The world is my oyster.
Captains log.. December 1st 2019.
Something happened today. As I was doing my morning exercise, which is routinely followed by me punching a pillow, sometimes screaming, saying words that help me express my anger. Then, followed by a breakdown cry. Sometimes tears flow, sometimes they don’t. It’s always a better feeling when they do. Then, I emerge..lighter…happier..healthier.
During my breakdown cries I try to let the feelings flow through me. I’ve learned that all of our emotions are located in the subconscious. They do not need me to think about them to activate them. This process is purely allowing. The memories, insults, embarrassment, hurt, are also stored in the body as well. So, explains why it was such a phenomenon to dance in public. Or, show any animated displays of emotion.
There are different layers too. When I first started crying and punching the pillow I was scrapping the surface of my defining moments, moments that I stored up that made me feel unworthy, messages I believed and internalized as the truth. I always wondered when I was going to get to the point where I could cry for myself. I still felt like I wasn’t a person almost. I didn’t see the innocence for my little girl. I didn’t feel sorry for the way I was mistreated and mistreated myself.
Today I had a real and genuine cry. Those are hard to come by. I fell to my knees with a tissue in my hand, and felt the hurt. I cried like I was a little girl, I cried for me. I cried because I was hurt. Not for anybody else. Not for my mom, my friends, my family. I cried for me.
And you know what?
When I got up from my knees this time. I felt a little more ME.
A little MORE BOLD. A little MORE POWERFUL. A little MORE NOT SORRY. A LITTLE MORE STRONGER AND A LITTLE MORE VOCAL.
Sitting on the bus heading to the next stop, listening to a jam, i felt like getting up and dancing. I felt like saying everybody wake up! And I am becoming less and less afraid of being myself.
Proof is in the pudding. That these internal barriers are blinders to my true self. Every incident that has happened since these defining moments in my life when I was a toddler, where I made decisions about my world and how I perceived it has been built off of those moments. They aren’t true moments. And I am ready for some life-changing, world-hugging, adventurers brave soul-hugging moments. I am ready to take on the world. The world as my friend, not as my foe.