Underground sickness

you think the sickness is gone. for me it is scrolling through instagram and comparing myself. the temptation will spark and i engage in a very painful pattern that is warped. everyone has a different issue or sickness. i thought mine disappeared. i was happy for a few days – even a couple weeks. i accepted myself or so i thought. but because i had not directly dealt with the issue i was able to be lured back into this pattern. and if i don’t directly deal with the feelings behind the issue, then i will cause the pattern to actualize in my life. someone will choose another girl over me again. and because i am now aware of this pattern and these actions that stem from it, it gives me the courage to go deep and feel my pain.

feeling my pain is something that i’ve been avoiding. it jut feels so daughtning, such a downer, and scary… time consuming. it is much easier to push down the feelings because at least i don’t have to deal with them. and what would i get in return? just some mild discomfort? eh, that isn’t so bad. right?

My pain doesn’t go away unless i deal with it head on. unless i feel it and the feelings that go with it. the memories.

if you were previously in emotional pain and then it went away, it didn’t go away for good. just because you feel happy now, those feelings will emerge once again and you will be in pain once again, and the world will work according to those patterns… once again.

i am getting ready to go deep into my pain, into my anger, as scary as it might be, what i am really scared of is losing control.

but now i will surrender and see what comes of it.