Monthly Archives: October 2019

“Feeling too much”

When people say that you should think more and feel less, I believed them. When colleges started to get crazy because s students were believing their feelings, I agreed. I still agree that we shouldn’t react on the basis of feelings.

But i don’t want to include that aspect with actual feeling. I live in a beautiful world of feelings. An for the longest time I thought that was my greatest weakness. I thought it was the reason I quit before i could climb high enough in the corporate ladder.

But I see the world in brush strokes. And I think it is a strength to feel. It is womanly to be a nuturer. To help things grow. And in essence I am owning my own power when I am true to my essential nature rather than trying to contort myself to “be more assertive” or “don’t say sorry or use these other words.”

Right now I am thinking that I will need to turn up the dial on being myself. To own more of my power. And not be afraid of it. Because I have a hunch that when I am fully authentic no one can touch me. Their opinions won’t matter. I’ve already been through the worst of it, tried ways of communicating that have led to pain and lost jobs. What else should I be scared of?

Being authentic and real It isn’t something I need to run from or change. Sure there may be some blocks right now. But they can be removed. And I can actualize my own power. I can accept that I have power within me right now and use it. Instead of seeking approval or validation from outside myself that I am behaving within the way they expect of me.

Being authentic isn’t a threat. It is a God-given right.

What is emotional labor?

Since I am doing the inner work to empower myself. At times I feel I am a bit of an emotional mess. Coming to terms with my flaws. But one other thing that has been new in my life and unusual is the sometimes *desperate* need for support. At times it feels extremely emotionally unstable. Like I am falling and no-one around me wants to help.

So when I do get some human interaction I often feel that I talk or unload on to them. It feels good and I feel better for a little while. But I have wondered if this is really me being “open” to supportive friendships or me just dumping my feelings on to others. It’s really difficult to diagnose because what is friendship if you can’t talk about things? What DO you talk about? Am I allowed to talk about myself?

Everyone is responsible for their own inner work

This is a concept that I have just stumbled across. Prior to reading about it I had not known it was a thing. I agree with it for other people, but it can be difficult to come to terms with myself. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one with “issues.” Trust issues, insecurity issues, difficultly shining. Yet everyone has issues but not everyone is actively working on them. So I give myself a pat on the back.

I am more aware of when I am talking to someone and using them to fill a hole that is in my heart. A need for momentary love and belonging. Like all people need. I want to feel whole and therefore give my expression of love. But I can’t give love that is laced with fear and insecurity. And right now that is all I can live. Desperate love tinged with the fear that one day you are going to leave me. Or that you will discover that I’m not interesting or fun or good as the next person.

Where I draw the line on emotional labor

Ok, one thing I’ve always noticed. Is that as a young person (more so when I was younger) I would reach out to women. And just want a moment of compradore. Or more than that, a moment of understanding. Of kindness. I wanted to be heard and listened to. And acknowledged as a human being. And more often than not after sending emails, I would never hear a response to heartfelt emails or I would literally feel like the person was dangling me by a thread for their love. I would have to work or even be made to feel insignificant by these female role models.

And so maybe it’s a principle I have not learned yet, but I know how important loving kindness is. A moment of it. Responding to an email. Seeing another person as a human being. Not living by “feminist” ideals for once. Making a difference.

So I think that while I will put down my the emotional labor I do. I will definitely think twice about being a dumping ground for stories that are a disguise for not digging into to another inner world. There will be moments at my discretion when I chose kindness. When I chose to respond to an email and uplift someone. Because that is the most important thing for me to do. And I will be sure to let people know the reason I don’t respond is because they need to do their own inner work. Instead of leaving them hanging making them feel like crap.

New Growth, New Haircut

After having an exciting energy shifting session as part of my healing – i was able to release some negative energy that I was holding on to. I had never had an experience like that before. For some time I felt like I was neglecting myself. And since I felt so light afterwards I decided spur of the moment to get a hair cut. I hadn’t had one in a year, or longer. And now that I have cut it I did not realize how bad the before affects were. Part of being empowered is indulging in putting yourself first and loving yourself. it is not a waste of money to care for yourself. And I feel like I can see my progress reflected now that the old locks are cut off.

Verdict: Good decision and made me feel empowered. I just couldn’t take every day getting up and putting my hair that i’ve neglected back in a pony tail. it was almost slave like. until the burden of neglect got so heavy that I just needed to do something about it.

