When I was in college I went through a time of bullying. I know that I am responsible for everything that happens in my life, so I don’t see myself as a victim.
But I was a part of a clique called Mean Girls. And at times, we did get mean. I wasn’t really as conscious as I am now back then. So I wasn’t really aware of the harmful effects of being a mean girl.
When we invited a new girl into the clique named Amanda, things got complicated for me. We lived in a shared room. I lived in the attic and she in the room connected to it. Many people would comment on how she looked similar to me…but not.
Odd Girl Out
Over time, she successfully managed to kiss my ex boyfriend, befriend all of my friends, and convince people that I was “evil.” People commented on how she was trying to BE me….
She really scared me! And I thought there was seriously something wrong with me as a person.
But now i know this experience was important for me. It partly happened because of earlier experiences in life the I had not healed, and how I thought about myself.
Fast forward 6 years, and a similar situation happened to me again! You really do attract what you haven’t yet healed in your subconscious!
As an entrepreneur, I befriended a group of girls at their Lean In group. I wanted to see if they would join my pilot program for women being assertive. I approached each one individually. But when word got out that I approached them, they confronted me and kicked me out of the group.
Later, as I was friends with them on Facebook, I see by their likes that they are interested in becoming entrepreneurs themselves.
What’s the lesson, here?
The moral of the story is to not go by what anyone else thinks. If their words are callous, mean, or hurt you to the effect that you stop being the bright spark that you are, you will lose a part of you. The reason they were mean in the first place is that you did something that they wish they could do.
It’s not because you are doing something wrong, but, rather, you are doing something RIGHT.
And by the way, even if they do hurt you, you are responsible for healing whatever is inside of you that hurt. The negative emotions.
Someone once told me that one healing is rarely enough for a lifetime. And I did not expect to immediately jump into the next issue that arose. But, here we are. At inner child work.
I don’t do something unless I believe in it and start to see real results from it. The work of Dr. Maragaret Paul has soothed my deepest self. The ruffled layers deep within me that are really hard to get to. That cause my voice to be pained and call out to me from deep within myself. The other day I woke up from a dream where this deeply pained voice called out to me and said, “but am i pretty enough?” It was after a dream i had where I asked other people if I am indeed pretty enough. Which I really did in college.
The scariest thing you can do is to be yourself
My inner child is calling me to come out. She is calling me to trust her. But this is an issue that I am struggling with. For instance, there was an incident that I was involved in when I caught people gossiping about me. The energy was negative, and my body and heart were telling me something fishy was going on. I addressed it, and was met with an extremely defensive and angry response. Which to me confirmed my hunch. Normally after an incident like this I don’t even notice any residual sad feelings, particularly because I guess I didn’t care about myself or consider myself a person . But this time I really noticed that I was sad. It hurt me that people decided to gossip about me. This was a revelation for me. I never noticed that I had been hurt before.
I started going down to my gut-level and asking my inner child questions. And after a little bit of probing, patience and listening, I got to the point where a part of me said, “You don’t trust me. You abandon me. You think I’m a troublemaker.” It is at this point that I realized that I do abandon myself because I do think that I start trouble. Where did I get this idea from? I am not a trouble maker. But it is this belief that is wrapped around my inner child’s throat. I am bold I will admit that. I am daring. I am a little rebellious. I say things that people may not want to hear. But should I be forced to hide who I am? Should I self-abandon myself and always think the other party must be right? No. No. No. I will step out and be myself. Imagine what is possible for me for any of us if we let that little child have a voice. If we gave ourselves permission to be the boldest version of ourselves. How would we change? How would my life change? What energy could I connect to? What am I satisfying right now by not being my full self? What false tapes did I buy into that I think are really me that are in fact not really me and are clanking my fullness? My aliveness?
The themes for this week are power, love, inner child, speaking hard and frank and control,
This week I learned to trust myself a little bit more then I have in the past.
For instance, today I busted someone gossiping about me. This seems to be a reoccurring incident in my life that I absolutely cannot shake for some reason! But I could sit there knowing that this person is gossiping about me and letting that energy affect my psyche. Or I could say something and get rid of it. Of, course I chose to say something.
