Monthly Archives: September 2019

I got it! The Empowered Mindset

Over the past week I’ve tried to empower myself. And I’ve wondered if I can do it on my own.

Is it a one person job or does it require a boyfriend? Truth be told things were looking a little bleak and I was started to lose strength.

But I wasn’t down for the count yet! Mentally my mind was kicking my ass, and my surroundings (a messy room), a job where I only make enough to pay rent, and it seemed like the universe was on lock down. I remembered the quote “fall 7 times get up 8”

Still nothing, I was doing my empowerment affirmations saying “I matter” “I’m good enough.” “I believe in myself” but I still felt like they weren’t triggering the feeling of empowerment.

But I watched the movie I Feel Pretty and the stars seemed to align. I now know that I am capable reaching above my limited myself into a more empowered space. The premise of the story is a woman not characteristically beautiful but who longs to feel beautiful, falls and hits her head, when she wakes up her body hasn’t changed but her mindset has. She thinks she is the most beautiful, confident person on the planet. And as a result she looks different, more exciting jobs come her way, she attracts guys. That is when I finally “got it”

Inspiration: (Here’s what I learned)

  • I have within me the power to feel powerful and empowered. To really FEEL whatever I want to achieve, to FEEL beautiful. To FEEL powerful and super confident most of the time. But more importantly I learned that I can BE the leader. It is within me.
  • There really is nothing wrong with me! As I’ve been documenting scrambling to find every helpful resource I could to heal me. But my friend was right when she said “You are the only one to make that switch internally.” I doubted her so much because what I thought she was saying was airy-fairy, but I have proof and it’s because I can see with new eyes.
  • The feeling of empowerment means that I don’t have to be anything other than me. I don’t have to feel slighted by others, I don’t have to sound like a man, I don’t have to be more aggressive because I am enough the way I am. Maybe enhance my skillset with a little more leadership coaching. But I am capable just by the virtue of being myself. It’s enough. It’s good enough.
  • I believe that feeling empowered is the beginning step to being a strong, confident leader. It’s the baseline. I repeat there is nothing that you need to do to change yourself. You already are enough! I am enough. I thought to myself, what is it that I want for myself? Success? I can have it all. And then I got scared. And I thought Do I want Success? And my response was HELL YES. I can handle it. I can have anything I want even if I feel limited. I can rise above that limit. IT is possible.

I also had the realization that I don’t need to worry about what a guy that I like is doing. I don’t need to compare myself to another girl or wonder what to do if I am around other women. Because when you have the empowerment mindset, you feel that it makes no impact what the situation is. Because you think so highly of yourself (in a healthy way) it almost keeps them coming back because of how much freedom and lack of worry you put out. Which is an amazing relief!

Additionally, the movie I Feel Pretty has a powerful message. And while it is a looks-based movie, I took the meaning of feeling that you are so awesome and kind of falling in love with yourself. That is something that not a lot of people can do, so when you love yourself, you allow other people to love you. What’s interesting in this movie is everyone around her thinks she’s not the most attractive woman and they make rude comments! But their comments have no impact on her, they just bounce right off.

I finally, finally understand the wise quote “nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” I definitely thought that was just a nice superficial quote for the longest time. lol. But it has some depth and it is profound.

My next steps:

Continue to practice my daily mediation with affirmations, saying “I matter” “I own my power.”I feel powerful.”

Talk back to any negative thoughts I have in an effort to change my schemas

Let my confidence shine through even if people seem to be put off by it (This one is going to be a little difficult already!, but maybe not!)

What does empowered really look like?

Goal for this blog post: is it possible to be empowered on your own? Inspiration

I’ve been thinking lately what does it mean to be empowered. Is it something that I can do on my own? Apprently so. Because I’ve been told that only I can make the internal decision to change my thoughts and empower myself. So, what does that switch look like? How can I access my switch to feel empowered?

My worst fear is that I will get into a relationship when I haven’t fully empowered myself. To me right now that is considered a fail. But I am unsure if I’m thinking of it wrong. Maybe you can’t empower yourself without other people?

