All this time I’ve been searching for my aliveness. The aliveness that I had when I was a little girl. It seems like my 20s were just full of depression. When do we get to the good part? I realized if I didn’t do some serious internal work I wouldn’t get to the good part for a while.. maybe even 40s. Gasp.
I’ve always had a problem feeling. I suspect that is why others seemed in the zone and good things were coming to them. While I felt left high and dry. No magical flow this way. I just always seemed to miss the mark when friends needed a shoulder to cry on. And dismissed it as “I’m just not that kind of person who friends talk to about deeply personal matters.”
But what I’ve found is that we are all capable of that aliveness and at the end of the day sweet vulnerability. Which has been such a enigma to me all these years, until now. I understand that “asking for help” is strong. But I never understood it in my body, or let that concept sink into my body. To truly understand it. I think a lot of my energy was coming from my brain and it really needs to emit from two places. My brain and my body. I think that is how one can become perfectly in sync and in harmony with the universe and people. It is the driving factor to attraction. To a full life. At least that is what I’ve learned up to this point.
I figure that aliveness means something different for everyone. It is like looking through a different window. Everyone has a different angle that applies to their own reality. To me, Aliveness is waking up to one’s self. It is waking up to the individuality that is me. To have my own opinions. To say, “How does this situation work for me?” To feel, to experience life, to enjoy the moment, to not always have to be so perfect. To not always have to analyze everything. Rather to figuratively and literally let my hair down. To feel myself in my body. To enjoy all the pleasure that life has to offer in my body and in my mind. To not always think about the moment. But to live in the moment. That is what aliveness means to me right now. It definitely has a lot to do with imperfections, because within every interaction I am always thinking about my interactions. I think I need an experience to teach me not to worry about it so much. I think that will be the best thing to clear any need to latch onto the thought of my imperfections.
I think when we are open to experiencing life. To sensing life. That is when we can allow the flow of our own energy, and our own aliveness to come through to us.