One issue that I have that has diminished but not completely gone away is comparing myself. Yes, I have healed the necessary layers that I’m meant to heal for right now. But, before I’m able to go outside and have carefree fun, and actually soak up the fun. I have to heal a little bit more. I am trying to enjoy the moment, but it is amazing that right after I have worked through my major issues that I wasn’t even conscious of, but projecting out, a new one pops up!
An issue that I haven’t felt since high school has now resurfaced. And with my introduction back into social media I have curiously noticed a resurgence in comparing myself to others. Although now, it is not as bad as it used to. I don’t feel like I deserve to be hurt, and so I try not to actively enter into the trap my mind sets for me, of comparing myself with another person, by what they have, or how clever they are. Which social media makes so tricky!!! It is almost a comparison trap to stir up the negative feelings. But for some reason there is that immediate dopamine kick you get by looking and seeing new notifications or new content that is published. It really is not positive at all. But, hey this is the world we live in nowadays. I can firmly say social media adds more negative than positive, but I want to get to a point where I can enjoy it’s ability to connect people, stir up new ideas about the world, and enjoy what other people are doing, without setting out to feel a sense of lack by what I don’t have.
I noticed that when I compare myself I lose the full power of myself. I dimish my own self and the amazing and UNIQUE qualities that I have that make me simply irresistible because I am comparing myself to someone else. Chances are what makes me unique is 10x better than what the other person has. Yet I stumble and for a moment put myself 2nd. One of my mantras is that I will not put any other woman before in my life. And I’m sticking to it.
As I continue down this road of healing so that I can be a burst of fun, funny, womanly, amazing person that I know I am without having the bad stuff running in the background, I want to be completely free of the bad stuff.
The most important thing for me is to have TRUST. There are times that I worry. Worry too much. The most important thing to beat the demons of comparison, of owning my right, of being the only authority of my energy is trust. Trust in myself as a person, that what I am saying has meaning, that my actions are right. That what I feel is true. I think that trusting myself 100% would help the negative thoughts and emotions fall away. Enabling me to be who I truly am inside.
I just finished crying and gagging which I learned is a pshycological reaction to uncomfortable or suppressed emotions. So, glad to know that is normal.
Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. So I am reflecting on what I have done in my life and how I can climb higher over this next decade. Life feels expanded.
I mistakeningly thought that I cleaned up and released all negative emotions from my mom that were affecting my female side. Yet again I submerged myself under the dark waters of my unconscious. Where I found real and a lot of salty tears to shed.
This time however, as I complted my exercise something new happened. My body sprang up and took over and started to mourn on its own. It is an experience that was profound. Like my body really has a mind of it’s own. I had the insight that I have always wanted to feel beautiful. To be beautiful. But I have spent my entire life up to this point suppressing my beauty and feminity that comes so natural to me. My whole life I thought I was barren of feminity. That some women had aphrodite’s allure but I was akin to a man. How sad. Once I realized that I am naturally ultra feminine and it is unnatural for me to be like a man. I instantly started crying. How sad I am for myself all these years of pain and anguish. At something I longed for so deeply. To feel beautiful. I had within me all the time. It is truly heartwrenching, but enlightening that I can recover what is inheritantly mine. Claim it back to it’s owner. Where it was long taken from my own mother. I now see that maybe my mother didn’t want me to see my own beauty. And at that I fell under her spell, where I lost my sight. I indeed felt ugly, felt I should hold myself back, felt I should give my power away everytime they asked for it, even though underneath I longed to be the star of the show.
For some weird reason. I was always made to hide it. I couldn’t see with my own eyes. I couldn’t trust my eyes. They betrayed me. Every time I looked in the mirror all I saw were flaws. All I saw was undesirable. I couldn’t see how pretty my eyes were. How beautiful my smile is. And I sy this without the least bit of conceit. I sy it because beauty is skin deep, but it is important to see myself as a precious gift. As someone worthy and special of deep-seated love. As cuddly as a teddy bear. And w ho deserves warmth and love. Not coldness, lonliness, and self-abandonment like I had previousl been giving myself. The work is hard to bear at times, but the payoff of physical energy flow, and clearer vision is worth going into the depths of psyche hell to discover… the truth.
