Leaning on others for support, wanting to be the “bread winner” but always feeling like a burden, being independent in speech only but not in financials. Needing other people’s emotional support and relying on them to save me.
This is what dependent looks like.
Being dependent is not simply reserved for those who lack financial abundance. And being dependent to me, is not about the typical co-dependent personality. I preached that I was independent because I lived alone, didn’t rely on a mate for financial things, and had a certain level of pride about this. But the fact was that I was still dependent on a couple different levels that I was extremely unaware of.
What’s Love Got to Do With It?
When I did meet a mate, someone that could join me on my journey and make it more fun, I almost made a huge mistake. I almost packed my bags to move in with him in Europe. We were imaging how it would look, and of course we discussed splitting the bills.
Anyone who builds a business, knows that it is challenging on all levels and beyond. And because I had been struggling financially, I welcomed the chance to be relieved of my financial troubles. Except something in the background didn’t feel right.
I mean isn’t this just the natural progression of life, right? I thought. My favorite couples on Youtube moved in with each other and they are thriving, right?!?! But, for some reason it felt to me like I was packing up and running away from my problems.
It wasn’t until I told my mom the date I had set to move to Europe.
Dreaming about how much money I would get to save splitting rent with someone, that she had some wise advice.
She told me that this was not a good idea, because if I was financially not making what I wanted, then that would be the first thing that comes up in the relationship. And it was there that I truly understood, that I was not moving with the natural flow of life, but instead trading in my freedom, and the chance to build my life on my terms, for a life of emotional and physical dependence.
I would not have the freedom I wanted, because my financial situation would be in the hands of someone else, at least partially. And I would still be abdicating my fate to someone else. Me and my boyfriend to be, would be together because we needed each other not because we wanted to.
And I wondered, when else was I relying on someone to save me? Someone with a net to catch me when I had fallen? I was still relying on my parents as well, to give me stuff, when I had failed to earn it to myself.
What kind of messages am I believing?
Naturally when I looked deep into my subconscious I found 3 instances where I was taught or saw that being confidence and relying on myself was manly. Needless to say I was in a sense taught to be dependent because it was more dainty and feminine. And while I wanted to help and save myself and others, I just couldn’t. For one these images were holding me back.
Here are some signs where I realized I was being Dependent when I wanted to be Independent
1. I relied on my family to save you or as a safety net
2. I almost! depended on a significant other financially, and to split a living situation while I was still building a business
3. I believed that someone will come and whisk me away from the struggle, pain and suffering and rescue me, just like Prince Charming
When I realized that the life I create and design is all on me, I realized I don’t have the time to waste anymore. If I let myself lean on someone else then I would be putting myself in a prision of some sorts. Especially after I have children. It is my dream to be able to support myself, and never have to rely on a significant other, especially if I needed to walk away from a situation.
I have built up my independence in the areas that I lacked by
1. Zoning in on monetary assets and planning for the future
I know what kind of lifestyle I want to have for myself, and so I am planning for that now, knowing how much I need to live a comfortable lifestyle on my own put me in the drivers seat of my life. And even going a step further as to plan out what my dream life would look like.
2. Delaying gratification
Sure it feels great in the short term to have someone to cuddle up next to. But before long all that cuddling leads to dropped dreams and codependency. I have put a relationship on hold to be able to work on myself, and have a lifestyle that I want.
3. Becoming super serious about the work I do and relentlessly pressuring it!