If I hadn’t been on this journey to let myself shine, I most certainly would never have entered any kind of therapy. Or inquired on the most painful parts that exist inwards. Heck, I would have never even taken the time to move down into my body and begin to experience the pain that exists there.
Lately I have been astounded by the fact that my body has a mind of it’s own. In my dream therapy that I’ve been engaged in and another course I’m working through on the mother wound, I learned that true transformation cannot only be known cognitively, but it must be felt energetically.
For any change to be firm and take hold in you, you must experience it. So I have to experience my pain and own it.
I have made the decision to recently turn away from a relationship that I was deeply involved in. Because mysterious forces were holding me back from loving. All I could think of was him being with another woman. I can’t even picture myself as I am now being someone even MATTER existing with another being. It’s not fair to put my own internal stuff on someone else. I want to come together as a complete and whole individual, or at least mostly whole! I started yelling over social media a few months ago, and I immediately thought I sounded like my mom. Well this is before I started reading how important a mother’s behavior and solidity are for a child. It is massively important and shapes the woman I am today. My mother is literally still in me. I have internalized the messages and behaviors she has. And I want to transform this behavior and become myself! Because I am not my mother, she has raised me but I am my own person. With a well spring of life to live. With my own tastes and likes and loves. And that is something really inspiring to find and it is worth fighting for. To be my own person!
There was some resources in the book I am reading called “Mother’s Who Can’t Love.” And at the end of checking some of these boxes next to phrases that you think your mother has said to you or you felt from her. I checked a lot of the ones that were from the “controlling” mother category, At the end the author, Susan Forward, says that you can see a complete picture of what you believe by looking at the boxes that you checked. I feel like that really helped peel back the layers of me thinking I am awake to life, but really barely being awake to the real drivers controlling my behavior. These foggy glasses that I have been wearing without me noticing need to come OFF. It is so strange thinking that you are in control of your choices when in reality the fears and messages buried deep in your unconscious ARE running the show! Scary.
I don’t want to be run by some piece of programming that isn’t even true. I want it all, success, love, money, happiness. And most of all, I want to love myself.
Before I thought it would be so difficult to love myself. But the more I search the more I uncover. The more I see that I am closer to being the woman I envision myself as.