Today is the first day that I really was about to cry regarding my business. I would say it was the closest to tears i’ve come. there was only one there time but i can’t remember it now.
To me, this is how i know how important cultivating this business is for me.
Tibor, who is my boyfriend, seems to be having no trouble having buyers for his podcast program. And for me, it seems that i have to scrape buy. even sometimes fast, and go with out food. i mean the desk i am working on isn’t even up to par. And it is just frustrating when i feel i am at my breaking point. i have been so tired these last few days and feel that i have lost direction, but i also feel that i am so close, so so close to someone exchanging actual money in exchange for my help. Yesterday i had an RTT schedule that was supposed to free me of additional blocks around money, because i feel that there is more in my head to be unleashed. but the girl was in china and the connection wasn’t working. I feel that i am scrapping things together and i am climbing up this hard mountain but tibor just skips up it, like it is easier for him to get his rankings in the top podcast on iTunes in germany and austria and for me, i am putting all of my damn effort into ding facebook lives, and writing these posts, and it feels like nobody comes. i am tired. and i also feel this powerful breaking inside of me, that is taking me to the next level. i am glad that i woke up to this reality.
I always remember that on the show Southern Charm, this one woman said that when women find the guy they like they decide it’s time to play house, and forget all about their career. i think, that as i literally wrote yesterday, plans for Tibor to come with me to Seattle, I was getting lost in that daydream. And forgetting all abut what will truly fulfill me which is a healthy and good financial statement from my thriving business.
Lately, i have been so tired, even tired to move on. I have been asking myself how can i get the energy to go on? But i have been having powerful dreams lately. where i don’t even remember what happened, i think in one marisa peer was there and she’s naked. and that is power in vulnerability. but the dreams have been leaving me with a wonderful healing sensation. i have noticed it for the past two days it has happened because i am conscious of this wonderful healing floating feeling. it’s strong and it’s sensational, and it gives me power. it makes me recognize how powerful i truly am. and it shows me the future too. it shows me my potential and my potential for the future of me. and it shows me it’s time to uplevel my look.
There is a quote i saw that today that said “the temptation to want to quit will be the greatest right before you are about to succeed” i feel that i am about to succeed but i also feel sad and angry that it comes too easily to tibor, so there you go…. will update soon.
A couple things are helping me through this time:
- knowing that i have a coach that gives me support and collaboration and more strength
- feeling that it is time to go all in. to really give it everything that i’ve got. to make plans. to dig deep. and give it all my strength and see what happens
- that i am responsible for my own financial fulfillment! 😀
UPDATE: 7:30 PM
Well folks the day was a bumpy roller coaster ride. After I finished writing this post, I still had more anger that unleashed itself. and I started crying a lot because i felt defeated by the fact that it felt so difficult to earn money in my business. i had not even earned 100$ yet, and i said i had starved on multiple occasions, had to walk all these dogs, borrowed money from my parents, and this has been going on for almost 3 years now. When will it end?
I got into a fight with Tibor, which is honestly no fault of his own. what did Tibor do? He is just being successful, and i lashed out at him. Shouldn’t i be happy?
Well, i showed a bad side of myself, and was really angry. And of course said some things i regret. i didn’t handle myself the way i wanted. and this toxic feeling continued to spew over even in my coaching session with my business coach today. Luckily, we uncovered in this session that i am not open to receiving money, as i said that if someone tried to give me money for my service i would say no thank you. and i am also putting such a huge emphasis on money too. making it holier than thou, and like something i can’t possibly have or is out of my league. just acknowledging this out loud has created a shift for me. and i am also focusing on one thing at a time now which is doing Facebook Lives to promote my business. i am putting my podcast on pause for a moment until i can churn a profit. Friends, I feel i am close, just didn’t know i have so many things to heal :D/ and now you can see that whatever point i am in today in my business. it wasn’t always like this :D.