It is amazing how much rings true when they say your inner world and outer world are a reflection of each other. I always heard that saying and kind of hated it. Because of I thought I understood it. Now as I discover memories hidden beneath the rubble of my mind. Long forgotten but still holding an electric charge, like a magnet in my mind attracting and repelling different people, places and things into my life.
As I continue to heal my life and become more aware of moments in my early child hood that caused me pain. For example, one time when I was 7 when my mom said I was ugly. At that time my only friend was a quasi moto – from the Hunchback of Notre Dame doll that I got from McDonalds or Burger King. I remember feeling a special sense of closeness with Quasi because he was ugly as I thought I was too. What a shame for a kid to even think that.
I’ve always struggled with my physical appearance. Not really understanding what my outer appearance truly looks like and instead appreciating it. I only see through the lense of my past experiences, my mom getting angry at me, feelings of worthlessness, feeling not pretty enough.
These present moments and feelings all have a root. And that root and connection is my childhood. There are layers upon layers, heaps of memories that I had forgotten I even experienced but have effected me in profound ways. And the scariest part is that they don’t stop affecting me until they are fully resolved. Which means to acknowledge, morn them, and move on.
The amazing thing is that once you do that, you begin to attract more of what you do want in your life effortlessly. You regain the youthfulness, vitality, and joy of when you were a little kid.
The feeling of healing myself is a huge reward. The feeling of watching these memories come up. And noticing the uncomfortable space that they occupy in my body is so very satisfying. They crumble easily after they are acknowledged. Similar to the game candy crush. ;).