I am writing this post after I’ve had a good deep cry. The kind of cries that don’t happen often. Where your body lets go, you stop thinking for just one second and cry, and you let the images from your subconscious flood your mind.
I’ll admit I’ve had a lot of trouble just “crying”. It’s been hard for me because I have been avoiding the pain. Yes, I will cry and make sobbing noises but there were not that many tears. And I still winced when I saw things on TV that reminded me of sore subjects. For example when I saw two young people making out it reminded me of the time I was betrayed by someone I loved and found out he made out with another girl. I had been too scared to embrace that pain. It felt scary. It felt all consuming. So murky and dark, and like a place I would die in eternal agony. If I went to that place and allowed myself to stop thinking and just FEEL, FEEL how badly I felt, feel the betrayal, feel the sorrow and pit in my stomach when I found out about the betrayl it would surely kill me. It would surely eat me alive. But I kept trying to ease into it. Knowing that I am in control of my own situation and I can allow myself to go as deep as I want.
Well the timing was right with the movie Manchester by the sea. I had many mini cries up to that point but the tears were constricted. Until finally that scene came on and I cried. And then real tears came out. And then memories came out, about all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough, in high school, at prom, from childhood, the memories were more in control than my rational mind i just stood there and observed what was happening. I saw myself as a 6 year old girl and suddenly felt so careless, how could i treat that 6 year old girl like she was a worthless piece of shit? That innocent six year old who did nothing wrong and was so happy and expressive. How could I do this to her? The words came through my head ” all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough. For all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough.” And the tears flowed. And I made loud noises and thought my neighbor might hear.
Surprinsly once I walked through the initial fear of feelings that pain, the actual pain and betrayal was not hard to handle. It felt cathartic to get in there to deeply release those chords of pain. To release the pressure and charge I was feeling because of it. An afterwards my mind said “go on your phone to. let’s move on to something else. Let’s continue to numb.” But i resisted and just laid on my bed. And felt the throbbing dull ache of the new space I had created. The pressure I lifted off my heart. I feel accomplished, for I know I am once step closer to being the woman I truly am. No one said It would be easy!