I also learned to keep taking action even when it is downright scary. I’ve been speaking my truth, my real authentic voice, with all it’s elongated verbiage. The real things that I’ve been thinking I’ve been saying. I’ve been putting my needs first. I’ve been filling up my cup of love inside of myself. And honestly the process feels a bit tortuerous. Because I am rubbing up against the patterns in the way I am used to doing things. But these patterns are all in the air inside of myself. Because the major inflicting wound that was keeping them in place has been healed. So now they are much more maluable. And I can keep chipping away from them easily.
An insight that I’ve noticed is that I have become more aware of subconscious manipulation on the part of other people, that I’ve normally just gotten sucked into, totally unaware of.
For example, when I’m talking to someone and they will look down or away at what they want me to do. I used to give it. And even today, I do it. Because it is an automatic reaction. One that I was never aware of before. I am now conscious of when s omeone tries to manipulate me. When that is the case I can refer to the inner bonding process which has really helped me. It is a process that helps me affirm myself. And feel genuine love for myself. It helps me rely and trust just on myself and not on any outside source. It really is a way for me to be powerful.
I am trusting this process of being empowered. I am on the track right now and it feels like I’m on the fast track all of asudden. I am amazed at how looking back, the amount, of work that I have done in the last 3 months. I am so grateful for being able to look inside and heal my woundedness which is the basis for a healthy self-esteem.
Now, I am learning skills to build on top of that. Now that my energy isn’t as restricted anymore. The skills from reading books make so much more sense and are so much more workable since healing that wound. I am able to gain ground and level-up + recover much quicker then I normally would have. I feel more comfortable taking risks with my speech. There is this inner force pushing me. It says you’ve got to be all that you can be right now. You’ve got to get to this place where you’ve just got it. You know you are respected and you have the energy down pat.
Right now, I am like a toddler who is walking pretty good but still stumbles. I’ve been using this baby analogy since I was in therapy for healing. I remember sying just opening up about my childhood, talking about it, and being open to feeling my feelings felt like I was a baby clunching to her dad’s shirt for dear life. So, the fact that I am a toddler who is walking is a big leap.
In the Facebook support group that I’m in, I posted about speaking in an empowered way and getting push back. I was encouraged to keep taking empowered action. And I can’t say this part has been a piece of cake. It feels really scary to keep doing something that you know other people aren’t going to like, but is in your best interest.
I have had to prepare myself for the necessary roughness of this game. What is on the line? My self. What would I be giving up if I don’t give people what they want? My self. It is just not an option anymore.
But you know, people get really upset when you don’t do what they expect you to do, or behave in warm and pleasing ways that they are used to. It feels like I am being really selfish. And my inner child is saddned because we don’t know the right answer. Am I being to selfish? Beause of this question, I have been saying “thank you” a little more than I want to. I get mad at myself, I wish I could nail a perfect 10 in every interaction and keep all the power. But I am reminded that I need to love myself. And that I am doing something that is very difficult. And without the help of a coach. So I give myself a break.
I really feel it is important to have people or atleast a Facebook group that can give you support when people make you wonder. Since I have been showing up with more empowering action much easier. I am no longer the quiet girl. Yet I have heard a barrage of feedback from guys suddenly saying they “can’t hear what I am saying” or go into a break down about how my voice is too soft. Sure, this crituqe would’ve totally deflated me before I healed my wounds. And even so it did still become a thought in my brain and affected how I sounded becausei started letting this posion seep into my mind.
How, I thought, can I go unaffected in my shine, when these natural events will occur? I have to move through life without a care as to what other people think. If someone is used to a person or has an idea how a person ought to act, then going against the grain will result in tenseness. But I have to keep going. It feels too good and even thought it is scary, I know people respect me more, they treat me better. Who knew all of that was under doing the scarything of speaking up for yourself? A man even said to me “you win!” I didn’t know we were in a game? That just shows you that persons thoughts.
Inner thoughts, inner mother, inner child – the arrows will come as a leader, but they won’t hurt so bad when you are healed.
I am at this point where I have lifted off and released enough of the anger that was suppressing the underlying sadness that I have been keeping in. The sadness that is attributed to my mom, and the ways she behaved and the fall out from incidents that I attracted into my life because of those experiences and beliefs that I formed about myself.