What is Empower?

Empowered is more than a look. It is a feeling that other people can feel. It inspires. It arouses some jealously. It’s powerful. It feels like freedom and strength all mixed into one package. People see it when you are empowered. It reflects in your voice, your dress, your facial expressions.

I want to be empowered.

Outside Image and Inside Reality

When I asked someone to describe me in 3 words they said I had a lot of self-belief. And that I was a leader. And it made me really happy and made me feel powerful. But to me there is still a piece that is missing. The part where I arrive metaphorically in my mind driving a mercedes up into the driveway of my mind, park it and get out, go into the house and ARRIVE.

Empowered is wearing the clothes you want and wearing the hell out of them

Empowered is being so sure and strong in yourself and delving so deeply into your power that other people can feel it and get inspired by it

Empowered is standing strong in yourself, not slumping shoulders, not taking back what you said, not hesitating

Empowered is facing the threat that you might “get introuble” by some of your actions, thoughts, but you can handle it and take respnsibility for yourself.

Empowered means expressing your thoughts with passion the way you want to speak them unleashing yourself with passion

Empowered is letting negative comments bounce off of you. Because you’ve made the switch. You know that your mindset is strong, and that other people don’t run the guidebook of what’s right and wrong.

Empowered also means for me that I attract the right kind of attention and I step into the role/spotlight and own it.

It is knowing that other people’s words can’t affect me unless I give into it. It is knowing that if someone is rude to me or orders me to do something, that I don’t have to give in. That I can take a step back, and with the right knowledge and tools I can manage the situation to be in my favor. I can stand strong and confident. All by achieving this inner state of empowered.

But what I really want to know is how did people come to this state? Where they feel empowered. And all of a sudden their old ways of behavior go out the window.


I want to achieve the mental state of empowerment. I will continue to tell myself positive beliefs and identify mental distortions using CBT. For example, if I catch myself thinking that “If I don’t get this done then I’m going to (WORST CASE SCENERIO). I’m going to say instead that I can handle it. And that “I’m gritty” and “fall 7 times and get up 8.” I am going to access strength that I know is there but it seems like is too hard to get to.

Ties that bind #1: Putting too much value in other people’s opinions


In discussing an episode of map podcast with Dr. John Austin, I asked if leaders or role models need other people to tell them that they are a leader in order for them to have proof that they really are a leader.

In saying the words out loud they triggered a memory. A memory of when I was in college and high school and I embarrassedly kept asking people at parties if they thought i was pretty. It would go something like this. Lure them into conversation and then when they seemed comfortable enough chatting with me, I would ask if they thought I was pretty. How cringworthy now!

But I see that I am doing the same pattern with leadership. Needing comfirmation that I am indeed a leader from other people. hm that sounds weird to me.

It’s just like snow white. Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all!? Like hello, please say that I am?!?!?”

This got me thinking what is external validation? It’s such an overused word to describe how people behave. I’m almost numb to it. But actually for me to see that I am doing the same thing in leadership as I used to do when I was younger about “being pretty” is a big realization.

I thought I’d changed after all these years. I never gave things underlying patterns a second thought. But they are still there, they are just hooked into different ideas this time!

How can I cut ties with this crazy pattern so I can free myself from it’s grips?? So that I am free to move onto the next level of me! Right now it feels like there is something holding me back. Like when I take one step forward toward new behaviors there is an anchor holding me back keeping me safe in the old way of being! But I want the new way.



Here’s where I’m starting:

  1. I can’t do this my byself I need to be coached in order to get to the next level. Why I don’t think there is something wrong with me, I do know that i need to cut ties with this main energy source to rid it.
  2. Toying with the idea to cultivate an extremely positive environment. The environment triggers FEELINGS. And then once I feel worthy or positive I flood my mind and disempowering schemas with new thoughts in an effort to change them. I hope this helps old behaviors crumble.
  3. Honestly I’m pretty sure the ties that bind can be unearthed and healed by some type of healing. And right now I’m considering Dream Interpretation. I was previously interested in the mother wound but I need something simple.

