Category Archives: In My Skin

I got fired…again. Here’s what I learned

Well… As I write this I just got fired AGAIN. This is the 2nd time this has happened to me. The owner said he just doesn’t feel like I’m the right fit.

School of hard knocks!

It’s been really hard to try to contort myself in a box so that people will accept me. I have always been bold, brazen, not afraid to speak my truth. In essence I have always tried to shine. But am met with pushback, people not accepting me, and the like. Now I know I am responsible for my whole life. And no one can make me feel a way unless I let them. But let’s not forget, there were red flags that I didn’t pay attention to.

I was only liked when I was quiet, dind’t give my opinion, and accepted being put 2nd. On my 2nd day, It was made clear to me that I had no authority that this job. And that a 20 year old is who I should look to for my commands. Stripped of my basic dignity, each time I gave an opinion or had a thought of my own, I was scolded or got in trouble or the speech was made to be heard that this is unacceptable. 

Never gonna try to fit in

For a moment, even after everything I had learned, I stil tried to be accepted by these people. Not realizing that it is they who are in need of self-love. It may be they who are lacking in self-worth. It may be their projections and thoughts that I am picking up on and it is triggering  me to have a reaction in some way. And in effect I am acting in the way they are thinking because I am picking up on it. 

It is important tobe self aware. To notice that these things are happening, so as not to be at the mercy of them. This is another lesson learned. The only strong way is to collect your souce of power from within. Mostly everybody is looking for love. And if you can’t be yourself at the place you are in, that is the biggest red flag. Unless you are having agregriuos communication errors, if you can’t have your personality shine forth at a place, than it is not the place for you. And it could very well be because the other people you work or are around have not done the necessary inner work to realize their own truth. They are sleeping and perhaps you are the only one that is awake.

A flash of realization!

On my break I chatted with a friend on the phone. I was comfortable and instantly myself. I was strong ,confident and happy. But around the other people back at work, I could barely get my words out, I was self-conscious, slower than usual, I felt small and …stupid. Why is that? Someone once told me when we don’t feel comfortable we are not at our best. Perhaps the energy of that place made me uncomfortable on a phsycic level. Once again the body picks up what the mind seems to miss. 

A divine plan is unfolding for me. I can feel it. A divine plan is unfolding for everyone. Everyone has a plan. The question is will you wake up to it? It’s not for the faint of heart. `

Moral of the story: Never compromise when it comes to being your authentic self! If you are not disrespecting anyone.

Moral of the story: NEVER compromise when it comes to being your authentic self expression! You will never be happy.

From the Netflix series The Politician

Real

I was scared to go into work today because I have been using my own voice and when you do that, people, they don’t like it so much. I’ve personally had that reaction where I hear a woman speak straightforwardly and I feel that gut reaction, like “how dare she?” Here is an excerpt that I wrote in a support group that I’m in on Facebook.

It is truly amazing how people’s reaction to a woman speaking their real, authentic voice. I have been getting much pushback from men and women. It is fascinating to break with tradition and see how people react to me using my voice. One person said, “Sure, I’ll just do whatever you say. Does that work?” When I asked them to swipe their credit card. I never get upset at their reaction. But it is disheartening to really wake up and see that some people at their gut-level don’t respect a woman’s authority. In fact they straight out rebel against it.

Not only have I been receiving push back from customers for simply not responding with the typical “have a nice day. come again!” I had a group of coworkers totally rebel against me. Luckily I have much experience in standing alone in a situation. And was not at all rattled by it. Plus I protected my energy psychely by using a happy bubblevisualization technique before I walked in.  it is a technique where you fill up a bubble with golden white light. It truly does work and I have verified it. Because thoughts are things, anything you think literally is there. So I felt that I effortlessly had the protection I needed against the real drain, which is negative energy. Anything that might zap my energy is a threat that needs to be protected. That is the only real thing that could drain my power. But if I am psychely protected by that or a pendant lets say, then the negativity just bounces right off of me. Which I am totally grateful for. 

