i let this guy start telling me about deadlines and being punctual even though i know that i am always punctual, i didn’t say anything because when i usually did in the past it got me fired. but this time i really felt like i betrayed myself and was hiding behind the false mask. i probably am more aware than he is about time but since he could freely say it and try to teach me the lesson he made it seemed like he wrote the rules. i can connect this even from my past, when my mom told me “it’s fun bossing me around.” since then i may have been conditioned to let people boss me around, not stand up for myself ike i should, and abandon myself little by little. each day that i work on myself these new realizations and insights occur. the old me falls away, and transforms chip-by-chip. Of course it is not without the rough turbulence of anger and frustration for letting myself be treated this way for so long. good thing i have a pillow to bang on.
This is tough terrain, to navigate the slippery slope of being in touch with your authentic feelings and not compromising your own power. I could easily confuse the two.