There’s hope going forward that I can change current patterns and behaviors and indeed change my life. I know the quote that Carl Jung said your mind is your life. And so I’m wondering why I’m not rich and famous yet. Is something wrong with my mind?

End Result:

The end result that I am going after here is to BE EMPOWERED. Empowered is not only saying the right words. It’s a state of mind! It’s a feeling! And other people can feel it too.

Change in process: Why I care about Schema’s all of a sudden

Previously I had been wallowing in my insecurities. Knowing that I had them and in going through that path i have finally stumbled across my first experience of feeling different.

I would say this is the real turning point in my journey now. Where I am starting to FEEL fuller. Feeling like, hey you know what, being me is ok. it’s enough for myself and it’s enough for everyone else too.

It’s all about feeling the experience. That is when the change happens in my opinion. Like the saying “you can know something intellectually.” But when the emotions come with the intellectual understanding, that’s when you KNOW the concept.

Well I know now that schema’s are multiple deeply help beliefs. Our beliefs live DEEP in our subconscious mind and they come through to our conscious mind, through feelings, intuition. The conscious mind tries to make sense of it and goes along with it.

I definitely glossed over this information the first time i read it. Because it wasn’t as intellectually stimulating as i thought it would be. And i “got” the info but I felt like I didn’t need to apply it to my life.

But actually I did. Jokes on me!

Because all the thoughts that I had especially about relationships were that I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy enough and that I’m bothering other people if I give them too much interaction. Or always comparing myself to ex girlfriends and thinking I’m not as good or funny as them. How bad is the feeling when you start to take on some of their personality as yours? The worst.

I’ve been countering my negative thoughts that come from my subconscious mind lately. And so far I’m starting to FEEL better. More worthy.

It makes me start to understand the meaning of empowerment and self-actualization. Although I’m curious about that term. And want to explore more what it means to feel truly empowered.

The baby steps of stepping into my power if I’m beautiful and scared of it

I know it sounds REALLY SUPERFICIAL. And I would never have considered before to write about this topic. It seems so fake, like “boo-hoo to you.” But after talking with one of my colleagues. I realize it’s ok to talk about it.

I’m afraid to really look great, to step it up the most that I am able to. Because I know I’m going to look good. I know people will notice. And that makes me nervous for a number of reasons.

  1. It’s really vulnerable. Because in a sense showing people who I really am. On the outside which means I would have to have the internal panache to communcate and hold confidence.
  2. I would have to step into my own power. And I’m unsure if I can handle that.
  3. People will notice. The attention will be on me. And it’s not something I’m good at having because it requires me to be vulnerable again, but this time mixed with the strength and confidence to carry it off and actually have conversations with people.
  4. I’m pretty sure people would notice and I might develop haters (how do I handle those while still moving forward?)

I think that a lot of people, not just me, hold themselves back from things they are good at or natural at. We don’t want to outshine anyone. I know for myself I don’t want to make anyone feel insecure, and I’m also nervous about how to manage my putter appearance with my inside. It is all very complicated, and so it seems much easier to stay in the safe zone.

But I was reading in the book Grit, that most of us don’t use our potential. We live just at the baseline because we worry too much about the limits of how high we can go. We don’t want to go too high, but the author notes that the trees don’t grow into the sky.

How much of my potential am I letting sit idle? If I didn’t care about the opinions of others what would I achieve?

My baby steps:

  1. Understand that there is an energetic wall that I’m putting up that is preventing me from being more authentic, vulnerable, and connecting well. This wall is created by my negative thoughts and sometimes bad experiences from childhood, which turn into actions and habits and normal behavior
  2. Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques such as questioning every time I think a negative thought. And affirm myself that I am worth it.
  3. Do 2 positive things for other people per day. This will help create positive energy around me.

I’ve kept people at a distance because I can’t have them get to know me. I’ve never fully been in a relationship because I’m scared to show others my heart. But to access my full power I need to start tearing down this negative wall so that things can open up for me.