I am not worried about getting fired for standing in my power. Because fundamentally and in my heart, I know that my tone is still open and friendly. I am just not going into people pleasing mode. And I am speaking intellectually and with my own authority. I am claiming my own power and using it. And people go mad because of it. Standing back it is kind of funny. And I know that any tense feelings I encounter mean that I am doing a good job. Doesn’t mean that this morning and all of last night I ddin’t get a good sleep because I was nervous to face to backlash. 

But I won’t be stopped until I feel that I own my power in the most powerful way. I won’t stop until I feel satisfied. 

It is so fascinating as I said above to peak inside what other people’s beliefs are about certain isssues.  You don’t need to ask much. You just need to carry yourself in a way that doesn’t jive with their beliefs, and you will know soon enough where they stand on issues such as gender equality. 

I have had a woman tell me, “No! I’ll tell you what to do!” 

Or there is the sneaky woman who seemed unharming, only to have me let my guard down, and when I brought a male collague over to explain a cut of meet, she talked down to me and said could I get her a cut of meat like I was a servant girl.

It is amazing the roles that women are still expected to play. It is easier for both women and men to oppress other women. It is easier for other women if women are servant girls too. And that is just wrong. It is wrong on so many levels. 

Now for me, I keep in mind that I will not interfere with anyone’s healing, but I will be a model of light for the new change of women owning their own authority. I can show by example that healing is possible and what is possible for others. I can inspire by being myself. One of the laws of the universe is that we are not responsible to other people. Other then to be kind. So in the spirit of the universe, I can guilt-free focus on myself. And hopefully it triggers the deeper desire in others to change their behavior for the better. 

Realizations on what I am looking for in a guy

I let myself get caught up in a fliration with a guy for the past 2 weeks or so. My mind always races so far in advance. Where I can’t help but picture us moving along and then him becoming my boyfriend, and us taking trips together. I picture all of this usually before any real interaction gets going. And I always feel like that is good enough, and we never even get close or have any true relationship. I am aware that I am attracting this type of person into my life. Especially after brett, who I thought was definitely going to be the one. 

Now.. I’m not so concerned about the one. I’m not so concerned about kids either. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen. I definitely could use a light and nurturing relationship where mutual love is exchanged, but hey I don’t want to attract a jerk.

And that’s exactly who came knocking at my door again. This guy named Tyler. He would flirt openly and it seems like he was trying to be forward. Showing off his card…doing things that would seem to me that he liked me. Then one day nothing. Actually met with a coldness.

After feeling the familiar stabbing feeling in my heart ( I’ve learned to totally trust what my heart feels, because it is connected to our  source, and is always right) I now tend to ignore my mind when my heart is feeling a certain emotion. And my heart was hurt when I felt ignored by tyler. So, there’s no going backwards. No making excuses. He’s a dud. And there’s some unconscious or conscious belief that is attracting me to this same type of guy. Like a player, but nice. But hey atleast I didn’t google search him and fall in love with him that way prior to even talking to him, like I did with brett. So hey, some habits do go away. 

After that hurt, I reached a major insight. I am not going to ponder at the hand of a guy. I am not going to contort myself, feel so lucky, get wrapped up and fall in love with someone who shows me just a little bit of attention. That is ridiculous. I am a beautiful, capable and highly intelligent woman. There is no way I am going to lower myself anymore. I am going to have standards. And I won’t chase after a man again. I finally, at 30, asked myself this question: what AM I LOOKING FOR IN A GUY? I don’t think I ever asked myself that and was truly curious to know the answer. Before if I felt attraction I just went for it, then I liked people to try to marry them and have a fairytale wedding, then I was lonely and just wanted anyone with a warm pulse and a cute face. No, no,no. my standards are in place and I will firmly say no to any duds, any game players, any guy who tries to make me lower myelf so that they can feel more courageous to talk to me. It’s all no now. Until a nice, sweet guy who is hot and has money comes into my life… then its game on -_-.

Deeper into the childhood issues I didn’t realize how much pain I had been suppressing. All of it is true and it hurts like hell. But I allow myself to cry and it feels so good to cry for myelf. 

Last few hours of being 29! Cheers to a new decade where I come alive.

Fun and 30. My expectations for 30!

