Category Archives: Find my voice

Miss Americana

Taylor Swift has a new and raw documentary called Miss Americana. It is set to be released at the end of January. The teaser said it is about her embracing her role and also using the full power of her voice. Which is just up my alley. It is slated as a transformational period in her life. Which is pretty much what I am doing here.

The mystique of a woman using the full power of her voice is really hard. You definitely need someone supporting you. I have been getting by pretty good and making progress on my own. It reminds me of climbing up a period. The little triangular part at the top is the goal. And walking up the side of it, one might encounter more tense obstacles and foes that will want to shut down your voice. Or the challenges will be confusing, for example, there are times when I’m not sure if it is appropriate to use my full voice, because I feel someone could interpret me as being insensitive or mean or rude. But I always feel like I gave up myself when I don’t. So I know for a fact that it is always beneficial to be in the power and use my voice. But sometimes I also get scared to use it. How crazy is it that using the full power of my voice can sometimes feel like starting a war. And standing in my own power feels very very wrong. But one thing that consoles me is something that I heard. That “I am the authority of my own energy.” It eases some tension inside to know that I don’t need to ask anyone’s permission to take up more space on the sidewalk, to say what is on my mind, to stop walking and take a break even if it is infant of a woman that wants me to move. She isn’t the authority of my energy. I am. And I will never be happy if I am a grandmother/old lady, looking at al of these young ladies and realizing i had the opportunity to realize my power and i was too scared. the time is now for change.

I really like this artwork. Credit: Eric Rader

If I trusted my inner child how far could I go?

Someone once told me that one healing is rarely enough for a lifetime. And I did not expect to immediately jump into the next issue that arose. But, here we are. At inner child work.

I don’t do something unless I believe in it and start to see real results from it. The work of Dr. Maragaret Paul has soothed my deepest self. The ruffled layers deep within me that are really hard to get to. That cause my voice to be pained and call out to me from deep within myself. The other day I woke up from a dream where this deeply pained voice called out to me and said, “but am i pretty enough?” It was after a dream i had where I asked other people if I am indeed pretty enough. Which I really did in college.

The scariest thing you can do is to be yourself

My inner child is calling me to come out. She is calling me to trust her. But this is an issue that I am struggling with. For instance, there was an incident that I was involved in when I caught people gossiping about me. The energy was negative, and my body and heart were telling me something fishy was going on. I addressed it, and was met with an extremely defensive and angry response. Which to me confirmed my hunch. Normally after an incident like this I don’t even notice any residual sad feelings, particularly because I guess I didn’t care about myself or consider myself a person . But this time I really noticed that I was sad. It hurt me that people decided to gossip about me. This was a revelation for me. I never noticed that I had been hurt before.

I started going down to my gut-level and asking my inner child questions. And after a little bit of probing, patience and listening, I got to the point where a part of me said, “You don’t trust me. You abandon me. You think I’m a troublemaker.” It is at this point that I realized that I do abandon myself because I do think that I start trouble. Where did I get this idea from? I am not a trouble maker. But it is this belief that is wrapped around my inner child’s throat. I am bold I will admit that. I am daring. I am a little rebellious. I say things that people may not want to hear. But should I be forced to hide who I am? Should I self-abandon myself and always think the other party must be right? No. No. No. I will step out and be myself. Imagine what is possible for me for any of us if we let that little child have a voice. If we gave ourselves permission to be the boldest version of ourselves. How would we change? How would my life change? What energy could I connect to? What am I satisfying right now by not being my full self? What false tapes did I buy into that I think are really me that are in fact not really me and are clanking my fullness? My aliveness?

Art Credit: Studio Abstracto on Etsy

Sticky Situations

So here I am asserting my own power. And then another woman comes in and it feels like we are stuck together sort. I know I have to focus on myself but I cant help caring about what she is doing. Hearing her voice. I try to break myself free but I can’t. but I know this woman is jealous. So I wonder if her jealously has affected the other people. I did engage to set boundaries because her energy became overwhelming at one point. But now I think I may backstep because the most important part may be to not engage with people like that. If you remain undisturbed by people who want to disturb you they stop bothering you apparently. So how can I remain unperturbed? Do I need to look inside again! Look MORE INSIDE. I know that I need to love myself along the way. I want to be done with this work I want to already shine and be at the finish line, but I will keep going. 