And right now I will start by saying that I know I’m beautiful and I own it.

gabriella did

I’m going to heal my mother wound!

I had my first initial phone call with Bethany Webster who specializes in healing the Mother Wound. I am going to join her private coaching as a result.

I definitely do feel different after acknowledging that there is a mother wound (there’s a father wound too!) that comes with the site of having been born.

After our call, I saw the world differently. I indeed feel that I have fully stepped into the new paradigm of women’s leadership. And that it is the missing component that I surely needed to embrace my own self and abilities.

Because it is like running against a brick wall, trying to be a leader when there is this thing stopping you. And that thing hurts and is painful. And wrapped up in insecurity and uncertainty. That how it feels as I try to break through to let myself shine.

I don’t want to be like the girl with the peal earring. If you’ve seen the movie she basically is this servant girl and guys can just have their way with her. She doesn’t speak or anything.

Couple things that are changing:

  1. I’m able to look women in the face and eyes and actually smile while walking down the street. (Before I would try this exercise of seeing a young women, looking at her in the eyes and smiling. But I could only do it for a half a second and my smile was underconfidnet before I started to feel the eruption of negative feelings.) My intentions were good but the feelings resulted in a block between her and I. And I know she feels it too. And I never knew why. But now I do. The Mother Wound.
  2. I am able to look at young women and see that they are struggling with very much the same things that I am. Negative feelings toward other women when you want to be positiive, sometimes jealous feelings, ABSOLUTELY an underlying feeling of competiion (which I always felt so guilty for)
  3. Comparision (which i have written about before) I can’t stop comparing myself, I almsot came to enjoy it like a game or something. But yesterday for a brief moment I was not attracted to the idea of looking at another girl’s instagram to see how much better, prettier, more interesting she is than I.
  4. A sense of freedom. With which my full self can blossom. And hopefully it will create new pathways to let myself shine more easily!

Like I said I could keep getting the soft skills and pushing hard against the system, but i was still missing a piece of the puzzle. The experience of healing myself.

More to come….

I think I know what female leadership is now

For the past few weeks I’ve been wondering what female leadership looks like. So that I could start to model it in my myself. I looked around but no one was truly up to my standards. There was one girl that kept popping into my head. But her willingness to give kept throwing me off .I  was so convinced that leadership was pushing forward against all resistance. Speaking assertive words and taking assertive action. Over and over again. And if they knock you down you get back up, a little angrier, but still. That was the road I needed to head down.

While I’m still not entirely convinced those things aren’t important. I now know that being female is about giving and nurturing and cultivation. If people were gardens then I think a woman would be the best gardener to help that garden flourish and grow. The ability to grow and nurture was lost on me.

This brings me to the realization that women lead with their best selves when they follow the attachment and caregiving system that is innate within all of us. Even if people don’t want to receive love, they still need it.

I know now It would be a great disservice to the world to deprive it of this type of female leadership. That is so rich with magic!

Borrowing concepts from motherhood and the earth and our intuition I know this is the basis for female leadership.

Male Dominated World

Because male standards have dominated for so long, (and I’m not against men at all) I got lost in thinking that I needed to be a male’s version of an assertive woman. With male values of aggression, butting heads, fighting to the death, winner take all, and ego driven.

That means I took action such as never being nice in my speech because nice means weak. Never being nice in general. I watch some of the female leaders who I can connect to. And they never even respond to an email. That threw me off. No, I don’t want to be like raised in a male society that strips women of all the natural qualities that help people grow.

No, no ,no. COMPLETELY WRONG. That won’t do anything to help female leadership. The foundation of it which takes initiative from the heart and the earth.

Next steps

Now that I have this crucial understanding under my belt, I can move on to the next steps.

As I said before I could keep getting up in front of crowed presentation to ask multiple questions, I could keep not using any exclamation marks in my text so that I seem more serious, I could keep railing against the existing system even though it has knocked me over more than a couple times. I could go against my true nature and be assertive, whatever that means.


