I finally got the green light that no one can regress me back to my former wounded self. I have healed my wounds as far as they can go from my mother. And the result is spectacular. I didn’t realize how small I was behaving. How much MORE of myself that I could be, how much fuller I could be. How I was behaving before is pathetic. It is like a watered down version of my real self. My real self is powerful. I had grown men respecting me fully. One even said that I was a very strong women. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed teaching them how to respect me. For the firs ttime in my life I could see myself becommming a manager, no longer would I be passed over because ei was too nice. No I love myself, my cup is fully, and that is truly the key to being an expanded and full being. There is much more that I need to climb up to reach my potential, and I need to do it all quickly, I want to be a young leader. And so I feel te pressue. I don’t want to be like those older women who hate on the younger women because they feel like they never got to live. I must live my fullest being now. I must unshackle myself completely, I wonder how much more alive I can truly feel. It is an exciting time to be awoman. To b a human.
The ideal of boundaries confuse me. I think too much about what I am supposed to say. And what I am supposed to be like. That most of the time it seems like I am just trying to be dominant. Or I think I am not supposed to say “Thank you very much” because it seems to passive and I need to be “the big man in charge.” It is really a confusing world of boundaries that I am perplexed by. But mostly it is the question of what to say and when. And what is appropriate social roles for a gal in the 21st century. So many things are up for grabs and the future is being written in the present. It is all very liquid.
But one thing is for certain. The energy of our culture does not sustain the male dominated values it once did. People notice more and more when a girl is dismissed. Or particularly when I am dismissed or when a guy is trying to mansplain something. Before my personal learning journey I would try to “be the man” and out man the man. Now I am more tuned into my feminine side. Where I know leadership exists. You can’t fight a man by being a man, that is what I learned. I can win the conversation by being a woman, by being myself. The culture does not tolerate totally male patterns nowadays. I have seen success by listening, by being open, by not trying to be the top dog, but rather to be myself, to own myself. That is the golden key to escaping the bondage and traps of each other.
“Aren’t I special too”
“Why didn’t you love me?”
Flashes of memories, childhood pictures, photographs all flooding my mind. There is no need to force any action as my body holds the pain and knows what to do. All I need to do is allow. Allow the pain (which isn’t as bad as you’d think) but there is a lot of it, to flow from my subconscious to my conscious and out through my tears. The result is worthwhile. It is a lighter, brighter, calmer version of myself.
I am starting to understand the we really are like magnets. And what is inside of our minds really does have pushing and puling power. We are really here are Earth to heal ourselves and it is true that every situation we are in will teach us something. This insight has me looking at life a little bit more through a spiritual glass. Today I allowed myself to truly grieve over a childhood trauma of never feeling special and always being compared with mycousin. I was surprised that I didn’t need to fore anything. The pain and emotion are already there in my subconscious. The only thing that I had to do was allow. And yes, it is terrifying to go into this kind of pain. And when you allow, the feelings wash over you. And they take oer. Your thoughts become automatic. The words you here are innocent. While I was reexpericing my emotions of this trauma all I heard was “aren’t I special to mommy?” “aren’t I special?”. The little girl inside of me was still saying this to this day. And right now I gave her a voice, and grieved over this trauma. It was well worth the effort because I felt a sense of peace and serenity flow through my body. And wash outward to everyone I encountered. Previous days I always felt alone but after grieving I felt a sense of belonging and love. More people reached out to me by text message, and I got a second job. It is no coincidence that we are tranmitters. Like radio channels. And it is worth it for me to increase my frequency.More to come
Each time I think I am done with the work of going deep into my emotions, I am caught by the “happy” surprise that I still can go deeper and get to a higher level of being. As I mentioned I am not operating at a high enough level of myself personally. I am not shining when hidden behind the gruff of my subconscious still lies feelings of worthlessness, feeling that I deserved the punishment I got in my childhood. It is difficult for me to get really mad at my mom. Because in some respect I feel like I am betraying her. The only way that I can heal is if I do face the scary and unknown feelings of my past that are locked away in my subconscious. Once I allow myself to relax and really know that nothing I experienced in childhood was my fault. That is when the true healing will occur. Once I allow myself to face the pain to feel the sadness and to genuinely cry it out for myself. Then the