From My Parents?

I’ve had a really big realization this morning while I was half-awake, half-dreaming dreaming about an incident that happened when I was a small child. I was a pretty hyper/creative child bursting with energy. And one day my dad locked me in my room and in the dark. Now, my dad and I have a really good relationship. And he is very sweet and well-meaning. I don’t hold anything against him now.

But back then, It was a very scary experience for me. And I still feel that I am wounded from it. I can feel the wounded energy that echos out from under me, deep, deep, deep down inside of me. It almost feels like an echo of Gab coming from inside of my gut. 

But how does this coincide with me today?

Well, more noticbly last year I’ve noticed that I run after people to try to get love and attention. Especially the past two years really, it feels like I always have to put in the effort. In every area of my life, in my business, to make contacts, to make friends, to potentially say I’m interested in someone. And it’s not normal that I have to do ALL the leg work.

Now, I want people to want to reach out to me. I want to be around people who want to be around me. I don’t want to chase after others and demand that they give me love and attention when they don’t want to. It has nothing to do with whether they want to give me love and or attention with their conversation. It has to do with my responsibility to myself and for my life. Who Do I want In My Life?

Missing Love

What is it that I ultimately want from these warm bodies? Love. The love that I didn’t get from either parent. And because I just healed as much as I needed to from my mom’s parenting. Then, in my body I feel that this issue is caused by my male energy or parenting from my dad’s side.  

I have to ask myself, do I think that this is love? This is my normal. Nudging people along in conversation.  Pulling and being a tug on people to engage with me. 

This morning I lay in bed and realize that I am doing this. I realize that I am better than this. And I finally take my needs into consideration.  I don’t want to hold these people like a conversation hostage. 

Impressionable Moments

I can link my desire to just have random and long conversation but empty conversation with someone back to my mom. When I was little she would spend hours talking on the phone in the morning to her friend Pat in New York. 

I have been needing a crutch to talk to. To fill in this missing piece. The doughnut hole in the center of my heart that is missing. That needs to be filled. It needs to be filled with love. But it can’t be filled with love from an outside source. AS I’ve mentioned before that will never be satisfying. It needs to be filled with love from the inside, and healing to whatever caused the hole in the first place.

I’ve asked myself a few questions this morning while laying in bed: 

Question: DO I want to talk to these people deep down inside?

Are they really the kind of people I can see myself being friends with?

If I am honest with myself, are these people interesting to me?

What is that I want in a friend? What is it that I would enjoy and want to do that is fun?

A New Development… Taking Back Responsibility of My Life

My life is on me.

I’ve decided that I will enjoy myself. I’ve always hated when people tell me to enjoy myself because how can I? It’s so boring just being by yourself, you obviously need people to be happy… duh… But this is where I’m at right now.

So, once a week I will do one FUN thing and enjoy myself. And hopefully that will send a trickle effect out into the universe to help me attract more love into my life.

This week: I am gonna tackle the Seattle Big Wheel! I am so excited. Maybe I will even stop at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory after. 😉

Taylor Swift's Latest Album Cover

Themes for this week

This is it folks. The moment I fall into Taylor Swifts Technicolor world, full of cats, puffy clouds and fun. 

The themes for last week are Taylor Swift,Fun, Puffy Clouds, Lighten Up, Good Bye Depression, Coming out of Depression, Steps to take back my power, and going against patterns if it feels scary.

The Room Situation…a clue to my inner world?

After weeks of laying in a messy almost unbearable apartment, with a stench, followed by self-depricating thoughts of “if I cared more about myself I would clean.” I literally couldn’t bring myself to clean the apartment. I would lay on the hard spring mattress which I put a yoga mat over and a trench coat. The springs would dig into my ovaries. It hurt….

Dishes in the sink…..

No matter how much I tried to care and clean up I was locked in to not clean. 

I made small improvements like calling a cleaning service to come at the end of January to deep clean my apartment. It needs it, in the 5 years that I’ve lived in I’ve never deep cleaned. Just surface level. So this isn’t a luxury it is a health necessasity.

This week I’ve made small daily improvements, It’s all I could do. Just now, I’ve cleaned up all the paper and trash that I’ve had just laying around.

Papers, scaps, receipts, wrappers, pens on the floor, tons of junk mail, scribbles on paper of the same future plans over and over again. It’s all got to go. To make room for new growth. It’s a reflection somewhere in my psyche of how I feel about myself, how I was raised to treat myself. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a situation like this.

I am going to redecorate my apartment. So far I didn’t even decorate it. I never let myself have the joy to decorate and live in a comfortable apartment. I basically lived in a depraved state, not allowing myself comfort. 

But now I want my life full of color. I want fluffy furry comfort. And plants. Lots of plants. And love. And a desk. And those cool white bowls. Dreaming of decorating my apartment is special. Because I’m trusting myself to do it, to pick out what I want. It’s an act of love. 

Living in the darkness is not fun. Living in messy, depression, anger, coldness, lack of love and care is not how I am meant to live.

It stifles creativity, it stifles wonder, it stifles fun, and moments, and joy. What I’ve learned through all of this is it’s definitely much better to be not depressed than to be depressed. I’ve also learned that I wasn’t going to change until I was ready. Until the moment that everything aligned. My thoughts, my daily experiences, my projects, the life path I was on. Maybe there is something to trusting divine timing. Maybe instead of wishing I learned all of this at 22, I should trust for once that I am on the right path. Even if it is at 30. 

So for now I am going to draw up vibes and plans for my new apartment. I will keep you posted. Where are you at in your journey to unravel yourself?