I am looking at old pictures and I found this one that I used as the featured image in this post. I never think I look that pretty in the moment. But then when I come back to the picture weeks, months or years later I am able to clearly features and aspects of myself that I think are beautiful. And I think, “I only wish I felt as pretty as I think I looked.” The one thing I always think is, “Do I look Ghetto?” I have no idea where this message has come from. But it’s been around ever since I was in high school. And wore hoop hearings, and I think one of my friends said I look like a “gangster.” A Pity that it’s stayed with me after all these years.
On the bright side, I imagine how good it will feel to finally feel as pretty as I look. To feel like a PRINCESS (it’s not conceited, it’s a right every girl should have 😉 )
I am reading the book Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield who is a psychotherapist. Reading SO many books on psychotherapy at once may not be all that good for the mind. ;). Now I am totally diagnosing myself with worse conditions.
What I’ve learned on this journey is that the dysfunctional patterns that I engage it are pretty mild. It’s mostly a fleeting sense of trust in a guy that I like, and maybe even within myself. (because my mom was super critical and overprotective when I was younger.) And now that transfer in the way I treat intimate relationships. And need to increase my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
But the good news is that with proper questioning, focus, and tools I can change these limiting beliefs! The hard part was actually becoming aware that “yes, I do sound like my mother right now, Gabriella!”
However I know that meeting these beliefs at their belief horizon (the point where the belief ends and a new belief can begin) is necessary for growth. And I definitely want to be my most amazing self!
In order to “level up” I need to own my pain until I can’t feel it anymore. Until it transforms. I’m a voyager on a journey to feel lighter.
One thing that I found interesting is that I’m not alone in my quest to be my true self. While I call it “letting myself shine.” This book shows that pretty much everyone wears a mask.
This book is really good at describing what a False self is and what your Real self is.
The False self is a protective mechanism that we think we have to be like so that other people will like us. I was interested to find that the False self is controlling, jealous, ego-drive. It is a cover-up and the “public self.” To me it feels like a piece of cardboard with my face on it. While mu Real self has boundless energy, is ALIVE, is assertive naturally, is expression and radiant and open to the world, to getting hurt, but also is strong. But the poor real self is buried away and afraid to come out.
The real self sounds amazing, and it is why I feel so uncomfortable acting like my false self. This stupid false self is holding everything up!
The book says that it is estimated that people show their real self for only 15 minutes per day!
Merging Womanly Behavior
This one aspect of myself has always bothered me: I know that I am smart, sophisticated, elegant, quick-witted, but I am not able to access and unearth that part of myself. It is almost impossible to conjure up my true self in social situations. The point where I am smart enough that I can see right through you, confident, secure, when this hurt little girl voice, or this weird people pleasing nature is all that rises out of me!
When I am that person my authentic self my voice is strong, I am in control, I am comfortable and energized. I know exactly what to say, my energy does all the talking for me. I am in the zone, and i know that is the truth of who I am. My real personality. I thought I could never access it because of nice girl conditioning. And while that may be true partly, I know now it is because my mom was a little bit controlling, and critical of me as a girl and teenager. (even though I love my mom!) And also some parts of how women should behave in society, and equally some parts of other things too.
I am firmly confident in the fact that to become a woman you need to dig into how you and your mom interacted and what that dynamic looked like. It is incredible how you are able to rise and “become” yourself even just at the beginning of this exploration.
I believe that healing the rubble and junk that is on top of my real self will help it to come out more. I am doing daily exercises that help me reflect on experiences with my own mother that have haulted me from fulfilling my potential as a person.
I know that feeling all of the emotions that are stored in the body is part of the process of becoming an individual. And when the potent feelings of anger come crawling up the insides of my body I feel relief that I am clearing the way for my inner child to come out and play.
Truth me told I missed her and I know she holds they key to feeling pretty, to being inspiration, to having fun and play time. And to unleashing the woman that I know I am deep down.
Little girl come out and play because I need you to be ok so that I can become a real woman. 😉