My work has been leading me to this decade. The decade to take my power back and fully shine. As you can see the energy has changed as we entered this new decade of excellence. It feels as if we went up a level as a civilization. The world collectively has now entered into the higher consciousness together. And it is of the utmost importance for all of those who feel the call to enter into their cocoon of transformation and change their lives for the better. You get bogged down, you feel bad about yourself, your energy is drained because of the negative attachments from the past that you hold on to.
A Society Unravels
The time has come to let go of those attachments like never before. But no one can do the work for you. You have to do the work on your own.
As a society, things are changing. Women are taking back their power, the world needs to generate more compassion to the Earth and all of it’s inhabitants.
It is time to become more inclusive of all.
Spiritual laws govern the universe and it is important for the sake of our planet that everyone turns inward to fulfill their potential and become as beautiful as butterflies.
Social interactions don’t feel as good because of the negative filters that weigh you down. Social interactions are ruffled and it is your duty to clear yourself from the shackles of the past. The shackles that you picked up, inherited, from generation before generation. These outdated views of expression no longer will work in this decade.
The only solution is to turn inward. You will see in pop culture manifestations of the collective wants. The need for women to own their power. The need for authentic expression from every individual. This is at the national level. But consuming the idea intellectually will leave you with remorse. You need to do the work.
Now is the time to shine. It is your right. It is your duty.
I want to bathe in unconditional love for myself. Isn’t that what life is about? To learn and to love.
One unique side affect ( and I’m not complaining!) of the inner work that I’ve done is a sizzling awakening to true pleasure and my sexuality. I am starting to take delight in my womanly pleasures. Seeing that they have a certain charm and appeal that I can use. In other words: I’m feeling myself. Feeling beauty, feeling sexy, feeling wanted and desired. This is really a new feeling. As feeling desirable and girly is something that I thought wasn’t in the cards for me, unfortunately. I thought other girls are lucky because they have that feminine mystique. That allure. Where one glance and the guy instantly wants them.
Then there’s me. I immediately tense up the moment someone pats my shoulder. I actively mitigate advances. I block out feelings. Any kind of desire toward me I blocked. I didn’t want to feel. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. Then my mind races, and I don’t want to screw up this mild affection I was getting. Then awkward pained smiles. I wasn’t “feeling it” I wasn’t “vibing” with myself. I lacked the divine feminine energy that attracts naturally. As you know this is related to my mother issues. Lack of my needs being taken into account left me with a LACK of the divine nectar of feminine goodness. Naturally I was left barren. I was a girl on the outside. But inside I felt like the least bit sexy. I felt unattractive.
Well it is in the cards for me folks. It’s in the cards for everybody as long as traumas blocking that energy are healed to allow it to flow…everywhere.
And the physical benefits are plenty.
I feel like I have a natural air about me that attracts others to me.
I carry myself like I am beautiful, I inhabit my body like I am gorgeous. And this is very new for me. But men respond to me differently now. They stare more and listen less.. in a good way. 😉
I truly feel that I can see my features and body for the first time. Because my perception was skewed from my childhood I always saw ugly. But in fact I am not ugly.
I feel that I am turned on by the thought of myself because of the flow of female energy once blocked, flowing EVERYWHERE.
Once I unblock more of my divine feminine energy I feel that I can fully entrance men in my sexy natural spell and allure.
I enjoy myself I don’t want any random guy, but realize I have my pick of who I WANT in am an. And maybe I am not thinking high enough. As I settled for others who have had problems in the past.
If I did get into a relationship, I would enjoy the learning experience. And not even think instantly about marriage like I used to. I know now I can learn something from every relationship and am more open to what they can teach me.
What I am looking forward to:
I am looking forward to the intimate experience of coming into my sexuality. If the time is right and the universe puts someone special into my life that I can learn from, I will fully enjoy being a divine feminine. Instead of my former role of worrying about everything and never feeling any pleasure or freedom of sexual expression.
My hair is coming down. Once tight so tightly in a pony tail. I am coming undone in the best way possible.
This cocooning period that I am in is very personal to me. It is a beautiful, raw process. It is very real, painful, messy, glorious, eye-opening, humbling and powerful. I am so very grateful have felt the spark pushing me to be my authentic self. I now see that all people, are struggling. During each of my therapy sessions, the call is recorded. So, I listen back to the session afterwards. I notice how different my voice sounds from the very first. I was always not happy with my voice. Not happy with the high-pitched girlyness that invalidated me as someone powerful. I knew there was a more mature and deeper me inside but couldn’t access it.