I am typing this at 8:27 pm on December 8th 2019. My birthday is in a few hours. These are the last moments of being 29. Here are some things going through my head. This new decade won’t start off right unless I have the right mindset.

In my 30s I want to 

Travel to South Africa

Travel to Japan

Let more fun into my life

Kiss someone!

Enjoy..laugh…and LIVE GENUINELY

During my therapy it has been noted that I have not had fun in my physical body since I was 5 years old!

Sacre Bleau! 

And it’s true. I even said it myself that I don’t feel like I’ve ever had fun. It has been so long since I let loose and had fun.

Fun. I miss you.

So as giddy as I am right now. I am getting MAJORLY EXCITED for 30 ya’ll 

It is like the energy of a new decade is now surging through my veins. I believe that new decades change you. They change the alignment of things. 

I learned a few things throughout my 20s

I was not having fun

I was blinded by childhood issues 

I did not have as happy or joyeous of a childhood as I thought

I played the victim

Got hurt A LOT

Learned I thought I was worthless nd hence went after men that treated me so

Was very lonely and isolated myself

But also learned a lot about myself. When I think back to being 20 years old I realize how much of a naïve kid I was. And leaving this decade I am leaving more womanly, graceful and mature than I found it. All in all not much changed experience wise when related to emotions. 

For 30 I want to experience it all. The joyeous highs, the euphoria of love, the kiss of love, I want to laugh until I cry. I want to create AMAZING MEMORIES. I want to expand my horizons and see amazing new things, and go on amzing new adventures. I want to accompany and be accompaniesd. I want to discover..the world, people, LIFE. I want to have a glass of wine in paris… eat pasta in rome. Learn in japan and enhance my life and make my company pleasant. I want to let love in. I want to be surrounded by so much love and friendship that I feel like the luckiest girl on planet earth.

I never want to feel lonely again. In my 30s yes that is when I press the play button on my life. My life that has been on hold for so long. Believing in the stories of my childhood. And believing in one of those most deathly stories the story that the prince will come rescue me. Then I can start to live.

No, I will live now. Iwill kiss the sky because now I am 30 years old. And now it is my time to take life by the horns!

Will I miss my 20s? Yes, do I strangely have regrets that I didn’t do enough yet.. yes.. but I know that I am working on them. And they will go away. Because the best time to start to live is now

To this new decade! And to 2020. I am livin’ for ya 😉 and I’m living for ME!

Yesterday- smiling despite the insecurities. Perfection isn't lovable. Imperfections are endearing. I couldn't smile this much a month ago. Shows progress.

Draining the people-pleaser energy in me

Now that I am finally allowing memories to come up, and not trying to control the direction of my own healing.

Read: I try to just go with where my body and subconscious wants to release tears, pain, anger and watch the movie that plays in my head. I have been having memories of being a people pleaser. One very vivid memory is when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. And I asked the teacher a simple question She scolded me. I went to catholic school, but she scolded me so hard that she embarrassed me. It burned my skin and my soul. So, in an effort to remedy the situation I asked her another question 2 minutes later, as if to reintroduce myself. To calm things. To make sure she still loved me.  I didn’t get the love that I needed from her. Now being in second grade I knew expertly how to reintroduce my need to please.

I was skilled at it. So, I must have picked this negative skill up in the years prior. Being only 8? Or so in 2nd grade. This leaves my early years to be uncovered. I am looking at these years as they come up effortlessly in my mind. I am noticing how far I go today to not get on anyone’s bad side. I am even sometimes afraid to take a piece of candy every day from a apartment lobby that I go to.Because the woman at the front desk watches me. I don’t think she is really herself in my mind. I think she is standing in place of my mother. I am afraid that I am going to get in trouble if I take too much candy or if I do anything really. Perhaps that is why I have been going day in and day out for 5 years. Wanting to grow up but still feeling like a little girl. Still waiting to have fun. Grown-up sophisticated fun. My life was on hold. What was I waiting for a man? I was. I was waiting for a man. But I think more than that I was waiting for permission from my mom. The little girl inside of me was waiting for permission that living with roommates, that taking time away from my computer to explore is ok. Is allowable. Sure my mom can tell me to go outside and have fun. And complain nothing ever changes for me, and blame me for that.

