This is it folks. The moment I fall into Taylor Swifts Technicolor world, full of cats, puffy clouds and fun.
The themes for last week are Taylor Swift,Fun, Puffy Clouds, Lighten Up, Good Bye Depression, Coming out of Depression, Steps to take back my power, and going against patterns if it feels scary.
The Room Situation…a clue to my inner world?
After weeks of laying in a messy almost unbearable apartment, with a stench, followed by self-depricating thoughts of “if I cared more about myself I would clean.” I literally couldn’t bring myself to clean the apartment. I would lay on the hard spring mattress which I put a yoga mat over and a trench coat. The springs would dig into my ovaries. It hurt….
Dishes in the sink…..
No matter how much I tried to care and clean up I was locked in to not clean.
I made small improvements like calling a cleaning service to come at the end of January to deep clean my apartment. It needs it, in the 5 years that I’ve lived in I’ve never deep cleaned. Just surface level. So this isn’t a luxury it is a health necessasity.
This week I’ve made small daily improvements, It’s all I could do. Just now, I’ve cleaned up all the paper and trash that I’ve had just laying around.
Papers, scaps, receipts, wrappers, pens on the floor, tons of junk mail, scribbles on paper of the same future plans over and over again. It’s all got to go. To make room for new growth. It’s a reflection somewhere in my psyche of how I feel about myself, how I was raised to treat myself. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a situation like this.
I am going to redecorate my apartment. So far I didn’t even decorate it. I never let myself have the joy to decorate and live in a comfortable apartment. I basically lived in a depraved state, not allowing myself comfort.
But now I want my life full of color. I want fluffy furry comfort. And plants. Lots of plants. And love. And a desk. And those cool white bowls. Dreaming of decorating my apartment is special. Because I’m trusting myself to do it, to pick out what I want. It’s an act of love.
Living in the darkness is not fun. Living in messy, depression, anger, coldness, lack of love and care is not how I am meant to live.
It stifles creativity, it stifles wonder, it stifles fun, and moments, and joy. What I’ve learned through all of this is it’s definitely much better to be not depressed than to be depressed. I’ve also learned that I wasn’t going to change until I was ready. Until the moment that everything aligned. My thoughts, my daily experiences, my projects, the life path I was on. Maybe there is something to trusting divine timing. Maybe instead of wishing I learned all of this at 22, I should trust for once that I am on the right path. Even if it is at 30.
So for now I am going to draw up vibes and plans for my new apartment. I will keep you posted. Where are you at in your journey to unravel yourself?