I tried to avoid the sadness today, and instead skirt around my exercises, and avoid facing the pain directly. But, I thought to myself that if I want to become the mature, confident, comfortable in my skin woman that I know that I am. I have to face this to move forward. I got a little bit off track and I could feel myself undoing the healing and actually regressing in my behavior. For example, at the butcher shop where I work, I felt like I was regressing to the nice, happy go lucky girl instead of the mature intelligent take charge woman that I have been moving forward to be, andtaking the steps. So I believe that you can regress.
Moments before diving into the pain, I was sitting on a bed, and I could just feel the pain stiched into my heart. The pain of losing brett, the pain of knowing he wasn’t feeling itwith me even though I loved him, all the moments of my teenagehood where I couldn’t face myself in the bathroom mirror, where I actively avoided the mirror. All the pain that I know iexpericenced related to my self hate. Now I have to face that. And It hurts like hell. And it is unknown territory. And it is scary.
I always knew that I carried a lot of sadness with me. I spent most of my years with an underlying sense of sadness, always looking at events through a sad lense, or the “he doesn’t like me” “I lose” lense, so I figure it has to go somewhere.
And here it is. Buried deeply within my subconscious now I am face-to-face with this grief. And it feels hot. Hot and boiling pain and sadness. And it feels deep. And it is ready for release. Am I ready to face it?
I go into it and try to disappear into it. Am I still alive? I remember it is all about allowing. But my mind is till thinking. So I am only able to release as much as I am ready for. I am sure if I stopped my mind from getting in there, I could just release all of it at once. But little by little the tears start to come out.
I am sitting next to a sweet dog named Tuckr. He is wise. He doenst get scred when I start to bang on the bed to release the anger followed by tears. He allows me to release. I stop from crying during some moments to pet him. To let him know that I am ok and iam just doing an exercise. I go back to crying. He allows me to cry. I want to cry more, and momentarily I am mad at myself hat I cant. But I know it is a process.
I feel a little bit better. And make heat up some chocolate cake and pizza as a way to comfort myself. On to tomorrow…
Today I am enjoying my day! I learned a valuable lesson as I pondered today. First, nothing changes when you turn 30. I always thought you get these mystical magical powers of being 30. Suddenly you can talk the way you want to talk, be the individual you want to be. Truth be told. It is not all that different than 29. But it does feel sort of like I went up a level. Like I am more grounded in my sense of purpose. However NOTHING would have changed, and I can anticipate that it would have been a depressing day if I hadn’t done the work on myself.
The work on myself is the SOLE reason that I feel FREE. The introspective look at life, my shortcomings, getting angry at the fact that my needs weren’t met like I needed to be. That my life and childhood weren’t perfect. That I infect hated myself up until this very point. And resolving these issues are what has me breathing FRESH AIR OF FREEDOM.
It makes me want to dance…
It makes me want to SING!
I love myself! And it isn’t conceited to say. Because I know what it’s like to hate myself. To rip myself to shreds, it makes it that much more special to love myself. Yes, folks, I have arrived to the party.
I work at a butcher shop to pay my bills. I just started. There was a Christmas party yesterday. It was a little bit far away, at the airport here in Seattle. At the last minute I was feeling gloomy, so I decided not to go. I decided to last minute cancel. I thought for a moment, “no one cares if I don’t show up. They won’t miss me.”
A few hours later, I got a text from the owner. I opened it the next morning. And it said that the owner had planned for everyone to sing to happy birthday to me as I walked in!
My heart sank……
They even got me a pie. I had my choice of triple chocolate, apple, raspberry….
I chose raspberry….
The owner said to ask everyone about the guitar solo he was going to play…
I immediately got smacked in the face by this lesson that the universe was trying to tell me.
And that is that people do care.
I am loved. People have always cared.
It is my belief that was keeping them at a distance.
People care about me. I needed to let that one sink it. Because for the longest time I didn’t think anyone cared about me. And in fat I lived a lonely life because of it. I isolated myself. Tried not to take up space. Left before people could realize I wasn’t worth the second thought. Left the party before people had a chance to get enough of me.
The universe has given me evidence that there is love for me. All I have to do is open to it and receive!