But deep down I didn’t feel that I was able to have fun. The umbilical cord that attached my mom and me together is still firmly intact. And as I am severly it, I am becoming more of an adult. More womanly, more superstarish, more uplifting, more myself.   Iwas never able to make choices on my own before. I would always have to talk to my mom about it? Why? So that I can confirm my safety? That I wouldn’t get in trouble? Is what keeps coming up. How absurd. Now I am learning I can make decisions on my own. This is my life. And I claim it now. I am living for me. Not my mom. 

Also I notice now how every interaction I am scared that I am going to get introuble some how. That feeling is in my energy. And if it is in my energy I will certainly attract people who will use it against me. Therefore my best defense is to drop it completely from my energy. The fact that I am not a people pleaser needs to be apart of this energy as well.

Therefore when it is, no one will try to use it against me. Because it can not be used against me. People-please is so ingrained in me and the fear of getting in trouble by the watchful eye of mom. I will be relieved to drop it. To sculpt myself as I should be. Not have my mom hold my hand and lead me to where I want to go. I will lead my own life! I will take care of my own self! I can’t imagine how much lighter I would be if I dropped the things that were using my energy like a computer, that I didn’t know were taking up so much space. It would be nice to clear my harddrive of people pleaser, emotional caretaker. And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be nice. I would. But I wouldn’t be like the typical mom. I would be more like a strong woman. A matriarch. I would still be feminine as well. It is time to claim my life as mine before it is too late. 

My intimacy in the age of technology

Love yourself. Love yourself. How to love yourself in the age of technology. How to care for yourself. How to let yourself shine. A funny thing happened today. A boy that I once flirted with moved out of his house. I probably will never get to speak to him again. And again I felt the knife in my heart of comparison. I felt lonely. Lonely because he probably had intimate and close relationships and probably doesn’t want one with me. My thoughts raced am I even worthy of intimate relationships? Now I knew where this was coming from. Clearly this issue stems back from my mother. And how I was conditioned. I know that it is not truly me. But I stumbled onto something. I will enjoy myself. And when I fully enjoy myself that is when I will attract a man. It is so easy for us as women to be conditioned to wanting to be with a man. I, myself, have a strong desire to have an intimate relationship and have a husband. But I will only attract the type of man that my issues attract to me, if I don’t first love myself. Feel sexy on my own. Actually FEEL euphoric feelings about myself. Be confident. Be desirable enough for myself. Where I can stand in my womanly mystery, spell-binding feminine power and say yes I am enjoying myself and loving every inch of the positive qualities about me. That is when a healthy, healed and compatible man will enter my life, and we can learn from each other. It doesn’t have to be marriage. But every relationship is an opportunity to learn. I had been so closed off in the past, that it has been so long since I learned something from an intimate relationship. Doing the inner work necessary has opened me up quicker than i thought. And suddenly I am able to converse with people and hopefully bring a little light their way. It is important for me to remember that my power comes from focusing on myself. Not other people. I can only retain and influence by healing myself and continue to do the deep work necessary to attract the life, and inner state that I want.

How I realized I was starving myself of self love

I’ve been working on issues that I’ve had regarding my mom. For the longest time I thought that I was as conscious as they come. But I was projecting a lot of trust issues, projecting that “Everyone hates me” and in reality, I could care less about the way I treated myself.

I wasn’t aware that I was enacting negative patterns until someone basically yelled it to me. It was really hard for me to become conscious of my behavior unless someone helped me. And that is when I started to see my actions clearly. And it is when I started to see the importance of working on issues and the importance of discussing childhood and the way our parents raise us.

When I interviewed Rhonda Britten she said something that I couldn’t get out of my head. She said “Most people do have breakdowns (during growth) because when you see the way you’ve been treating yourself you’re going to be sad.”

Some part of me hung onto those words. Even though the overall sense of ME didn’t quite get the meaning of it on an emotional level. I am all about being in my head. But the real work and change happens when you allow yourself to emotionally feel the feelings that are connected to memories, habits, the way you treat yourself in the past .