I could heal the underlying energy that makes me weak. That is causing me to feel hurt, less than. So that my natural gifts can spring forth. And then I can build on them with some more skills. But a strong energy base is essential. The canvas has to be clean before you can add paint to it. The skin has to be primed before you add makeup! You get the picture.

How to feel the inner mother?

The realization in me, started with a thought about being a giver to people that don’t want to give. I saw giving as weak. But as I started to give, and listen to this Banks song about Mother Earth, I realized that there is strength in giving. And then I realized that you can cultivate people and help them blossom. And then I realized giving love develops my own sense of self, and I was able to tap into my female leadership essence that way.

I am going to investigate the Mother Wound which is a program to heal the wound past down from mothers to daughters. Mothers who were raised in a male-dominated society who have given so much to have kids, but maybe have not dealt with the repressed feelings of a society that doesn’t value women as much as they should.

Or I may get my dreams interpreted. We will see which method of healing I choose. But now I have a solid foundation to build what female leadership is for myself.

Someone told me that you know an alpha dog is an alpha by the way he holds himself and his energy. He doesn’t need to say anything.

And I had the reverse, my energy fluctuates between confident and weak. But I tried to play confident all the time in my words and actions. Thus leaving me open to people retaliating against me. Perhaps because they could sense it wasn’t my authentic self.

What is the right internal environment to feel strong?

If I was well-equipped and practiced enough I could thrive in harsh environments. What would allow me to feel strong more easily? That is the question I am pondering right now.

But like I mentioned before when I am put into experiences where people are required to get to know me on a deeper level or where I feel that I have to lead consequtively every day I get scared and those old hot spots show up and I start hurting. And then my voice gets weak and I have no strength. And I start to doubt myself, to second guess myself. And then it leads to self-defeating mental talk. Sometimes I think these sore spots are gone for good, and it’s just me making it up, but then they come back full force.

What is the right internal environment to feel strong?

If I were to imagine the right internal environment for me to feel strong and good about myself what would it be?

  1. Erase the pain

No heart pain based on the situations that I am put in. No times that I feel weak so that everyone can pounce on me. I would like to look at the root cause of this pain. Could it be my experiences blended with my personality type? How would I even start to uproot that aside from therapy?

There is something that I found called The Mother Wound. Which supposedly we all have as our initiation into life passed down from our mother. I plan to go more in depth into this in a different post.

It is frustrating because I feel that I am a mixture of things. On one hand I am ultra confident. I have so much belief that I can make things happen. The me in my mind envisions putting people in their place and getting things done like a boss.

But, as someone else put it: “You sound so confident sometimes, and then sometimes you don’t”.

I wonder where it all started. A vivid memory that I have is when I was 4 or 5 and I watched my mom sob intensively to my uncle and say “I miss mom.” Her mother had died a few years earlier of multiples scriosis and pneumonia and the same abuse but worse.

My mom who had a hard background that consisted of lowering her own self-esteem from a dad who was verbally and sometimes physically abusive.

I remember being aware at that point that my mother was deeply sad. And there was an underlining sadness and noticible internal struggle within her for most of my childhood and teen years.

I remember feeling responsible for her. I felt that it was my fault that she was crying so hard. It brings me to tears thinking about it. It also makes me angry at her and myself for not being enough to make her happy.

But that is just the past now. And now it’s rubble that is left more me to sort out. 🙂

Perhaps this is where I started to hand over my power in some unconscious way.

2. High self-esteem: feeling good about myself and my choices and my leadership

There’s a lot of people that say “Good vibes” And a good definition that I read is that there is matter and that is what we can see, and then there is energy.

3. Energy is the second component of the right internal environment. The energy that is tied up in my insecurities, unconscious beliefs, pain needs to be freed up so that I can devote it to my confidence.

3. Certainty with real skills

If I was certain that people would like me or how they would react then I would have more freedom to be myself. And then if I knew exactly how to handle their reactions that would help too. But since I’m dealing with the pain on the inside which puts me in a vulnerable position 30% of the time, if I put myself out there in that state then I know people will sense my weakness.