process to healing will be quick, I’m told. But right now I am frustrated because I am in limbo. I am trying to REALIZE that I did not deserve to be smacked across the face when I was 5 just for being a little bit too energetic. I am trying to excuse away my mother’s behavior in an effort to let her off the hook. But what it is doing for me is delaying the healing process. I wish I could truly realize that I am special. That it IS NOT my fault. And let myself off the hook. Then I maybe I could enjoy myself more. Enjoy the beauty of life. Little things I would love to enjoy, but I constantly punish myself in my mind. Tealights at the Seattle Center, wearing shorts in the summer, wearing sunglasses, swimming. All these little pleasures are obscured by my feelings of worthlessness. I can’t even enjoy the pretty little tealights that are being strung from the Seattle Center because each time I look at it I am haunted by the memory of when a guy that I loved left me for a girl that had tealights strung on her balcony. I know because I looked at her instagram. Each time I try to free myself I can’t. The knife gets wedged in deeper and deeper to my heart. What will it take to allow me to let myself off the hook? To allow the little girl that is Gabriella to know that it was not her fault. To value herself. So that she doesn’t repeat any sick cycles that she is currently unaware of in her family tree. I am not my family history. I am a new and bright chapter. What will it take to trigger my realization?
I try and try to make myself cry for myself. But I come up empty. It is so frustrating. It is like I am saying that I deserved this. And then I think how long can I live life this? I am already almost 30, shouldn’t I have this sorted out. Will I ever have it sorted out? Am I the only one with a messed up family? Is my family condition worse or better than everyone elses? And why can’t I just RELEASE!. Why me?. But I’ve got to keep going. I am commited to this journey and I know that I will come out successful.
Nov 19- Shine Suckers
The person that I thought I was is not that person. I can trace back every circumstance in my life right now to their origin roots in childhood. It is amazing the things that I remember now that I didn’t remember before I had started. It is painful to live in my childhood again. I thought I had a normal and happy childhood. But now looking back on it there are things that I needed that I didn’t get. And they left me wounded. And I look at my mom and dad and see that they were raising me as wounded individuals themselves. I had all the hallmarks of them, I lost my inner child who knew who she was when she was 5. And I have struggled to reclaim that exuberance ever since. Knowing I had lost it but not knowing it was ever something to reclaim in myself.
Now that I have done the healing work to raise my energy vibration, and healed my heart chakra so that it is opened more, opened my throat chakra, and gotten some new energies, I feel amazing. I would rate myself on the scale of “alright” as I have said before. The goal is to get to “Love myself!”. So you see I have a couple more steps to climb. Today the weirdest thing happened, and that was someone hit on me from his truck. I was walking and he said he liked my coat! I said thanks! Instead of usually ignoring him. But since I am feeling more open now I smiled! He then said in a funny tone. Are you single? And we laughed and waived has he drove away. This has never happened to me before. It is truly revolutionary. I have never been open in any sense where someone would feel COMFORTABLE saying that to me. Think about it. That guy had to see me and sense that it was alright and even welcomed to make that kind of joke. I did welcome it, lovingly. It was a beautiful moment that the universe gave me which confirmed that I am headed in the right direction in my healing, and it also confirmed that the law of attraction is real. And that you truly do attract into your life based on your energy level or vibration. Things come to you quickly and like a magnet when you are healed and open. Anyone can do it! You just need the awareness.
Another lesson that I discovered is that there are energy drainers. It is a lesson that is painful but I’m glad I was made aware of it. Today I was super expression and made a funny joke. I have usually been aware at making funny jokes because someone would always rain on my parade! Or the second I let my guard down someone would remind me to put it back up! Well I made a funny joke and a wild eyed energy drainer was ready to pounce! They cut my heart with a controlling comment. They tried to restrain my wings and it hurt. It wounded me. And suddenly my powerful, funny, and confident voice went wounded. I had to strain my voice and it was no longer powerful but had strains of desperation or pain in it. What happened? Well I know now that when someone does this it is because they are projection their issues on to me. They are stuck at a certain energy level. And because energy robs each other. Meaning some people have an overabundance and others have a deficient. The people with deficient will try to bring the others energy down as a way to feel better or raise theirs! We’ve all been there. But I have confirmed that once I heal MORE. I won’t have this issue. I will be able to see and feel clearly that this person is stuck on a level that I am not. And hey then I can laugh at the situation instead of internalize it!