Now I know that it is the trauma that was binding me to that little girl voice. In a sense I was operating like I was still a little girl. Connected to my mother. And I wouldn’t have been able to grow up until I started to take my life into my own hands. It is so crazy to think that even a year or two ago, I couldn’t make decisions without consulting my mom first. I would call her to ask if I should go out, or if I should try something new. My whole plan was to make a lot of money so I could take care of her. That right there is all wrong. I had too much responsibility on my shoulders. I could not be the woman I envisioned myself as because I was stuck developmentally as a little girl who needed her mother’s love. To prove that I was still a good little girl. I was waiting and always wanting her approval and love, but that would not come. I needed to individuate. Because I am not my mother or my father, I am myself. A completely separate and unique person with my own spark to flood the world with.
It truly is an emergence. So much of my real self is hidden between the quicksand of my skin. There is so much I want to say that I repress. There is so much more emergence that can take place. One by one my petals unfold as I shift and change. As I rid my heart of negative trauma’s that are blocking it’s bright light. Every tear that I shed, no matter how much it hurts my inner child. It is worth it to feel the trauma’s move away from my heart physically. There is no way I won’t stop healing.
Let the light in
I am waking up to the light. The light within me that shines. It is a truly beautiful experience. I am finding myself stretching my petals to the sun. Reaching higher then I ever have before. Stretching more than I thought. Life is more open than it used to be. It is more fully of possibilities. For example, now I want to go to South Africa in September 2020. I want to move outside of the radius where I had been circling for the last 5 years. Life is much more wider and expanded than it used to be. My perception has been widened. It is like the earth has broken in half and has let me in on her secrets. I truly feel on top of the world even though I am no where near what I had planned for myself. The work is worth it. It was my past that was keeping me held back. It was my unconscious beliefs that were keeping me stuck in that painful bud. While the world was waiting for me to open up.
I know that I am making progress because one day I was able to feel another side to myself. And after all the work purging, gagging, ridding myself of the anger and suppressed feelings from my childhood I am starting to see the light. I woke up yesterday and really understood what “feeling myself” meant. I was at my part-time job and a man thought I was attractive, and for a brief second I allowed myself to be “venus.” You know feel womanly. Feel the rush of one of those neurotransmitters, let my body take over instead of constantly stuck in my mind.
And that feeling has only increased over into today. I woke up and felt like I am turned on by myself. Not in a weird way. It is just a mixture of excitement about life and myself. The fact that I have so much power, that every human does, especially when you are young and have a sense of purpose.
The world is literally limitless. And I wonder if this is what people mean when they say “The world will open up.” I never understood the phrase until now, so I guess it’s one of those things that you have to live through.
Feeling attractive and lovely and beautiful and sexy and essentially like aphrodite, when you’ve never felt beautiful before at all or sexy, and were always in your head, or trying to get ahead by being a male is one of the most satisfying and joyeus feelings that I’ve felt to date. I realize that there is immense power to being a woman. And loving, appreciating your womanly charm. Your magnetism. Your nurturing side, your sexy side. And you can use them to your advantage. After all beauty is only skin deep. And everyone is beautiful. So, I think that womanly power has a lot of root in beauty. Everyone loves a thing of beauty and wants to be near a bright light.
And the best part of the feeling of loving yourself (this natural euphoria), (with no alcohol, drugs or other things to induce this state) is that now I am starting to get to the right place when it comes to attracting a MAN. Because I believe that I am a princess and deserve a handsome prince in partnership with me. Not to rescue me. (more on this later)
Since I am doing the inner work to empower myself. At times I feel I am a bit of an emotional mess. Coming to terms with my flaws. But one other thing that has been new in my life and unusual is the sometimes *desperate* need for support. At times it feels extremely emotionally unstable. Like I am falling and no-one around me wants to help.
So when I do get some human interaction I often feel that I talk or unload on to them. It feels good and I feel better for a little while. But I have wondered if this is really me being “open” to supportive friendships or me just dumping my feelings on to others. It’s really difficult to diagnose because what is friendship if you can’t talk about things? What DO you talk about? Am I allowed to talk about myself?