If I was certain that my actions were lining up with the approval of everyone. It’s such a big component for me. And I don’t know how to lift that barrier off of me. I don’t know how to handle conflicting opinions and a lot of criticism of choices that I make. That makes me not go out there and express myself as much as I want because I’m not sure if it’s too much. And I wonder where that comes from and what skills I need to replace them with.

4. Knowledge of my character and how I play an important role in the universe, how everyone does!

Gabriella DiDio let yourself shine

The path to leadership gets rocky…

Before I was excited and a little naïve about this project.

But now I do feel the path has become rocky.

I kind of feel that my survival depends on me being nice. And it frustrates me.

And I start to feel like I am running against a steel wall. Who do I think I am to take on a task this large? But at the same time, I know that what I need to do is help myself become the leader not change the world. It feels like I have no one to turn to.

Do I go back to the people who have shot me down? People do not cooperate when I am being the most intense version of myself.

If I ask more than one question in a crowd, which I find to be really scary to do, I get shut down. It happened earlier this week when I pushed myself to ask two questions in a public setting. No one else was and the presenter kept asking everyone to ask questions. I asked my second question and he said we will cover it another time. So I was embarrassed the rest of the time.

It’s more like a mixture of embarrassment, a little bitterness/resentment, a little excitement, and gratitude. I want to be the voice of the crowd. I’ve seen how empowering it is when one person (particularly a person that I can see myself in) is brave enough to keep going, to keep asking questions or saying statements.

But it is SO DANGEROUS for the person in the fire. What is at stake? Right now, it feels like my relationships, my money to be able to pay rent, my reputation, I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to be seen as the angry woman that this kind of path can make a person.

In crowds, once I know that I’ve hit annoyance, anger, jealously, those are when I know I’m doing something right. Then I know you’ve got to walk through those feelings and that’s where I’ve always gotten off of the path. It’s been too scary to upset people. I’m more of a feeler by nature and feeling those feelings emitting from people makes my mind run wild with stories and …as you can see I don’t get very far before I’m crying into the phone talking to my friend Scarlet. Or worse.. I quit.

Last month, someone told me that I need skills to handle those situations when they come up. And I can’t believe how right they are.

Return your keys

This week I was told to “Return my keys” not the first time I’ve heard that from the dog walking manager.

In dog walking language that means “you’re fired.”

I know this is a result of my behavior change. A little scared and hesitant to keep being strong and direct. This is where I started to stop years ago when I was in a leadership role at an insurance company,

When I start to get wounded. Then I retreat to niceness as a way to keep the peace. Feels like I’m forcing myself to be really nice but that’s not how I want to be.

Finding my voice always and never wavering anymore

Action for this week: To always say what I am thinking and not downplay my point of view or what I have to say so that I can help other people feel superior.

It has taken me a lot of time to be able to use my authentic voice. Since I will be 30 years old in three months I have become more comfortable saying what I genuinely mean. It does take conscious effort to do so. But I believe that is what leaders do. I have to be actively thinking about speaking authentically and be in the mental state that I own my own power.

All the power comes from within.

There doesn’t need to be any right external environment. If I was strong enough inside to show up 100% as myself in a conversation or to shine brightly, I could and would and do (getting better with practice)

Although it is still hard.

To put imagery with it: It feels like I am unwinding a cassette tape backwards and the shiny coated tape is stuffed fully muffling my mouth. Going against the grain when it comes to how I was brought up to behave.

During my week of practice where I was fully strong and letting my leadership qualities emit from deep down inside of me I observed a couple things.

  1. I felt guilt, like I was doing something wrong and I was going to be punished for it
  2. I felt paranoia, like the people I work with were going to talk about how I am “hard to handle” now and ultimately gang up on me
  3. With certain people as I was talking I felt a nagging sense in my head that said “You’re annyoing. you’re annoying. talk faster to get it out before they cut you off.”