It is amazing how much rings true when they say your inner world and outer world are a reflection of each other. I always heard that saying and kind of hated it. Because of I thought I understood it. Now as I discover memories hidden beneath the rubble of my mind. Long forgotten but still holding an electric charge, like a magnet in my mind attracting and repelling different people, places and things into my life.
As I continue to heal my life and become more aware of moments in my early child hood that caused me pain. For example, one time when I was 7 when my mom said I was ugly. At that time my only friend was a quasi moto – from the Hunchback of Notre Dame doll that I got from McDonalds or Burger King. I remember feeling a special sense of closeness with Quasi because he was ugly as I thought I was too. What a shame for a kid to even think that.
I’ve always struggled with my physical appearance. Not really understanding what my outer appearance truly looks like and instead appreciating it. I only see through the lense of my past experiences, my mom getting angry at me, feelings of worthlessness, feeling not pretty enough.
These present moments and feelings all have a root. And that root and connection is my childhood. There are layers upon layers, heaps of memories that I had forgotten I even experienced but have effected me in profound ways. And the scariest part is that they don’t stop affecting me until they are fully resolved. Which means to acknowledge, morn them, and move on.
The amazing thing is that once you do that, you begin to attract more of what you do want in your life effortlessly. You regain the youthfulness, vitality, and joy of when you were a little kid.
The feeling of healing myself is a huge reward. The feeling of watching these memories come up. And noticing the uncomfortable space that they occupy in my body is so very satisfying. They crumble easily after they are acknowledged. Similar to the game candy crush. ;).
I recently experienced a type of healing earlier this week which has left me very pensive, surprised, speechless, and drained.
Through my dream interpretation course I got a free trance channeling healing by Elizabeth Rose. I want to state that I would never ever have found this person had my good friend not persuaded me into his dream interpretation course. Truly it was an happy accident (or no accident at all, that I was there)
Through the healing I was able to watch this person go into an altered state of consciousness and have angels speak through her to me. The thing was is that this wasn’t a scam. I know because the feeling behind it was very intense and powerful. Like lightning bolts of electricity ripping through my crown chakra, third eye, throat chakra, and heart chakra. I don’t even talk about chakra’s normally and previously thought it was some hippy stuff that never really tugged on my mental curiosity.
But none the less, I had no take a break from blogging to really process what was going on.
After I received the healing the next day was like the first day of a new chapter or to be dramatic the first day of my real life.
I felt more rebalanced. The first changed that I noticed was that my eyes looked different. Whether I just started noticing them or what, but the look in my eyes was certainly different and the iris seemed more blue. It is worth noting that i did a lot of crying and releasing of negative energy in the healing session.
The result: Is that i feel more like myself. I feel stronger. i started to look at everyone and not see people as higher than me or lower then me, which has been the most obvious change. instead i see everyone as balanced and equal. that has really been a huge shift in my life. And it has allowed me to talk to different kinds of people and really listen to them without judging them first.
Insights leads to london bridges falling down. I am becoming more brave at diving into my feelings. After venture into the pain one time I see it isn’t so bad. Although I am still apprehensive. I note that it is the barrier of fear that blocks the actual feeling (betrayal, sadness, feeling not good enough) that is the most scary. It is the fear of pain, the illusion that I won’t be able to handle the overload of pain or loss once I dip my toe into the feeling.
It is so interesting to experience this process of healing. A good deep cry triggers past memories, I see myself as a small child and think how could I possibly do this to her? How could I think she was so worthless, so unlovable and compare this innocent being to others. Her light is bright and yet she dims it because someone told her she wasn’t enough over and over.