Hola! Today I am feeling MUY light. And not as heavy or depressed as I have been in the past weeks during the process of dismantling my self-hatred and limiting beliefs.
It’s because I am poppin’ bottles of emotion….!
Let me illustrate for you: A strange thing happen to me the other day. I chose to wear the bright green trench coat I’ve had in my closet for FIVE years. Never worn. I always thought “eh, that is SO NOT ME” or “How can I wear that trench coat. It is bright green. Everyone will be staring at me.” I would’ve rather died than dressed in that UGLY bright green and so not me trench coat. So for years it collected dust in my closet. And was banned to the “never EVER GOING TO WEAR.” pile.
The other day I was used to wearing my olive and black colored trench coats. But this green coat stood out from the pack. It became an attractive option for the first time ever. I considered wearing it. I put it on and was surprised at how it brighten up my mood. It wasn’t awkward like I imagined. I didn’t stand out in a bad way, like “look at that big goof wearing a bright green trench coat.” It complimented by energy and merged with who i am.
I wore the coat, the coat didn’t wear me.
So what had changed? Nothing about the coat had changed. But in the days that I have been doing the cutting the ties process, I had changed.
Update on emotions
I have been cutting the ties which is a process that helps communicate to your subconscious using shapes. It helps losen up and make conscious the inner child. In doing so you can identify issues where your inner child was repressed, angry, sad, not loved as much as she needed.
If someone didn’t literally drag me into this course I would’ve never chosen this. I would’ve gone to therapy and even then I was really iffy about. I didn’t really take therapy that seriously, and thought it was an unnecessary expense to be honest….
Anger, anger, anger
You know when you can see in someone’s face that they are angry? I feel like that is me. And so as I started to cut the ties, and feel what my body was telling me. I started to feel anger. I started to hit the pillow over my bed to release the pent up steamed emotions that were laying inside of me dormant.
And I started picturing my moms face, and the more I think of it, and the more I think about ways that I’ve limited myself, feel worthless, not good enough, compare myself, I get angrier and anger an hit the pillow and even…scream!
I definitely consider my self well sensed enough to not scream. I can’t even yell when i am around people. Or my “false self can’t yell.” 😉 should I say…. it feels kind of awkward and funny, and relieving at the same time.
The moment of pure change happens after I am done with my daily pounding of the pillow. I feel free. I feel happier, and I feel less tension in my face. I noticed that instead of putting my false self forward in interactions that aren’t genuine, I am more comfortable being my real self naturally though, not contrived. Which is very intriguing to me.
So the verdict is: expressing emotions and making memories conscious is the KEY to being your authentic, real, strong self naturally! Que fabulous!
If I hadn’t been on this journey to let myself shine, I most certainly would never have entered any kind of therapy. Or inquired on the most painful parts that exist inwards. Heck, I would have never even taken the time to move down into my body and begin to experience the pain that exists there.
Lately I have been astounded by the fact that my body has a mind of it’s own. In my dream therapy that I’ve been engaged in and another course I’m working through on the mother wound, I learned that true transformation cannot only be known cognitively, but it must be felt energetically.
For any change to be firm and take hold in you, you must experience it. So I have to experience my pain and own it.
I have made the decision to recently turn away from a relationship that I was deeply involved in. Because mysterious forces were holding me back from loving. All I could think of was him being with another woman. I can’t even picture myself as I am now being someone even MATTER existing with another being. It’s not fair to put my own internal stuff on someone else. I want to come together as a complete and whole individual, or at least mostly whole! I started yelling over social media a few months ago, and I immediately thought I sounded like my mom. Well this is before I started reading how important a mother’s behavior and solidity are for a child. It is massively important and shapes the woman I am today. My mother is literally still in me. I have internalized the messages and behaviors she has. And I want to transform this behavior and become myself! Because I am not my mother, she has raised me but I am my own person. With a well spring of life to live. With my own tastes and likes and loves. And that is something really inspiring to find and it is worth fighting for. To be my own person!
