Each time I think I am done with the work of going deep into my emotions, I am caught by the “happy” surprise that I still can go deeper and get to a higher level of being. As I mentioned I am not operating at a high enough level of myself personally. I am not shining when hidden behind the gruff of my subconscious still lies feelings of worthlessness, feeling that I deserved the punishment I got in my childhood. It is difficult for me to get really mad at my mom. Because in some respect I feel like I am betraying her. The only way that I can heal is if I do face the scary and unknown feelings of my past that are locked away in my subconscious. Once I allow myself to relax and really know that nothing I experienced in childhood was my fault. That is when the true healing will occur. Once I allow myself to face the pain to feel the sadness and to genuinely cry it out for myself. Then the process to healing will be quick, I’m told. But right now I am frustrated because I am in limbo. I am trying to REALIZE that I did not deserve to be smacked across the face when I was 5 just for being a little bit too energetic. I am trying to excuse away my mother’s behavior in an effort to let her off the hook. But what it is doing for me is delaying the healing process. I wish I could truly realize that I am special. That it IS NOT my fault. And let myself off the hook. Then I maybe I could enjoy myself more. Enjoy the beauty of life. Little things I would love to enjoy, but I constantly punish myself in my mind. Tealights at the Seattle Center, wearing shorts in the summer, wearing sunglasses, swimming. All these little pleasures are obscured by my feelings of worthlessness. I can’t even enjoy the pretty little tealights that are being strung from the Seattle Center because each time I look at it I am haunted by the memory of when a guy that I loved left me for a girl that had tealights strung on her balcony. I know because I looked at her instagram. Each time I try to free myself I can’t. The knife gets wedged in deeper and deeper to my heart. What will it take to allow me to let myself off the hook? To allow the little girl that is Gabriella to know that it was not her fault. To value herself. So that she doesn’t repeat any sick cycles that she is currently unaware of in her family tree. I am not my family history. I am a new and bright chapter. What will it take to trigger my realization?
I try and try to make myself cry for myself. But I come up empty. It is so frustrating. It is like I am saying that I deserved this. And then I think how long can I live life this? I am already almost 30, shouldn’t I have this sorted out. Will I ever have it sorted out? Am I the only one with a messed up family? Is my family condition worse or better than everyone elses? And why can’t I just RELEASE!. Why me?. But I’ve got to keep going. I am commited to this journey and I know that I will come out successful.