With this sense of sef instilled in me it is no wonder my room is still amess. Sleeping on coats as I threw away my mattress comforter when a dog peed on it. I wondered if I was fixing my self-esteem when would I start to clean my room. When would I care about my personal environment? there was a disconnect. Because the inner worlds and outer worlds are connected I found it a bit concerning.
But then I listened to a therapy call that I had. And I noticed it was said that I have a subconscious belief that I am worthless and it comes back to this time in my life from my cousins.
Because it is subconscious it is part of my operating system and is not as easily detectable. So, i will have to work a little bit harder in my morning exercise to heal it. To shift perspectives.
The funny thing (not so funny) about this process is when I get to a really painful and unacknowledged experience. It feels like slowly pulling an invisible dagger out of my heart. Slowly moving the dagger out with my hands. I didn’t place the dagger in my heart. My mom did. And over time I learned to stab my own heart to hurt myself. This is dysfunctional and not something that a gift should be doing. We are all gifts, and I want t o stand tall and own my sense of self. And killing off this negative aspects certainly is the key to being a leader.
I am writing this exactly 6 days before my 30th birthday. Before I enter a new decade of my life. I will say that I am relieved and happy that my course switched directions unexpectedly in November, when I joined the Dream Interpretation course that changed my life. That showed me that therapy does work. And I can feel the feelings I want to feel about myself, strong, empowered, lovely, beautiful, sexy, unstoppable, as long as I look at my past and sort it.
In an effort to end this decade properly and start a bright, new joyous adventure in my life. I want to write this letter to myself. To the woman that I know that I am becoming. In this age where everyone documents everything about their lives.
To be continued…….
Today I danced in public. Hear me out, It is something that I never thought I would do. I recently saw a girl do this and thought she was crazy. Now I am the crazy one.
But it was so much fun to dance to the rhythm of a song that I really like. For the record that’s Bring Me A Higher Love Kygo & Whitney Houston ;). Good pick Gabriella.
Climbing up the outdoor stairs, fall leaves on the ground, green grass, earth and sky, and me, energizing myself, dancing in the crisp morning. It was nourishment. It was healing because it was new territory. It was my body’s way of saying that these chains of my past have no say coming with me to the future. Leave them in this moment, leave them in the past. The future of ME. There is something about the thought that people may be watching you that makes it all the more freeing!
I danced all the way up the stairs and on to the sidewalk. Some people saw me and I don’t think they thought it was that weird. Instead I feel like my presence energized them, and I was happy and laughing and having fun. I didn’t intend to dance. It was just the convergence of the right song, the right moment and an opportunity.
With every stretch of my arm and feeling the beat pulse from my headphones into my core I felt lightness. I felt joy and peace and energy. I was able to smile to neighbors, if there was a flashdance I probably would’ve participated in it in that moment.
It’s incredibly freeing and I would not have had that experience if I was not working through my childhood issues with my mother. I had no idea what kind of shackles were binding me to the past. And little of myself I was really living for. And how much of myself there is to bring to the world! How much everyone can bring to the world if they just unshackle themselves from their past! The past that is sucking the very life force out of them.
Anyway, back to the dancing, i am so proud to say that I was able to do that today. While it did feel awkward, it was one of the most freeing moments I’ve been able to have. One of my most cherished moments because it was the first time I experienced that kind of true freedom.
Internally I felt the tight vine-like restrictions of the past, holding my soul back from it’s fullest potential were starting to losen. Though I could still physically feel them binding me, I was starting to rip through some of them. It is really like they are shackles. That is a true statement. I was a prisoner to my past. My mother’s mannerism come through me and I wasn’t even conscious of it. Dancing helped me to release the painfully tight restrictions and I wouldn’t have been able to be in the feeling space to dance and have fun had I not had the depressively low states that come when doing this work.
