Insights leads to london bridges falling down. I am becoming more brave at diving into my feelings. After venture into the pain one time I see it isn’t so bad. Although I am still apprehensive. I note that it is the barrier of fear that blocks the actual feeling (betrayal, sadness, feeling not good enough) that is the most scary. It is the fear of pain, the illusion that I won’t be able to handle the overload of pain or loss once I dip my toe into the feeling.
It is so interesting to experience this process of healing. A good deep cry triggers past memories, I see myself as a small child and think how could I possibly do this to her? How could I think she was so worthless, so unlovable and compare this innocent being to others. Her light is bright and yet she dims it because someone told her she wasn’t enough over and over.
The journey intensities and takes me to new levels of healing. It is surely an unraveling of my mental journey that got me to this point in life. I fall back into the past and see memories float up and things make sense. Things that my mom told me, things that I believed, experiences of when she was highly critical of me and my smile. No wonder I have intense insecurity around my smile today, when all I heard was “why do you smile like that?” Or that my one tooth is a handicap tooth, or even because she was so insecure about her own smile that she passed that on to me.
As the lense of my perception sharpens a little bit more each day, I see the real truth of the world. I see that I was operating from such a low level of esteem and respect for myself. I joke and say that my starting point is feeling like a worthless piece of shit and when I feel that I truly love myself I will say it. Right now I feel that I am “alright”. That is my marker.
It is amazing how the insight after insight crumbles and more of the apparatus that is keeping my insecurities in place falls each day. It is a feeling that truly crumbles. As the whole thing is built on negative experiences. I thought I was seeing clearly but in reality I had thick foggy glasses on that only allowed me to see myself and situations through those negative experiences.
It is amazing the clarity, the lightness, the spontaneity that I feel once I remove those negative and thick goggles.