There was some resources in the book I am reading called “Mother’s Who Can’t Love.” And at the end of checking some of these boxes next to phrases that you think your mother has said to you or you felt from her. I checked a lot of the ones that were from the “controlling” mother category, At the end the author, Susan Forward, says that you can see a complete picture of what you believe by looking at the boxes that you checked. I feel like that really helped peel back the layers of me thinking I am awake to life, but really barely being awake to the real drivers controlling my behavior. These foggy glasses that I have been wearing without me noticing need to come OFF. It is so strange thinking that you are in control of your choices when in reality the fears and messages buried deep in your unconscious ARE running the show! Scary.
I don’t want to be run by some piece of programming that isn’t even true. I want it all, success, love, money, happiness. And most of all, I want to love myself.
Before I thought it would be so difficult to love myself. But the more I search the more I uncover. The more I see that I am closer to being the woman I envision myself as.
The work I’ve been doing to let myself shine has brought me to a path. A decision to explore what the heart could do for me. A path that says “How about we try to open your heart and see if that helps?”
It started with the notion that I needed to change my beliefs. Then I noticed the patterns at play in my life, over and over for the last five years! Then after a brief wave of panic that I’d never get further into my life. Someone had to really confront me and say, “You need to empower yourself.” And I could empower myself with my thoughts.
This isn’t some airy-fairy stuff isn’t. The heart is the real deal. Have you ever see the movie Nappily Ever After? It reminds me of the scene where the guy she’s dating for two years, says he has no plans to marry her because every day with her is like a perpetual first date. She never lets her hair down and is always worried about how she looks.
I can relate to that. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 22. And I’m almost 30. But I feel like I am opening and ready.
I definitely don’t mean to rewind the clock and say it’s for a guy. Letting myself shine is for me only.
Doing my belief mantra of challenging , “why am I thinking that?” “I matter” And TRYING MY BEST to stop logging on to instagram under my fake social media profile to look at a guys profile. 😭 . Hey, I’m doing pretty good though. I only slip like 1 or 2 times a week. I used to go on EVERYDAY multiple times a day.
I’ve noticed positive changes in my life. For example, the ability of being able to do this dream interpretation course.
The reason I want to move down to the heart is because I believe it will give me:
The ability to accept LOVE. (I have no problem giving love but accepting it always has me feeling guilty)
I’ve accepted that no matter how many tough words I know and leadership skills I acquire. Nothing will change unless I change the energy about how I present my leadership ability. Unless I open myself up and allow my energy to flow. It’s not all about intellectual skills. Think of the best women leaders you know. Chances are they are kind and compassionate yet strong. The compassion comes from the heart. Note how it doesn’t come across as weak, but warrior strong. The heart is how you access your warrior strength.
Most of all I wanted to heal. I wanted to uncover the unconscious so I can stop living by it and be the strong person I know I am. Without the pain, distrust, crying, need to prove myself by butting in, jealously sometimes and comparison, rudeness, keeping people at a distance, never really letting anyone get to know me, always having a wall up and most importantly NEVER letting anyone help me. It’s just too difficult to keep up!
My friend Michael does healing and I decided to sign up for his dream interpretation course. Although I was warned by my friend scarlet that I don’t need to spend money to change my beliefs. I decided that I needed some additional help. My heart felt like there was knife in it. And I was checking instagram every other day, being distrustful, and living in pain and an uneven emotional state. It quite honestly felt like I was drowning.
I’ve learned from this course, that you dreams really are messages from your higher self. About your life that you already planed out. This course tells you about your life purpose as well, and every dream has symbols that you can look up to see what the message is.
How is this helping me shine?
It’s only been a couple days yet my heart is happy! It’s not in pain anymore. I’ve been having dreams where I am 5 years old and I am still waiting to get them interrupted.
The first day I felt an overwhelming awareness of the universe, my guides, how love really is the best way to go when it comes to leadership. I felt like I could accurately gage other people’s moods, personalities, struggles with my heart. My heart knew. And I could see where they were struggling. Also I didn’t have to show up with a gridlock to prove I am a leader. I showed up with the strength of my heart, and people respected me. There was no power trip.
I was a bit anxious to keep it going, so I have more work to do.
Great women leaders have an open heart and warrior strength. The leader equation is = open heart + natural warrior strength = power woman leader
I am going to continue my dream course and will update you on the progress and the opening of my heart!
I am going to continue challenging my negative thoughts and beliefs