Definitely one of my best moments on this journey so far! 🙂
Previously I had been wallowing in my insecurities. Knowing that I had them and in going through that path i have finally stumbled across my first experience of feeling different.
I would say this is the real turning point in my journey now. Where I am starting to FEEL fuller. Feeling like, hey you know what, being me is ok. it’s enough for myself and it’s enough for everyone else too.
It’s all about feeling the experience. That is when the change happens in my opinion. Like the saying “you can know something intellectually.” But when the emotions come with the intellectual understanding, that’s when you KNOW the concept.
Well I know now that schema’s are multiple deeply help beliefs. Our beliefs live DEEP in our subconscious mind and they come through to our conscious mind, through feelings, intuition. The conscious mind tries to make sense of it and goes along with it.
I definitely glossed over this information the first time i read it. Because it wasn’t as intellectually stimulating as i thought it would be. And i “got” the info but I felt like I didn’t need to apply it to my life.
Because all the thoughts that I had especially about relationships were that I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy enough and that I’m bothering other people if I give them too much interaction. Or always comparing myself to
I’ve been countering my negative thoughts that come from my subconscious mind lately. And so far I’m starting to FEEL better. More worthy.
It makes me start to understand the meaning of empowerment and self-actualization. Although I’m curious about that term. And want to explore more what it means to feel truly empowered.
-August 28, 2019
Sadness.sadness.sadness. Does everyone feel this kind of sadness?
It feels overwhelming at some points. Like a deep well of emotion that I can’t let out.
Is this what they call the human experience?
I remember when I worked in a corporate job and I was experiencing a sad day. I would come home, log onto the internet and go onto Pinterest, and typed in “sad girl” but nothing came up and I was astonished.
I hope there are funny moments that I unconsciously work into the posts because someone told me that the best kind of blogs do best with a little humor.
I’m writing this because I feel the knot in my stomach that is associated with feeling threatened.
I normally don’t get triggered or jealous of other girls.
I prefer to see the brilliance in other women and their traits and talents than to waste time in negative emotions.
But once in a
I see these people as a test to see how much I’ve grown and what emotions and insecurities still need to be worked through in myself.
Can I Ever Be Jealously Free?
I have been trying to figure out jealously for at least 4 years. The root cause of it, how to get rid of it, how to get to the other side of it. Like I said I rarely get jealous because I know it is an animal emotion. Maybe 1 case every 1.5 years.
The best advice that I still remember was from a
He toldme that sometimes you have to go against your instincts.
And that’s what I agree with when it comes to the urge of competitiveness with other women.
Jealously tells me that the other person must be doing something right.
And also tells me there’s something that I feel I’m lacking.
When I did a mental scribble in my head of what I might feel is lacking,
I came down to a sense of belonging. This person belongs and is loved.
I know the answer is because I don’t let myself be loved. And that is something I need to work on.
Because being loved for who you are inside and out and having a sense of belonging is awesome. I also feel that this person has a lot of energy. Do I?
I reckon the answer to these questions is to become so confident and secure in myself. To fully know and understand my talents and to make sure they are refined.
I know that energy can’t be destroyed but it can be transformed.
I get down on myself because like other people I am human. I get jealous, I feel threatened, I am concerned with age and youth.
And I feel how can I have a mission to empower women when I too compare myself?
I was in a bookstore and I stumbled upon Robert Greene’s book The Art of Seduction. Normally I would shy away from it but this time I picked it up.
I was reading about the seduction archetypes and they intrigued me.
I feel like I am a charismatic archetype. And it struck me that the person I may have been “jealous” of is a star.
Once I knew what my skill was I felt a little better about myself and retained some personal power back.
The thing about comparison and jealously is that it sucks the life out of you.
It migh prevent me from becoming friends with someone I find interesting.
I also did research and learned that women get jealous of other women when they are close to peak fertility age.
This is true if there is a mate involved. Peak age is
I had to stop myself, if I were to remove the biological piece of the equation would I still feel that tension when I thought of this person?