The simple realization that I was barren happened a couple days ago. I was walking a dog around in the neighborhood and it simply came together.

Theres room for me to love myself.

A few days ago I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t even conscious of it. I knew I wanted to be in love. But I could only give tainted love. Love mixed with fear, jealously, neediness and control. I was willing to put my needs aside, go small, beg and plead for someone to be with me. I didn’t love myself. I fucking hated myself. Look how I’ve always treated myself, not taking proper care physically, forcing myself to look at other girls and think about the person I like being with them over and over again.

That’s not normal. That’s sick. And that is how I treated myself, (especially the picturing the guys I like with other girls, for YEARS.) In fact that is the only kind of “self-love” that I knew. How disgusting.

If you want love in your life (like I do) you have to be ready. Who knew! You have to work on yourself and relationships with yourself even though it may not seem as “fun” as being with someone else are ESSENTIAL if you want the world. The career, the guy, the house, the success, the money. Which I do!

So just like a car that requires gasoline here were my levels a few days ago. Since i’ve made the realization that I have HATED myself (which makes me so sad) I’ve tried to give myself a break, be more comforting to myself in an effort to see things more clearly.

Self-Love (loving self TRULY, feeling worth it, feeling happy with who I am) – 0%

Self-Worth- 0%

Self-Acceptance – 0%

Self-Care- 0%

Here are some ways I was neglecting myself:

Wearing the same clothes EVERYDAY.

Depriving myself of basic essentials such as deodorant, clean clothes (because I had other things to do, or I am “busy”, or “they don’t matter.)

Neglecting to feed my body NUTRITIOUS foods. And just eating whatever to keep moving forward.

“Nourishing” myself with TOXIC energy buy going on Instagram to torture myself with pictures of other girls and picture my crush being with them. (How sad!)

Pushing myself mentally, physically without much down time

Sleeping on a hard bed instead of ordering a comfortable mattress cushion (because it’s just “for me” and chin up! I will tough it out.)

Going a year without a haircut. Because who cares? I have better things to focus on. Just throw it up in a pony tail!

It’s very sad. But it’s not how I am going to treat myself from now on. I am not coming from a place of sheer emptiness and trying to love another when I would sacrifice myself and betray myself over and over. That is not real love. That is sad. When I am in this state everything seems out of reach. My words have an undercurrent of desperation. And it feels like I am totally alone.

Inspiration:

A key that has helped me make this crucial relatization is working on the mother wound. I am currently reading the book “Mother’s Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters.” I love my mother. But until we recognize the ways that our mother’s weren’t that great then we will still be stuck being a little girl and never able to make the leap to being a grown woman. That is something I am absolutely sure of.

A colleague is a image consultant and she is offering a really great discount on a style course she offers. So I have decided to plan and get the money ( by working hard!) to invest. The thing I am most excited about is learning my color palette. I have a feeling I am a Spring, but I will keep you posted.

I have learned so much about shining, about myself, and about confidence on this journey. I never would’ve looked inward like this for years to come if I had not decided to start this project.

I thought I was living as myself. But I was only living one small sliver of my humanity. The thing I have learned is that our wounds are doorways and we can transform them into power.

Things I am doing to love myself:

Going to a self-care retreat (thrown by my stylist friend. They have massages there. I’ve never gotten one before.)

Going to get highlights for my 30th birthday. (next month!)

Make a special point to recognize, cherish and celebrate my special day on December 9th. Instead of just saying “who cares. It’s another day.”

Make sure all bills are paid on time.

Make sure my living condition is clean.

Make sure my body is being fed delicious and healthy food.

Work on identifying negative patterns that were never mine to begin with. So I can increase my self love.

New Growth, New Haircut

After having an exciting energy shifting session as part of my healing – i was able to release some negative energy that I was holding on to. I had never had an experience like that before. For some time I felt like I was neglecting myself. And since I felt so light afterwards I decided spur of the moment to get a hair cut. I hadn’t had one in a year, or longer. And now that I have cut it I did not realize how bad the before affects were. Part of being empowered is indulging in putting yourself first and loving yourself. it is not a waste of money to care for yourself. And I feel like I can see my progress reflected now that the old locks are cut off.