Everyone is responsible for their own inner work
This is a concept that I have just stumbled across. Prior to reading about it I had not known it was a thing. I agree with it for other people, but it can be difficult to come to terms with myself. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one with “issues.” Trust issues, insecurity issues, difficultly shining. Yet everyone has issues but not everyone is actively working on them. So I give myself a pat on the back.
I am more aware of when I am talking to someone and using them to fill a hole that is in my heart. A need for momentary love and belonging. Like all people need. I want to feel whole and therefore give my expression of love. But I can’t give love that is laced with fear and insecurity. And right now that is all I can live. Desperate love tinged with the fear that one day you are going to leave me. Or that you will discover that I’m not interesting or fun or good as the next person.
Where I draw the line on emotional labor
Ok, one thing I’ve always noticed. Is that as a young person (more so when I was younger) I would reach out to women. And just want a moment of compradore. Or more than that, a moment of understanding. Of kindness. I wanted to be heard and listened to. And acknowledged as a human being. And more often than not after sending emails, I would never hear a response to heartfelt emails or I would literally feel like the person was dangling me by a thread for their love. I would have to work or even be made to feel insignificant by these female role models.
And so maybe it’s a principle I have not learned yet, but I know how important loving kindness is. A moment of it. Responding to an email. Seeing another person as a human being. Not living by “feminist” ideals for once. Making a difference.
So I think that while I will put down my the emotional labor I do. I will definitely think twice about being a dumping ground for stories that are a disguise for not digging into to another inner world. There will be moments at my discretion when I chose kindness. When I chose to respond to an email and uplift someone. Because that is the most important thing for me to do. And I will be sure to let people know the reason I don’t respond is because they need to do their own inner work. Instead of leaving them hanging making them feel like crap.
Goal for this blog post: is it possible to be empowered on your own? Inspiration
I’ve been thinking lately what does it mean to be empowered. Is it something that I can do on my own? Apprently so. Because I’ve been told that only I can make the internal decision to change my thoughts and empower myself. So, what does that switch look like? How can I access my switch to feel empowered?
My worst fear is that I will get into a relationship when I haven’t fully empowered myself. To me right now that is considered a fail. But I am unsure if I’m thinking of it wrong. Maybe you can’t empower yourself without other people?
What is Empower?
Empowered is more than a look. It is a feeling that other people can feel. It inspires. It arouses some jealously. It’s powerful. It feels like freedom and strength all mixed into one package. People see it when you are empowered. It reflects in your voice, your dress, your facial expressions.
I want to be empowered.
Outside Image and Inside Reality
When I asked someone to describe me in 3 words they said I had a lot of self-belief. And that I was a leader. And it made me really happy and made me feel powerful. But to me there is still a piece that is missing. The part where I arrive metaphorically in my mind driving a mercedes up into the driveway of my mind, park it and get out, go into the house and ARRIVE.
Empowered is wearing the clothes you want and wearing the hell out of them
Empowered is being so sure and strong in yourself and delving so deeply into your power that other people can feel it and get inspired by it
Empowered is standing strong in yourself, not slumping shoulders, not taking back what you said, not hesitating
Empowered is facing the threat that you might “get introuble” by some of your actions, thoughts, but you can handle it and take respnsibility for yourself.
Empowered means expressing your thoughts with passion the way you want to speak them unleashing yourself with passion
Empowered is letting negative comments bounce off of you. Because you’ve made the switch. You know that your mindset is strong, and that other people don’t run the guidebook of what’s right and wrong.
Empowered also means for me that I attract the right kind of attention and I step into the role/spotlight and own it.
It is knowing that other people’s words can’t affect me unless I give into it. It is knowing that if someone is rude to me or orders me to do something, that I don’t have to give in. That I can take a step back, and with the right knowledge and tools I can manage the situation to be in my favor. I can stand strong and confident. All by achieving this inner state of empowered.
But what I really want to know is how did people come to this state? Where they feel empowered. And all of a sudden their old ways of behavior go out the window.
I want to achieve the mental state of empowerment. I will continue to tell myself positive beliefs and identify mental distortions using CBT. For example, if I catch myself thinking that “If I don’t get this done then I’m going to (WORST CASE SCENERIO). I’m going to say instead that I can handle it. And that “I’m gritty” and “fall 7 times and get up 8.” I am going to access strength that I know is there but it seems like is too hard to get to.