And the answer is not really. Sure, I’d have to work at it. But I’m convinced that we must have some new research on how women can overcome the jealously factor that is hardwired in us.
So the question is, is it my biology that I should ignore?
As I’ve mentioned the point of this blog is to document my journey toward being a strong confident leader. The goal is to document every step of the way.
As I am just starting this journey I have a lot of mixed feelings about being so vulnerable and other people knowing exactly what I am doing.
I recently went to Montreal for a Mastermind and an event. I feel really gross about being so open and typing about it.
But the experience was great. My feelings were cringeworthy.
That is how I feel when I let myself be myself.
It is really cringeworthy to speak openly and on a personal level, knowing that what I am saying may sound stupid. Or for people to see me for who I really am and actually care about it. The whole thing makes me cringe. It makes me hate myself for being myself.
That might sound really harsh, but the whole idea of feelings, of being a real person is cringeworthy for a lot of people.
Beginning to Change Old Behaviors?
Since I spent the last five years actively dodging group events and friendships of any kind, I experienced highs and
Previously, my belief was that relationships will never last. Friendships mainly. I scoffed at the proverbs and ancient quotes that said true friendships bring real happiness and joy.
They never brought me joy.
Why bother trying to make them. The voice is my head says nobody wants to really get to know me anyway.
My friend Scarlet who is my friend/psychic that I have to
And that was good advice, as there were moments that I felt isolated, that I stood out too much, not apart of the group, sometimes not good enough, sometimes too egocentric, or that I don’t belong.
There were also moments where I started to feel connected. Where being myself naturally flowed and I felt safe.
I realized that friendships with the right people take time to nuture. If I am open to them they provide a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and happiness.
Back to the event, t’s a mixture of feeling that everyone has their own families and friends already set, so there’s no room for me. And also feeling that there are not many people I truly connect with.
The root of my self-esteem
Someone recently told me that sometimes I sound really confident and other times I don’t. And it’s true. I have a split nature where I am REALLY CONFIDENT. Please, I know the answers, I know the directions, I know how you feel. But when I try to express it, it comes out meek
On my way back to Seattle, I stopped in Delaware on the way back to Seattle.
When I travel to Montreal (this is my third time this year) I wait to buy my ticket home partly because I’m scared to spend the money the first time around.
I went home to where I grew up and my parents live.
Even though there are times that I know I feel confident. Especially when I am on my own.
When I am in an environment where I used to be insecure I revert right back to that mentality.
It’s amazing how the inner pain levels also correlate with the thoughts.
The pockets of pain that I feel inside when I am put in situations just above my level of comfort are very tender. It’s like part of me wants to open and deepen but there is this really tender pain that needs to be ripped open.
Providing temporary pain but lasting
Sometimes even if I feel good self-esteem wise the pain and sensitive spots on the inside hold me back.
It hurts to move forward.
Anyway, I got a shower at my
When i came down the stairs to show my mom and continue with our day she stared at me. She started to make awkward body language.
I asked her if she felt insecure and she said no. But it looked like she started to cover herself and any perceived flaws.
The moment passed and we walked into the living room. I noticed the brown oval mirror in the living room. I immediately looked down and away so I couldn’t see my reflection.
I couldn’t see myself because I thought “If I looked at myself in the mirror I know I won’t look as good as I want to. I will immediately notice any flaws and it will ruin my day.”
I didn’t want to get sucked into the black hole of insecurity so I found it easier to look away.
This reminded me of high school. Where I AVOIDED all mirrors at any cost for at least 3 maybe even 4 years.
I hated the reflection that stared back at me. And I never looked up to my standards. I used to make fun of myself to other people so they wouldn’t think it was weird.
I asked my mom to take a picture of me for this blog. I felt so awkward that I couldn’t even open my eyes confidently. It’s hard to overcome old ways. I feel embarrassed and awkward.
Action taken: wear hair and makeup at my parents home. This brings up old feelings and ways of behaving that need to be worked through.