It is amazing how difficult 

Blossoming

Now that I have finally cleared my childhood issues that I have inherited from my mom, the days that followed truly felt amazing. It felt like my energy had been restricted for so long, and the bonds that were restricting me, that were hurting me, have been cut and my energy has been released.  I was told to be patient so that my energy could grow. So that the energy could expand and all the parts of me that were hidden could expand, . now that I am more comfortable being myself. I really feel that I can be the assertive self much more easily.

The only thing is that not everybody likes it.

At my butcher shop job the owner talked to me and said “I hear you are bold with the customers.” This made me upset in my heart. It felt like I was being wounded. Sometimes it’s not so much the words that are said but the feeling that I pick up from in my heart.  Because I am bold people feel the need to control me.  When I am a positive force for their custoemers.  It is just frustrating that I am always trying to be limited. It is important that  I ground down in my assertiveness. 

What comes when someone is contained in an place, and shows leadership. Is that people will show tension. And because of my direct and straightforward manner I have received some tension. But instead of looking outward and blaming others, like I have done just last week. I have decided to turn that around and look inside of myself again. I can not blame others for their behavior and feel like a victim myself. I have to heal whatever part of me still gets irritated from the other person. it feels like I have just healed my mothering issues, but it is a continuing process of healing whatever issues arise, so that I can fully embrace myself without getting upset, standing up and getting back down.  Declaring my power and then feeling like I’m doing something wrong when someone feels uncomfortable by it. 

I was watching the politician on Netflix and there are many themes that I enjoy that are very relevant today. Themes like depression, power, female power, mental health, changing systemic problems that were handed down from older generations. The problem is I want all the healing now. I want to be perfect now, and that is part of the problem.

I get so confused because I hear you have to be perfect but that imperfection is key, authentic but powerful, strong female, but sensitive. It is all very difficult but a delicate balance… a fine line… for sure. 

Themes of the week: using any tension you feel to model a new example for people. To elevate. To inspire what is possible. That is the way to lead you out of the natural tension that arises when women lead. 

My latest picture - 12.4. Days before my 30th Birthday. The most myself that I've ever been since I was 5. Genuinely energized.

The world is mine

The world is my oyster.

Captains log.. December 1st 2019.

Something happened today. As I was doing my morning exercise, which is routinely followed by me punching a pillow, sometimes screaming, saying words that help me express my anger. Then, followed by a breakdown cry. Sometimes tears flow, sometimes they don’t. It’s always a better feeling when they do. Then, I emerge..lighter…happier..healthier.

During my breakdown cries I try to let the feelings flow through me. I’ve learned that all of our emotions are located in the subconscious. They do not need me to think about them to activate them. This process is purely allowing. The memories, insults, embarrassment, hurt, are also stored in the body as well. So, explains why it was such a phenomenon to dance in public. Or, show any animated displays of emotion.

There are different layers too. When I first started crying and punching the pillow I was scrapping the surface of my defining moments, moments that I stored up that made me feel unworthy, messages I believed and internalized as the truth. I always wondered when I was going to get to the point where I could cry for myself. I still felt like I wasn’t a person almost. I didn’t see the innocence for my little girl. I didn’t feel sorry for the way I was mistreated and mistreated myself.

Today I had a real and genuine cry. Those are hard to come by. I fell to my knees with a tissue in my hand, and felt the hurt. I cried like I was a little girl, I cried for me. I cried because I was hurt. Not for anybody else. Not for my mom, my friends, my family. I cried for me.

And you know what?

When I got up from my knees this time. I felt a little more ME.

A little MORE BOLD. A little MORE POWERFUL. A little MORE NOT SORRY. A LITTLE MORE STRONGER AND A LITTLE MORE VOCAL.

Sitting on the bus heading to the next stop, listening to a jam, i felt like getting up and dancing. I felt like saying everybody wake up! And I am becoming less and less afraid of being myself.

Proof is in the pudding. That these internal barriers are blinders to my true self. Every incident that has happened since these defining moments in my life when I was a toddler, where I made decisions about my world and how I perceived it has been built off of those moments. They aren’t true moments. And I am ready for some life-changing, world-hugging, adventurers brave soul-hugging moments. I am ready to take on the world. The world as my friend, not as my foe.

The puppeteer and the puppet

I have had several realizations over today.