I’ve learned that my character strengths are one locked door to my true potential that is hidden beneath the layers of socialization, beliefs, and attitudes that I think are the real me.
If there’s one thing that has been on my mind, it’s the very obvious truth as I see it. You, me, both of us are not expressing our fullest self.
Yet I see you struggling with an existence that does not reflect your uniqueness. I am struggling with it to.
My voice, my curiosity, my passion, my confidence. The trailblazer, the adventurer, the whiz kid who always pointed out flaws in others arguments when you were younger.
Somehow my essence got sealed up with the ultimate, sticky rubber cement.
Now I are quiet, content with silence, a wall flower.
Being a desperate observer when I really want to feel the glory and intensity of the game.
But, wait, where do you begin to get your essence back?
Breaking through to my deeper self, the kid I used to be when I was younger, is something that I’ve longed for even for before I could articulate it,
The pressure to go deeper and find the part of me that I lost along the way started to get more intense over the past year.
I started to slip more and more under the water because I was wounded and I was letting that stop me.
I started to hand over my voice and my power to a faceless ghost,
I just couldn’t bear to see the rest of me disappear.
I could not find the answers that I needed, could not articulate what I was seeking.
I just knew something was missing and I would know when I found it.
At this point, you might be thinking that you are lying to yourself if you want to bring out the real you. You might think you are nothing special. Not brilliant enough to stand out. Or you may think the natural fantasy of you being larger than life is just a delusion of your mind.
It’s no delusion.
Do you ever wonder why you can’t even physically communicate the words you want to say sometimes? Do you ever wonder why?
There is something that you have forgotten. And it’s time to remember it.
You who are. Your essence, your power is boundless. you have the ability to be the larger than life image that you want to be.
You can speak your truth effortlessly without so much as thinking that someone will get upset with you.
But you can’t because your true nature and who you present on the outside are out of alignment. They are not lined up so that your true power can be released from you.
Right now, you are not even you. You are the beliefs of your parents, of society, of standards that you never got a chance to question. You are quiet, and good, and patience, and studious, and self-sacrificing.
Right now you are the culmination of every experience that said you aren’t good enough, why don’t you be quiet, your ideas are the way we want to go. You’re too nice, every co worker that didn’t listen to you, every instance where you thought you can’t possibly influence others.
A Time to Own Your Power
The world is on various cycles. Sometimes we need women to be assertive, like in World War 2. And other times when society needs us to be more docile. We listen to the messages in our culture and act accordingly.
Well, now we are entering an age where we need to step up again.
It’s time for your soul to wake up.
Right now you cannot access your power. But one door to unlock is your character values.
Character values are your innate strengths that you came to this planet with. You can stop concentrating on your weaknesses so much and start to build up and nuture these strengths with exercises.
A free survey was mentioned in the book that I am reading called Flourish. The survey is VIA (values in action). It was created by one of the founders of positive psychology, Martin Sielgmen. (I highly recomend his reading, he is a great thinker!)
When you have psychological knowledge of your innate strengths you can approach life in a more real way. When you know more about yourself, you can build your self-esteem and suddenly perceptions like dominating someone are stripped away of importance.
My Reaction to the Test
I felt that this test gave me some fresh air to breathe in a way no other tests have.
I felt a crack in my heart.
The surface of who I presented to the world has an opening now.
Where I can cultivate my essence and fill up space in my body with who I really am.
I felt a new sensation, similar to the ocean flooding and rushing through an opening.
And I want you to feel that way too. Because it’s the start of cultivating your essence.
It’s the beginning of an exuberant existence with way more energy.
Conclusion: Is this what i have been looking for? is this the answer to being assertive? i can be nice if i want to but i don’t see it as a weakness. did all i need was a perception change?
My top 5 character strengths are:
For example, I want to make the leadership strength stronger because that is where I felt I was lacking then I can put myself in positions where leadership would need to be used.
My recommendation is to take this test to find out what strengths you can harness.
A new day has come! A day where you can let yourself shine without mental filters stopping you. Time to strip yourself of insecurities and get comfortable letting yourself shine in alignment with your true essence!