Angle: How many times will I betray myself until it’s enough?
There’s that famous quote from the Elizabeth Browning poem that starts with “How Do I Love Thee Let me Count the Ways?”
Well for me, it should go like:
“How Many Times Do I Compare Myself, Let Me Count the Ways?”
That’s pretty much been my mantra for my whole life.
It feels awful to compare yourself to other women. I did it with men as well, but when I get into self-destructive behavior when I’m triggered, and try to see how low I can possibly go. My drug of choice is to look on social media at girls that the guys I like have dated and compare myself to them. Spoiler alert: I’m never good enough. Even if I deem myself as prettier, more going on, smarter etc than them I am not them. And that is why I always fall short.
That is the stuff that is intoxicating to me. It makes me feel so bad that I crave more of it.
I don’t just stop at comparing myself in love,
I read in the book Women’s Inhumanity Towards Women that phrased something that I’ve always felt to be true. It said that when women run into another woman they instantly size them up as being better than them or the other woman being better than them. This is how the rank goes. So it makes sense that when I compare myself and have someone rank better than me I go into a self-deprecating behavior with some jealous pangs about what makes me good.
In Rhonda Britten’s book Fearless Living, which is about living fearlessly and getting into the reservoir of feelings that make you not good enough, there are exercises to complete. I was completing one of the exercises on a post-it note when I started wondering how many women I’ve compared myself to the guy I liked.
I liked this guy for 6 months and I wrote down the names of every woman on Instagram that I stalked daily to see if she posted a new picture. So that I could see if the guy liked it, and then i could make up the story that they were secretly in love and I could never be good enough for him.
The same story every time. The list came out to 5 or 6 women. I then decided to add to the list and write down some other comparisons I made recently, in the area of being a leader.
Around that time I was also questioning why I am not recognized as a leader by outside players when it is clear that I am.
A question came to mind. “How many times are going to compare yourself?” It was in that instant that I understood that I am not those other people. They are separate. And that there is something here within me. I am a person too, I am not just a shell. Just because I am living my life through my eyes doesn’t mean that I don’t exist.
I recognized that because I don’t see myself through the eyes of others, I am the one doing the watching through my own eyes. And that made me feel like I’m not existent. I understood that I do not need to be them to be happy. Because what I have is pretty great and something to work with. They have their own problems and they are different people, so why would I want to be them anyway when I can be me?
I’m trying to put this realization into words so that you can copy.
Bring the energy from the outside and focus on the inside.
I measure how assertive I am and therefore place a lot of emphasis on my value by this one thing.
5 current beliefs about assertiveness and 5 new beliefs I’m exploring
Whether I get someone to move over on the sidewalk. It irritates me when I am walking down the street and I have to move over to let someone else pass.
When I get another person to move over so I can stay on the path I was on, I am elated. I’m thrilled and I feel powerful, strong and smart. It is like a surge of dopamine to my brain. I feel like I’m the leader and they are the person that has to follow me because I’m in charge.
There are times when I am face to face with someone and we come towards each other walking down the sidewalk but they won’t move. We get closer and closer and I stand my ground. Suddenly we are both completely stopped in front of each other. And even then I still won’t move. And the other person says excuse me and walks the other way. I feel this tension with men and women.
When I lose the sidewalk game I feel pathetic. Weak.
My self-worth is basically dependant on whether I get someone across the side of the street.
When I’m not successful in making the other person move over on the sidewalk I get really agitated and feel resentful down in my gut. I store up the irritation and eventually let it boil over when someone pushes me a bit too far one day. Or
I feel upset when I shimmy if a guy is walking in the way to be on the woman’s side because I know she will move. She is supposed to be nicer.
The people who others follow and respect. Those people don’t move out of the way on the sidewalk.
People move out of the way for them.
People smell you if you are leadership material, that’s what I think, that’s how I make judgments.
I’ve always felt that I was a leader but that I pail in comparison to anyone else. I compare, compare and I always come up short. People who talk, people who are taller, any trait that I see that comes from another makes me insecure when it comes to the leadership spot.