  1. I realized that I was not living my life with clear eyes. I was waking up, and living my life, smiling and talking to people but I wasn’t alive. I wasn’t living. The therapy that I’ve been engaged in has chipped away at my perception with was seen through the eyes of the child in me. Reality was distorted by my experiences. I was tunneled visioned-based on the rules of my parents. I took my parents rules and was bonded to them throughout my entire 20s. I wasn’t even conscious that something like this could happen. But since experiencing the awakening of removing these rose-colored glasses and seeing that I was essentially drugged. I feel like I am somewhat in the matrix. Where people are living in radically different worlds, but I’m wonder how I can free myself. How can I get out of this personal hell that I am in. And the answer was to look inside of myself and wake up. Stop taking the “drugs.” Stop buying the messages. Stop buying the belief systems. And reclaim my divinity. My power. My individuality. But first negative conditioning needs to be totally cleared.
  2. I am not one to bash any parents. In fact up until two months ago I thought I had a happy childhood. I certainly was take care of. But the messages and signals I took in only told me that I was worthless, ugly, that other people were better than me, and to compare myself. The messages I received told me I was bad or troubled. When I never was. Those were never my problems, but the problems of someone else who did not take care of their childhood and inner baggage. I was just the projection board. But now I am working through these issues and I am getting angry and I am releasing that anger. I am feeling love and joy and openness. And with that I can forgive. I can fully sever the bond that was holding me back. The mysterious force that won’t let me shine. I can own my power. I can own my mind, totally, fully, completely. This is the process of waking up.
  3. Today, the moment came where I fully saw that this inner work is absolutely necessary to free myself. And that I was living a drugged life. I was not living as myself. I cannot stress these words. The real me was buried deep within the messages I received from my mother and father and what they told me and their beliefs. I consistently received outer validation and circumstances that aligned with this drugged perspective that I was living. I set the bar too long. I constantly asked myself what is wrong with me? But I need to do the inner work to remember who I am. This disconnect between me and my inner child is why I was so physically uncomfortable and unable to let my bright light shine. My inner child was content with the love that it received. Even if, ignorantly, that love wasn’t unconditional. Because my mother never fully healed herself and became whole.
  4. I talked to my mother today felt all of the traits that I am trying to sever. The need to prove myself, the need to work myself to the bone to receive love and affection, The feeling of worthlessness, the internal feelings all came up. The pupeteer and the puppet. Except now the puppet is severing the strings to individuate. I want to use my own mouth, my own thoughts, and live my purpose. And I am almost there.
Gabriella DiDio let yourself shine

The path to leadership gets rocky…

Before I was excited and a little naïve about this project.

But now I do feel the path has become rocky.

I kind of feel that my survival depends on me being nice. And it frustrates me.

And I start to feel like I am running against a steel wall. Who do I think I am to take on a task this large? But at the same time, I know that what I need to do is help myself become the leader not change the world. It feels like I have no one to turn to.

Do I go back to the people who have shot me down? People do not cooperate when I am being the most intense version of myself.

If I ask more than one question in a crowd, which I find to be really scary to do, I get shut down. It happened earlier this week when I pushed myself to ask two questions in a public setting. No one else was and the presenter kept asking everyone to ask questions. I asked my second question and he said we will cover it another time. So I was embarrassed the rest of the time.

It’s more like a mixture of embarrassment, a little bitterness/resentment, a little excitement, and gratitude. I want to be the voice of the crowd. I’ve seen how empowering it is when one person (particularly a person that I can see myself in) is brave enough to keep going, to keep asking questions or saying statements.

But it is SO DANGEROUS for the person in the fire. What is at stake? Right now, it feels like my relationships, my money to be able to pay rent, my reputation, I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to be seen as the angry woman that this kind of path can make a person.

In crowds, once I know that I’ve hit annoyance, anger, jealously, those are when I know I’m doing something right. Then I know you’ve got to walk through those feelings and that’s where I’ve always gotten off of the path. It’s been too scary to upset people. I’m more of a feeler by nature and feeling those feelings emitting from people makes my mind run wild with stories and …as you can see I don’t get very far before I’m crying into the phone talking to my friend Scarlet. Or worse.. I quit.

Last month, someone told me that I need skills to handle those situations when they come up. And I can’t believe how right they are.

Return your keys

This week I was told to “Return my keys” not the first time I’ve heard that from the dog walking manager.

In dog walking language that means “you’re fired.”

I know this is a result of my behavior change. A little scared and hesitant to keep being strong and direct. This is where I started to stop years ago when I was in a leadership role at an insurance company,

When I start to get wounded. Then I retreat to niceness as a way to keep the peace. Feels like I’m forcing myself to be really nice but that’s not how I want to be.