Verdict: Good decision and made me feel empowered. I just couldn’t take every day getting up and putting my hair that i’ve neglected back in a pony tail. it was almost slave like. until the burden of neglect got so heavy that I just needed to do something about it.

Self love is a part of respecting the gift that is you, filling “your cup” and affirming to yourself that you matter. It is also a great boost when you can look in the mirror and feel pretty and good about yourself. It does add confidence. But when you do the hard inner work, the messy, crying mascara running town your face, feel like you are completely unraveling work, you can put on new clothes and see how much you have grown. You literally do look different, your face is lighter, the expression in your eyes is usually kinder.. or stronger. Wiser for sure. All the pain and sadness and feeling like you don’t measure up. That you are the only one so screwed up in this world work actually ..did something? Yes. So it keeps you going back under water, ready for another try, and holding your breath for what is to come next. Being human is messy.

Inspiration: next stop: new clothes?? soon! Inner work comes first then outer celebration (at least for me)

The beginning of true self-confidence and shine?

Yesterday I started to notice the absence of something that has been around for a long, long time The absence of self-hatred.

For as long as I can remember I…have hated myself. Everything from the way that I look, to actions that I took, every time I took a risk, I would replay the scene over and over in my head. And the feelings of “who do I think I am?” would come up so strong that I would wince and cringe at my actions.

But yesterday early in the morning when I thought about how I wore a bright orange dress to an event for the simple reason because I wanted to, I waited for self-hatred to strut on into to my mental, emotional and physical state.. but alas, it did not?

No. It was replaced by “Well, what’s wrong with that Gabriella?” “Why couldn’t you wear that dress.” What?!

It was truly a pivotal moment for me. And it caused me to rethink that memory in my mental storage. The absence of self-hatred reillustrated that whole event, opened up new avenues of me looking nice. One time I was condemning myself, to now praising myself for being so courageous, for wanting to look pretty, for daring to be seen.

Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and felt a creeping sense of self-love. I thought, “Yes. I do look pretty today.” And I meant it.

The beginning threads of letting myself shine.

gabriella did

I’m going to heal my mother wound!

I had my first initial phone call with Bethany Webster who specializes in healing the Mother Wound. I am going to join her private coaching as a result.

I definitely do feel different after acknowledging that there is a mother wound (there’s a father wound too!) that comes with the site of having been born.

After our call, I saw the world differently. I indeed feel that I have fully stepped into the new paradigm of women’s leadership. And that it is the missing component that I surely needed to embrace my own self and abilities.

Because it is like running against a brick wall, trying to be a leader when there is this thing stopping you. And that thing hurts and is painful. And wrapped up in insecurity and uncertainty. That how it feels as I try to break through to let myself shine.

I don’t want to be like the girl with the peal earring. If you’ve seen the movie she basically is this servant girl and guys can just have their way with her. She doesn’t speak or anything.

Couple things that are changing:

  1. I’m able to look women in the face and eyes and actually smile while walking down the street. (Before I would try this exercise of seeing a young women, looking at her in the eyes and smiling. But I could only do it for a half a second and my smile was underconfidnet before I started to feel the eruption of negative feelings.) My intentions were good but the feelings resulted in a block between her and I. And I know she feels it too. And I never knew why. But now I do. The Mother Wound.
  2. I am able to look at young women and see that they are struggling with very much the same things that I am. Negative feelings toward other women when you want to be positiive, sometimes jealous feelings, ABSOLUTELY an underlying feeling of competiion (which I always felt so guilty for)
  3. Comparision (which i have written about before) I can’t stop comparing myself, I almsot came to enjoy it like a game or something. But yesterday for a brief moment I was not attracted to the idea of looking at another girl’s instagram to see how much better, prettier, more interesting she is than I.
  4. A sense of freedom. With which my full self can blossom. And hopefully it will create new pathways to let myself shine more easily!

Like I said I could keep getting the soft skills and pushing hard against the system, but i was still missing a piece of the puzzle. The experience of healing myself.

More to come….