I want to be the leader so badly that I never get it. I always picture a boss seeing who could be the leader and saying, “she’s not ready.” and skipping over me. Often that is how things really play out.
Here are 5 beliefs that I currently hold that I’m in the process of challenging. It’s funny because I really thought I knew everything there is to know at this point and now life has turned the tables on me and I’m pretty much clueless.
1. Assertiveness is about butting heads until your the top dog
When I have interactions with some people, I operate from the belief that I have to dominate them or show them that they have the respect me by telling them what to do.
I do this by giving them a command “Can you remind me of this?” And I don’t just thoughtlessly blurt out that statement. I know what I’m doing and I know how I feel after I say it.
Like I am in control.
Sometimes this can result in a war of who can dominate each other around and around until one person comes out on top.
Actually most of the time, with millennial women my own age, this is the scenario that happens.
The nice one is the loser and the one who can be the harshest the longest without caving is the winner. I have searched for an answer to this question of how I can get around this belief.
I’ve heard one expert say to work from a place of your own strength an identify another person’s strengths too and use both of your strengths together.
But that belief was only superficially helpful.
Deep down underneath the surface, I still held the same belief about being top dog and it always emerges.
So much so that I got to a point (actually I’m at this point now) that every interaction I have I feel slighted, and every interaction is tense.
My tenseness and lack of patience toward feeling not assertive and not the leader has been causing me to say rude things or
2. Assertiveness is the only right way to be
I think in our culture right now there is a surge of women empowerment. I definitely drank the kool-aid without thinking too much into it.
Just mindlessly buying women empowerment because at a fundamental level I get it. I feel it. But it wasn’t until I took a trip to Canada and observed their culture and was able to be exposed to other beliefs that I started to see the intense pressure that millennials are under.
And it caused me to see assertiveness in a different light.
Assertiveness is good because its a better option than being silent or being a push over.
But, not having a strong reaction to everything and always feeling obligated to check people’s egos or otherwise have your power threatened is also a form of leadership and perhaps another form of assertiveness. Y
You have to find the right energetic shift to make that realization.
3. Puffing your chest and giving out orders is what leadership looks like
When I was in high school I wanted to be in an organization called Leader Corp.
It was a moment in my life where I knew I really, desperately wanted to be in this program.
It was for leaders in high school and I guess I am realizing I’ve always been fascinated by the word leader.
You had to apply to get in and I think they look at your grades and extra curricular activities. I didn’t get in. And I remember that I saw only the kids who lived in one neighborhood – a more
They were in all the same classes and did the same sports.
Since that time I still assumed a leader is a person who knows all the answers and because they do we they also need to show a lot of authority so that the situation is under control.
I’ve always felt that I have to get to that place. That there is a gap from where I am at now and the x that marks the spot of leadership territory.
Do I have to change my personality to be the leader I want to be?
My natural traits are that I am nice, empathetic, driven, thoughtful and slow to make a decision that would impact a lot of people other than myself.
4. You are either assertive and confident or you are nice AKA a loser
You are either weak or strong.
If you show traits associated with weak such as being nice, not putting people in their place when they challenge you in front of others, showing that you have it all together all the time that’s why they put you in charge, being a thoughtful slower decision maker, caring too much, showing that you are human, and patiently waiting for them to finish then you are weak.
If you show no emotion, say statements in absolute certainty, show little humanity but have a knowingness that you have it under control then you are strong and other people can admire how you hold yourself and you probably get asked how can others be the same way.
- There can only be one assertive person allowed and you have to fight for the position
Only ONE spot allowed in the relationship. The assertive person and the weakling. Enough said.
There is always one person that is stronger in a relationship, and that person is more valuable and is generally better and the winner.
I was dog-sitting recently and the woman who owned the dog was my age.
I actually think she was born in 90 and I in 89 so I generally felt a sense that I knew more and she should listen to me. We wrestled with who is the top dog and even still it seems like she is the winner because at one point I was feeling nice and I let my guard down to say that her dog just started getting comfortable with me.