There are moments that I would, feel uncomfortable using a strong voice (tightening my solar plexus to ensure sound was emiting from there) or asking people to do something. There would always be an underlying knowingness that I was asking them to do something. And it would read through in my speech.

And I think because other people could sense that it made it a lot harder for me to keep asking.

Today I made a pact with myself that I am going to be true to my voice, What this means is that I am going to use my real voice and say my real thoughts and needs. Without censoring it or making it seem polite.

In the past that this has cost me to lose jobs, be sent home. I think about what a costly move it is to simply be true to yourself and say what you are really thinking. It offends people. Throws them off balance. And it some cases it makes them so hungry to have me begging for mercy.

But I don’t care what they think, any more.

Today as I held myself to this pact, I got frustrated with myself because as I walked into an apartment complex very strong, I thought in my head am I coming across unfriendly? Then the person behind the desk, who seemed very smart and snarky, was able to sense my weakness and I caved and got scared. Losing my strong persona. Unable to hold it. I heard a voice come out of my mouth that had an underlying scared tone. Like someone trying to climb up a long deep well using a rope ladder, but is still too far down the hole.

He had the upper hand.

That’s the thing. Sometimes I get nervous and it causes me to rethink my behaviors. For example am i being too mean? Am i being cold and unfriendly or not flexible? Am i being too selfish? Shouldn’t I be thinking about them? This is a relationship after all. No wonder I got fired from my pet sitting job. (These are some of the thoughts I have)

Another time today, I exercised my commitment to using my voice and it caused a tense situation. I had some schedule overlaps at the dog walking company I work for (as a side job). I texted the manager and asked her some flexibility.

He texts back, “We need to talk. Call me.” I feel like I am his daughter. And that’s not who I am. It annoys me.

He says he is frustrated that I need the flexibility. But instead of saying sorry, or I know. I don’t give it to the frustration. I hold my ground. I am allowed to need things. Especially for as much as I give.

I wait for the axe to drop. I expect that holding so much ground will get me fired. It has before.

But he gives me a little more respect. Ok…

Throughout the day there is still tension in our interactions. Because I will not cave. I won’t bow down. I feel powerful.

Until finally the tension becomes unmovable and I can see if I don’t address the issue I might actually lose this job. So I say, “Are you sure we are addressing the real issue?” Immediately the anger releases. And I am treated with more respect, and consideration. The conversation between us softens.

And I realize that Instead of getting angry when these situations happen, I need to learn how to manage the tension. Get use to the tension. Become best friends with it and move through it, instead of running scared.

Today I started to act a little more coy and not so much upfront. I wondered if expressing my needs was being too selfish or asking for too much in my work relationships and I decided it might take less work to be the nicer version of myself – it’s effortless. It takes energy and focused effort, and a willingness to look consequences (even scary ones!) head on to be the more assertive version. But the impact is better.

I watched A Simple Favor this afternoon and saw what it looks like when a woman is really confident and get’s her way in Blake Lively’s character. It makes her extremely attractive but it gives other women the confidence to be themselves as well.

I noticed when I am assertive and tell people what I am doing rather than asking they respond back to me with a stronger tone as well. At first I was taken back by it thinking it was some kind of personal attack on me. But now I think I might be inspiring them to be more of their authentic selves.

Also today in the grocery store someone asked if i was waiting in line while i was texting on my phone. I said in my normal tone, “no, you can go in front of me.” but he didn’t hear me! (that is nothing new for me though, happens all the time where people can’t “hear” me.) He asked again and I felt like I yelled at him but I just said really assertively and kind of loud. “No I’m not, you can go.” After a few minutes he asked me what he think he should do to get the clerks attention.

Now, if I kept a quieter tone I wonder if he would’ve asked my opinion.

Action: Keep saying my truth even if I feel like I sound unreasonable or kind of rude… Force myself to keep showing leadership whether walking in front of someone down a hall way. As long as it is in a stronger voice (by using the solar plexus) and I am in the state of mind (thinking” That i have all the power. I am a powerful being)