I’ve been working on issues that I’ve had regarding my mom. For the longest time I thought that I was as conscious as they come. But I was projecting a lot of trust issues, projecting that “Everyone hates me” and in reality, I could care less about the way I treated myself.
I wasn’t aware that I was enacting negative patterns until someone basically yelled it to me. It was really hard for me to become conscious of my behavior unless someone helped me. And that is when I started to see my actions clearly. And it is when I started to see the importance of working on issues and the importance of discussing childhood and the way our parents raise us.
When I interviewed Rhonda Britten she said something that I couldn’t get out of my head. She said “Most people do have breakdowns (during growth) because when you see the way you’ve been treating yourself you’re going to be sad.”
Some part of me hung onto those words. Even though the overall sense of ME didn’t quite get the meaning of it on an emotional level. I am all about being in my head. But the real work and change happens when you allow yourself to emotionally feel the feelings that are connected to memories, habits, the way you treat yourself in the past .
The simple realization that I was barren happened a couple days ago. I was walking a dog around in the neighborhood and it simply came together.
Theres room for me to love myself.
A few days ago I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t even conscious of it. I knew I wanted to be in love. But I could only give tainted love. Love mixed with fear, jealously, neediness and control. I was willing to put my needs aside, go small, beg and plead for someone to be with me. I didn’t love myself. I fucking hated myself. Look how I’ve always treated myself, not taking proper care physically, forcing myself to look at other girls and think about the person I like being with them over and over again.
That’s not normal. That’s sick. And that is how I treated myself, (especially the picturing the guys I like with other girls, for YEARS.) In fact that is the only kind of “self-love” that I knew. How disgusting.
If you want love in your life (like I do) you have to be ready. Who knew! You have to work on yourself and relationships with yourself even though it may not seem as “fun” as being with someone else are ESSENTIAL if you want the world. The career, the guy, the house, the success, the money. Which I do!
So just like a car that requires gasoline here were my levels a few days ago. Since i’ve made the realization that I have HATED myself (which makes me so sad) I’ve tried to give myself a break, be more comforting to myself in an effort to see things more clearly.
Self-Love (loving self TRULY, feeling worth it, feeling happy with who I am) – 0%
Self-Acceptance – 0%
Here are some ways I was neglecting myself:
Wearing the same clothes EVERYDAY.
Depriving myself of basic essentials such as deodorant, clean clothes (because I had other things to do, or I am “busy”, or “they don’t matter.)
Neglecting to feed my body NUTRITIOUS foods. And just eating whatever to keep moving forward.
“Nourishing” myself with TOXIC energy buy going on Instagram to torture myself with pictures of other girls and picture my crush being with them. (How sad!)
Pushing myself mentally, physically without much down time
Sleeping on a hard bed instead of ordering a comfortable mattress cushion (because it’s just “for me” and chin up! I will tough it out.)
Going a year without a haircut. Because who cares? I have better things to focus on. Just throw it up in a pony tail!
It’s very sad. But it’s not how I am going to treat myself from now on. I am not coming from a place of sheer emptiness and trying to love another when I would sacrifice myself and betray myself over and over. That is not real love. That is sad. When I am in this state everything seems out of reach. My words have an undercurrent of desperation. And it feels like I am totally alone.
A key that has helped me make this crucial relatization is working on the mother wound. I am currently reading the book “Mother’s Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters.” I love my mother. But until we recognize the ways that our mother’s weren’t that great then we will still be stuck being a little girl and never able to make the leap to being a grown woman. That is something I am absolutely sure of.
A colleague is a image consultant and she is offering a really great discount on a style course she offers. So I have decided to plan and get the money ( by working hard!) to invest. The thing I am most excited about is learning my color palette. I have a feeling I am a Spring, but I will keep you posted.
I have learned so much about shining, about myself, and about confidence on this journey. I never would’ve looked inward like this for years to come if I had not decided to start this project.
I thought I was living as myself. But I was only living one small sliver of my humanity. The thing I have learned is that our wounds are doorways and we can transform them into power.
Things I am doing to love myself:
Going to a self-care retreat (thrown by my stylist friend. They have massages there. I’ve never gotten one before.)
Going to get highlights for my 30th birthday. (next month!)
Make a special point to recognize, cherish and celebrate my special day on December 9th. Instead of just saying “who cares. It’s another day.”
Make sure all bills are paid on time.
Make sure my living condition is clean.
Make sure my body is being fed delicious and healthy food.
Work on identifying negative patterns that were never mine to begin with. So I can increase my self love.