Self love is a part of respecting the gift that is you, filling “your cup” and affirming to yourself that you matter. It is also a great boost when you can look in the mirror and feel pretty and good about yourself. It does add confidence. But when you do the hard inner work, the messy, crying mascara running town your face, feel like you are completely unraveling work, you can put on new clothes and see how much you have grown. You literally do look different, your face is lighter, the expression in your eyes is usually kinder.. or stronger. Wiser for sure. All the pain and sadness and feeling like you don’t measure up. That you are the only one so screwed up in this world work actually ..did something? Yes. So it keeps you going back under water, ready for another try, and holding your breath for what is to come next. Being human is messy.

Inspiration: next stop: new clothes?? soon! Inner work comes first then outer celebration (at least for me)

The Messy Elements of Me

  • Angle – healing yourself, is a messy aspect.

Today I’m feeling very vulnerable. Because I have come face to face with issues that I didn’t realize were mine. Before I started this journey of “Letting Myself Shine” I didn’t actually think about me having issues. I just thought some people were crazy and others weren’t.

The thing about self-discovering and looking inward, is that you are going to become aware of blocks that either you have inherited, or are part of your personality that aren’t perfect. In fact they might be the very thing that is keeping what you want to desperately…. out. They may be the energy that you are holding on to like a sick baby that you can’t bare to part with. Because why? Because it’s safe. It’s all you’ve ever known. But it doesn’t feel good.

I am in this messy process right now. Some days I feel on top of the world. I feel light and like I am making progress and so close to shining. Then other days I feel like I am having a break down. Today is a day I feel especially awkward and vulnerable. I realize the reason I can’t have a relationship is because I am keeping love out.

There is a part of me that desperately wants to be in a relationship. To be loved.

But this other part. is always aware. It’s always vigilant. It’s on a cycle of looking out for danger, keeping me safe. Always worrying about other girls. Always feeling not worthy. Always feeling that at any moment my love is going to be taken from me. It’s this part of me that won’t allow my real self to be shone. Instead all people that try to enter into loving relationships with me will be met by this part of me.

Why your real energy needs to come through

Your real energy, your real you. Or the “real me” in this case needs to come through. As I was laying awake in the middle of the night, having a slight anxiety attack that someone I love was going to leave me for another girl. Spinning around on this wheel, spinning on the same old cycle over and over again. That I have since I was a teenager. I realized that when someone is missed by their absence, others remember them warmly by the nuance of their personality. the way they did this, certain facets of their personality that make them them. Since I am always vigilant about protecting myself, where are my facets. Is it just the energy of anxiety that i leave people with. The worry that they will leave me or that I’m not good enough?

Inspiration:

For me there is no turning back. I like the saying that you have to take one step backwards before you can move forward. I am continuing to look at myself in a way that I hope will result in a better me. A more compassionate, loving, womanly, beautiful me. Yes ,it is messy and heartbreaking to look at yourself. But it is also brave.

The beginning of true self-confidence and shine?

Yesterday I started to notice the absence of something that has been around for a long, long time The absence of self-hatred.

For as long as I can remember I…have hated myself. Everything from the way that I look, to actions that I took, every time I took a risk, I would replay the scene over and over in my head. And the feelings of “who do I think I am?” would come up so strong that I would wince and cringe at my actions.

But yesterday early in the morning when I thought about how I wore a bright orange dress to an event for the simple reason because I wanted to, I waited for self-hatred to strut on into to my mental, emotional and physical state.. but alas, it did not?

No. It was replaced by “Well, what’s wrong with that Gabriella?” “Why couldn’t you wear that dress.” What?!

It was truly a pivotal moment for me. And it caused me to rethink that memory in my mental storage. The absence of self-hatred reillustrated that whole event, opened up new avenues of me looking nice. One time I was condemning myself, to now praising myself for being so courageous, for wanting to look pretty, for daring to be seen.

Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and felt a creeping sense of self-love. I thought, “Yes. I do look pretty today.” And I meant it.

The beginning threads of letting myself shine.

My energy report card – more female or male energy?

I have learned that there are male energy values and female energy values in each of us.

Also the Western culture lives by male energy values as well.

So to some degree many women and men grow up learning to live my these values.

To add an extra layer on top of these, male and female energy values have a negative and positive charge to them.

Some negative traits of male energy values are: competition, winner-takes-all, aggression

Some positive aspects are: self-belief, encouragement, and support

Female negative traits are: ??

Female positive aspects: nurturing, compassionate, loving, feelings, intuition

I learned that my female side is practically dead. And this stems from my mom who in an effort to make me a good kid, accidentally stripped my female side. Thus I have had trouble with self-esteem, loving myself, listening and actually caring about other people. But I had NO problem having self-belief in the aspect of my career, motivation, and a can do attitude.