The journey intensities and takes me to new levels of healing. It is surely an unraveling of my mental journey that got me to this point in life. I fall back into the past and see memories float up and things make sense. Things that my mom told me, things that I believed, experiences of when she was highly critical of me and my smile. No wonder I have intense insecurity around my smile today, when all I heard was “why do you smile like that?” Or that my one tooth is a handicap tooth, or even because she was so insecure about her own smile that she passed that on to me.
As the lense of my perception sharpens a little bit more each day, I see the real truth of the world. I see that I was operating from such a low level of esteem and respect for myself. I joke and say that my starting point is feeling like a worthless piece of shit and when I feel that I truly love myself I will say it. Right now I feel that I am “alright”. That is my marker.
It is amazing how the insight after insight crumbles and more of the apparatus that is keeping my insecurities in place falls each day. It is a feeling that truly crumbles. As the whole thing is built on negative experiences. I thought I was seeing clearly but in reality I had thick foggy glasses on that only allowed me to see myself and situations through those negative experiences.
It is amazing the clarity, the lightness, the spontaneity that I feel once I remove those negative and thick goggles.
I am writing this post after I’ve had a good deep cry. The kind of cries that don’t happen often. Where your body lets go, you stop thinking for just one second and cry, and you let the images from your subconscious flood your mind.
I’ll admit I’ve had a lot of trouble just “crying”. It’s been hard for me because I have been avoiding the pain. Yes, I will cry and make sobbing noises but there were not that many tears. And I still winced when I saw things on TV that reminded me of sore subjects. For example when I saw two young people making out it reminded me of the time I was betrayed by someone I loved and found out he made out with another girl. I had been too scared to embrace that pain. It felt scary. It felt all consuming. So murky and dark, and like a place I would die in eternal agony. If I went to that place and allowed myself to stop thinking and just FEEL, FEEL how badly I felt, feel the betrayal, feel the sorrow and pit in my stomach when I found out about the betrayl it would surely kill me. It would surely eat me alive. But I kept trying to ease into it. Knowing that I am in control of my own situation and I can allow myself to go as deep as I want.
Well the timing was right with the movie Manchester by the sea. I had many mini cries up to that point but the tears were constricted. Until finally that scene came on and I cried. And then real tears came out. And then memories came out, about all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough, in high school, at prom, from childhood, the memories were more in control than my rational mind i just stood there and observed what was happening. I saw myself as a 6 year old girl and suddenly felt so careless, how could i treat that 6 year old girl like she was a worthless piece of shit? That innocent six year old who did nothing wrong and was so happy and expressive. How could I do this to her? The words came through my head ” all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough. For all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough.” And the tears flowed. And I made loud noises and thought my neighbor might hear.
Surprinsly once I walked through the initial fear of feelings that pain, the actual pain and betrayal was not hard to handle. It felt cathartic to get in there to deeply release those chords of pain. To release the pressure and charge I was feeling because of it. An afterwards my mind said “go on your phone to. let’s move on to something else. Let’s continue to numb.” But i resisted and just laid on my bed. And felt the throbbing dull ache of the new space I had created. The pressure I lifted off my heart. I feel accomplished, for I know I am once step closer to being the woman I truly am. No one said It would be easy!
i let this guy start telling me about deadlines and being punctual even though i know that i am always punctual, i didn’t say anything because when i usually did in the past it got me fired. but this time i really felt like i betrayed myself and was hiding behind the false mask. i probably am more aware than he is about time but since he could freely say it and try to teach me the lesson he made it seemed like he wrote the rules. i can connect this even from my past, when my mom told me “it’s fun bossing me around.” since then i may have been conditioned to let people boss me around, not stand up for myself ike i should, and abandon myself little by little. each day that i work on myself these new realizations and insights occur. the old me falls away, and transforms chip-by-chip. Of course it is not without the rough turbulence of anger and frustration for letting myself be treated this way for so long. good thing i have a pillow to bang on.
This is tough terrain, to navigate the slippery slope of being in touch with your authentic feelings and not compromising your own power. I could easily confuse the two.