I reveled my kindness, my humanity and therefore am the loser in the relationship. And she is
Now here are new ways of thinking and beliefs that I have learned from doing my own research on becoming yourself.
5 new beliefs that I am considering:
6.Everyone carries the long black bag (shadow) It is the unsorted baggage we’ve been traveling with since childhood
I am frankly embarrassed that I didn’t fully under stand the concept of the shadow until my 29th year of life. I attribute this shame to my family not being educated enough and therefore me not knowing that the shadow is a key to freedom.
After reading the book Reboot and dabbling in 3 sessions of psychotherapy, I learned that our beliefs run everything. Belief is a word that i am numb to because 1. it’s over used and 2. no one really explains how to access your beliefs and what they are in a way that is actionable.
They just say that you have beliefs and that you have to change them. At no point did i see any messaging that said, Hey why don’t you go to therapy so that you can find out what your beliefs are and actually work with a therapist to go over your childhood and experiences and work to change the negative patterns that you are stuck in, then you can get better results in your life because your making more informed decisions.
That would’ve been helpful. But I am also working on not blaming anyone.
In the book
If you don’t sort your unconscious mind it will run your life and you will call it fate.
Do you want to be under the control of your beliefs that you don’t even know you have? And call it fate and blame it on other people? That sounds like agony to me.
One thing I touched on briefly in therapy was that I didn’t think my parent’s ambitions were enough. They didn’t accomplish enough for me to respect them. And in
7. How do I see Hierchy? The Triangle method
In the book
8. The Victim, the Persecutor and the Rescuer Mindset
I am listening to the audiobook of The Power of TED.
All three of these are positionalities are limiting and I didn’t even realize how detrimental and limiting they are.
The Victim- The victim has a poor me perspective and is at the effect of life’s circumstances. They are helpless. I’ve had to ask myself how often do I feel helpless when I don’t make others move over on the sidewalk, or when I don’t act as assertive as I can. Or when I’m too focused on being assertive that I don’t even enjoy the conversation anymore.
The Persecutor- This role fears loss of control or purpose. There cannot be a perpetrator without a victim and a perpetrator doesn’t have to be just a person. It can also be a condition, problem or circumstance.
Im not assertive
Person: Mark belittled me at work
Condition: There is something wrong with my personality
Circumstance: Society doesn’t treat women fairly
The Rescuerer- The rescuer’s underlying fear is that they will be abandoned. They need to make the victim feel better and depend on keeping the victim down so that they can continue to rescue. They may seem well meaning but it reinforces the sense of powerlessness.
All three of these positions are limiting and I realized I had been operating under the victim and perspecturor positions and they both left me powerless.
9. It’s Really Hard to Break Through the Smallness that Women are Taught to Live By
Not trying to be the victim here again but
I was talking to a woman that used to be a lawyer the other day. And I asked her if she ever had to overcome her smallness. She said she used to get shutdown when someone would challenge her. I asked if she thinks that is just a her problem or perhaps that a lot of other women experience these shutdowns because of what is acceptable of how a woman to act. To be quieter, to be more pleasing.
10. Assertiveness Isn’t Using Your Pent up Rage and Frustrations to Get What You Want
There comes a point that you get so fed up with the way you let other people treat you, or fed up with yourself for not being the person you want to be.
Then you might start to get triggered by EVERY interaction.
For me, even right now I get triggered at a lot of things. I start to have an angry reaction when I don’t feel I was respected enough, or I feel that I didn’t advocate for myself enough, or I played into my smallness, or people didn’t listen to me or dismissed me. I realized that the emotional reaction is really important.
I learned that emotions have information for us from deep inside of us. So to pay attention to how you feel. It’s for a reason.
For example, if I unpacked the reason I feel angry at interactions that I don’t feel assertiveness enough it could be traced back to feeling people-pleasing in my childhood. Not wanting to upset my family so staying small.