I’ve had a really big realization this morning while I was half-awake, half-dreaming dreaming about an incident that happened when I was a small child. I was a pretty hyper/creative child bursting with energy. And one day my dad locked me in my room and in the dark. Now, my dad and I have a really good relationship. And he is very sweet and well-meaning. I don’t hold anything against him now.
But back then, It was a very scary experience for me. And I still feel that I am wounded from it. I can feel the wounded energy that echos out from under me, deep, deep, deep down inside of me. It almost feels like an echo of Gab coming from inside of my gut.
But how does this coincide with me today?
Well, more noticbly last year I’ve noticed that I run after people to try to get love and attention. Especially the past two years really, it feels like I always have to put in the effort. In every area of my life, in my business, to make contacts, to make friends, to potentially say I’m interested in someone. And it’s not normal that I have to do ALL the leg work.
Now, I want people to want to reach out to me. I want to be around people who want to be around me. I don’t want to chase after others and demand that they give me love and attention when they don’t want to. It has nothing to do with whether they want to give me love and or attention with their conversation. It has to do with my responsibility to myself and for my life. Who Do I want In My Life?
What is it that I ultimately want from these warm bodies? Love. The love that I didn’t get from either parent. And because I just healed as much as I needed to from my mom’s parenting. Then, in my body I feel that this issue is caused by my male energy or parenting from my dad’s side.
I have to ask myself, do I think that this is love? This is my normal. Nudging people along in conversation. Pulling and being a tug on people to engage with me.
This morning I lay in bed and realize that I am doing this. I realize that I am better than this. And I finally take my needs into consideration. I don’t want to hold these people like a conversation hostage.
I can link my desire to just have random and long conversation but empty conversation with someone back to my mom. When I was little she would spend hours talking on the phone in the morning to her friend Pat in New York.
I have been needing a crutch to talk to. To fill in this missing piece. The doughnut hole in the center of my heart that is missing. That needs to be filled. It needs to be filled with love. But it can’t be filled with love from an outside source. AS I’ve mentioned before that will never be satisfying. It needs to be filled with love from the inside, and healing to whatever caused the hole in the first place.
I’ve asked myself a few questions this morning while laying in bed:
Question: DO I want to talk to these people deep down inside?
Are they really the kind of people I can see myself being friends with?
If I am honest with myself, are these people interesting to me?
What is that I want in a friend? What is it that I would enjoy and want to do that is fun?
A New Development… Taking Back Responsibility of My Life
My life is on me.
I’ve decided that I will enjoy myself. I’ve always hated when people tell me to enjoy myself because how can I? It’s so boring just being by yourself, you obviously need people to be happy… duh… But this is where I’m at right now.
So, once a week I will do one FUN thing and enjoy myself. And hopefully that will send a trickle effect out into the universe to help me attract more love into my life.
This week: I am gonna tackle the Seattle Big Wheel! I am so excited. Maybe I will even stop at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory after. 😉