I have had several realizations over today.
- I realized that I was not living my life with clear eyes. I was waking up, and living my life, smiling and talking to people but I wasn’t alive. I wasn’t living. The therapy that I’ve been engaged in has chipped away at my perception with was seen through the eyes of the child in me. Reality was distorted by my experiences. I was tunneled visioned-based on the rules of my parents. I took my parents rules and was bonded to them throughout my entire 20s. I wasn’t even conscious that something like this could happen. But since experiencing the awakening of removing these rose-colored glasses and seeing that I was essentially drugged. I feel like I am somewhat in the matrix. Where people are living in radically different worlds, but I’m wonder how I can free myself. How can I get out of this personal hell that I am in. And the answer was to look inside of myself and wake up. Stop taking the “drugs.” Stop buying the messages. Stop buying the belief systems. And reclaim my divinity. My power. My individuality. But first negative conditioning needs to be totally cleared.
- I am not one to bash any parents. In fact up until two months ago I thought I had a happy childhood. I certainly was take care of. But the messages and signals I took in only told me that I was worthless, ugly, that other people were better than me, and to compare myself. The messages I received told me I was bad or troubled. When I never was. Those were never my problems, but the problems of someone else who did not take care of their childhood and inner baggage. I was just the projection board. But now I am working through these issues and I am getting angry and I am releasing that anger. I am feeling love and joy and openness. And with that I can forgive. I can fully sever the bond that was holding me back. The mysterious force that won’t let me shine. I can own my power. I can own my mind, totally, fully, completely. This is the process of waking up.
- Today, the moment came where I fully saw that this inner work is absolutely necessary to free myself. And that I was living a drugged life. I was not living as myself. I cannot stress these words. The real me was buried deep within the messages I received from my mother and father and what they told me and their beliefs. I consistently received outer validation and circumstances that aligned with this drugged perspective that I was living. I set the bar too long. I constantly asked myself what is wrong with me? But I need to do the inner work to remember who I am. This disconnect between me and my inner child is why I was so physically uncomfortable and unable to let my bright light shine. My inner child was content with the love that it received. Even if, ignorantly, that love wasn’t unconditional. Because my mother never fully healed herself and became whole.
- I talked to my mother today felt all of the traits that I am trying to sever. The need to prove myself, the need to work myself to the bone to receive love and affection, The feeling of worthlessness, the internal feelings all came up. The pupeteer and the puppet. Except now the puppet is severing the strings to individuate. I want to use my own mouth, my own thoughts, and live my purpose. And I am almost there.