It is interesting that I learned that leadership works through the female side of things. I always knew I was a leader. I am a leader. It’s a knowing. I had the drive to get me to leadership positions, but I did not have the strength to handle people throwing arrows at me, or on the inside I felt wounded. It would reflect in my voice. It was just a limit of my ability. Even though I had the ability I could not show it off. It was blocked from me. And now I am trying to balance my energy.

Inspiration:

My hopes for balancing my energy while examining some negative aspects of childhood are that I will remove whatever block that is messing up my ability to see myself as I want to be seen. To express my truth and to live more in the flow of things. Feeling really good about myself, and loving myself more.

How it feels to fill myself up with my power (after being powerless)

It feels like my body (emotional and physical) was a dried up prune and now i’ve suddenly been hooked up to an IV of life saving liquid and I am recovering. It feels very expression oriented. Very powerful. Like nothing can diminish my own power unless I let it.

It feels like i am able to dance, sing, express myself, be goofy when before i was stuck, embarrassed, scared to be myself. very controlled. it feels like i have life energy flowing through me. very naturally, very full of energy and lots of it to give. it is an invincible feeling that leaves my previous state to be dead. not living. not powerful. a fraction of what i was meant to live. although it is just beginning. i am not at the full peak yet. i can only see glimpses. To be continued…

The Empowered Emotional Body

As I have been working on opening my heart, it kind of feels like i’m in the emotional ER or hospital.

I am trying to stay in the present moment and learn at every turn from this experience. I feel like my heart is in pain and about to burst open at the seams. I’m a little scared to go to that place. The place where it does burst open. I’m scared because I won’t have the control in that moment and that is a scary thing to let go of.

But regardless it is out of my minds control. My body is responding to the healing and I have a feeling what the time is right my body will let go and cave into the flood of emotions that are waiting to BURST.

Crying happens once or twice during the day as I uncover the beliefs that were never mine to begin with but handed to me at birth.

I have started to discover that even my perceived limitations are not really my limitations. I was seriously blinded even though i thought i could see clearly. i could only feel. For example, I always thought my mom thought I was good, but suspected that I had limitations that my brother could surpass. So i would always think, “yes I’m good and skilled in my life/spiritually to an extend. But my brother HE IS REALLY GOOD. He has the IT factor. I am just his guide or something.”

Well, I realized that what my mom thinks of me is not actually the truth either. It is her limitation and limited beliefs of herself that she has projected onto me. So her perceived limitation of me is her perceived limitation of herself. That was a major BLOCK removed to even start to see myself clearly.

To even know that I can surpass what I thought I could is an amazing feet.

Suddenly I don’t feel scared or timid to use my gifts.

However this is just the start of feeling the empowered emotional body. There are a few things that I have to get used as I have leveled up from a disempowered emotional body to a semi empowered one. It’s definitely a different worldview. And I feel like I can access parts of myself that were blocked off before.

  1. I am now exploring this state. Which means that I am more lenient with myself if i don’t master an interaction or i feel like someone needs to be put in their place, or i feel that i need to act assertively. if i “miss” the shot, sure i feel annoyed but it is more a learning experience to see which way to act is the most effective for both parties.
  2. When someone doesn’t do what i want them to do, or when i speak and someone doesn’t listen to me or imposes their will on me, i’m wondering if i should feel disempowered or empowered because they are trying to help
  3. When people tell me commands, that especially irks me. especially when it is in a sexist way. Like i see that they spoke with respect to a man, but to me they said “you can leave the lights on.” that really pisses me off. it does take my power away. but i want to know how to master it. so i am powerful. i know there is away.
  4. also the empowered emotional state is primary run from the heart and is emotional, it runs on feelings beautiful positive ones. it enlightens the mind. for me comes in really strong but short burst. For example today i felt really confident talking to a leasing agent to get dog walking keys, i was my new super expressive confident self. but as we kept up the conversation, more and more doubt kept creeping in. and i started to get withdrawn. i couldn’t ignite the power i once had and so more work needs to be done.

Inspiration:

Deep, focused work is required for this experiential process. it is deep and profound. and i am just getting started. but it is the freedom that i am seeking. I will continue to work and learn how to master situations. even though it doesn’t feel great when someone tries to take my power, or it is frustrating when people try to talk over me or cut me off, i know that each step gets me closer to the real me, and it is good experience that i am in these situations 🙂