Monthly Archives: August 2019

Feel Really Awkward and Selfish Letting Myself Shine

-August 31, 2019

It is not an easy journey to uncover my real self and let myself and my personality dazzle. Mostly because I’m really outwardly focused. I wouldn’t want to take attention or make anyone else feel less then.

When I see someone shining I used to get really excited for them. But since I had reached a point where I didn’t have the support, or knowledge to know why I was sad or feeling unsatisfied, or not confident, or shy. I started to get a little resentful when other people were being shaped to express their unique traits.

I wonder if I am making a big production over an issue that isn’t really a big deal. That would make me feel stupid and dramatic.

Or I wonder if I would have to change my internal beliefs about myself. Going to a therapist to find out the root cause of why I hold myself back so much.

I recently (as of yesterday) decided to work with a professional coach. Since I am going back into a corporate job to master the situations I previously ran away from, I know I will need some support.

This coach is highly experienced and I feel lucky to have been referred to her through a connection and new friend. 🙂

We discussed where I currently am, and where I would like to be.

I said I would like to be the confident person I know I am underneath, wearing a trendy and fashionable dress, walking with my head held high with a big smile on my face, buzzy energy surrounding me, I respect myself, I speak slowly because my words have value.

That picture is really important to me to achieve. Little by little and then all at once I let my own confidence disintegrate. It is still there but I need some support to become the person I know I am!

I am ready to embark on this journey of happiness and success.

Repress or express – What do I do when I see “my” skill in another girl?

-August 28, 2019

Sadness.sadness.sadness. Does everyone feel this kind of sadness?

It feels overwhelming at some points. Like a deep well of emotion that I can’t let out.

Is this what they call the human experience?

I remember when I worked in a corporate job and I was experiencing a sad day. I would come home, log onto the internet and go onto Pinterest, and typed in “sad girl” but nothing came up and I was astonished.

I hope there are funny moments that I unconsciously work into the posts because someone told me that the best kind of blogs do best with a little humor.

I’m writing this because I feel the knot in my stomach that is associated with feeling threatened.

I normally don’t get triggered or jealous of other girls.

In fact it is one thing I pride myself on and really like!

I prefer to see the brilliance in other women and their traits and talents than to waste time in negative emotions.

But once in a while a person comes around that makes me question my talents.

I see these people as a test to see how much I’ve grown and what emotions and insecurities still need to be worked through in myself.

Can I Ever Be Jealously Free?

I have been trying to figure out jealously for at least 4 years. The root cause of it, how to get rid of it, how to get to the other side of it. Like I said I rarely get jealous because I know it is an animal emotion. Maybe 1 case every 1.5 years.

The best advice that I still remember was from a Jewish business man I sat next to on a plane to New York City.

 He  told me that sometimes you have to go against your instincts.

And that’s what I agree with when it comes to the urge of competitiveness with other women.

Jealously tells me that the other person must be doing something right.

And also tells me there’s something that I feel I’m lacking.

When I did a mental scribble in my head of what I might feel is lacking,

I came down to a sense of belonging. This person belongs and is loved.

Am I?

I know the answer is because I don’t let myself be loved. And that is something I need to work on.

Because being loved for who you are inside and out and having a sense of belonging is awesome. I also feel that this person has a lot of energy. Do I?

Inside Myself

I reckon the answer to these questions is to become so confident and secure in myself. To fully know and understand my talents and to make sure they are refined.

I know that energy can’t be destroyed but it can be transformed.

I get down on myself because like other people I am human. I get jealous, I feel threatened, I am concerned with age and youth.

And I feel how can I have a mission to empower women when I too compare myself?

I was in a bookstore and I stumbled upon Robert Greene’s book The Art of Seduction. Normally I would shy away from it but this time I picked it up.

I was reading about the seduction archetypes and they intrigued me.

I feel like I am a charismatic archetype. And it struck me that the person I may have been “jealous” of is a star.

Once I knew what my skill was I felt a little better about myself and retained some personal power back.

The thing about comparison and jealously is that it sucks the life out of you.

It migh prevent me from becoming friends with someone I find interesting. 

I also did research and learned that women get jealous of other women when they are close to peak fertility age.

This is true if there is a mate involved. Peak age is early 20s.

I had to stop myself, if I were to remove the biological piece of the equation would I still feel that tension when I thought of this person?

And the answer is not really. Sure, I’d have to work at it. But I’m convinced that we must have some new research on how women can overcome the jealously factor that is hardwired in us.

So the question is, is it my biology that I should ignore?

My experience in Montreal and inner pain levels

As I’ve mentioned the point of this blog is to document my journey toward being a strong confident leader. The goal is to document every step of the way.

As I am just starting this journey I have a lot of mixed feelings about being so vulnerable and other people knowing exactly what I am doing.

I recently went to Montreal for a Mastermind and an event. I feel really gross about being so open and typing about it.

But the experience was great. My feelings were cringeworthy.

That is how I feel when I let myself be myself.

It is really cringeworthy to speak openly and on a personal level, knowing that what I am saying may sound stupid. Or for people to see me for who I really am and actually care about it. The whole thing makes me cringe. It makes me hate myself for being myself.

That might sound really harsh, but the whole idea of feelings, of being a real person is cringeworthy for a lot of people.

Beginning to Change Old Behaviors?

Since I spent the last five years actively dodging group events and friendships of any kind, I experienced highs and los through out the week when the closeness and actual caring nature of the people at the Mastermind started to overwhelm me.

Previously, my belief was that relationships will never last. Friendships mainly. I scoffed at the proverbs and ancient quotes that said true friendships bring real happiness and joy.

They never brought me joy.

Why bother trying to make them. The voice is my head says nobody wants to really get to know me anyway.

My friend Scarlet who is my friend/psychic that I have to called for the last five years told me before the trip to be my own best friend.

And that was good advice, as there were moments that I felt isolated, that I stood out too much, not apart of the group, sometimes not good enough, sometimes too egocentric, or that I don’t belong.

There were also moments where I started to feel connected. Where being myself naturally flowed and I felt safe.

I realized that friendships with the right people take time to nuture. If I am open to them they provide a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and happiness.

Back to the event, t’s a mixture of feeling that everyone has their own families and friends already set, so there’s no room for me. And also feeling that there are not many people I truly connect with.

The root of my self-esteem

Someone recently told me that sometimes I sound really confident and other times I don’t. And it’s true. I have a split nature where I am REALLY CONFIDENT. Please, I know the answers, I know the directions, I know how you feel. But when I try to express it, it comes out meek.. And it’s thwarted by the side of me that is hurting.

On my way back to Seattle, I stopped in Delaware on the way back to Seattle.

When I travel to Montreal (this is my third time this year) I wait to buy my ticket home partly because I’m scared to spend the money the first time around.

I went home to where I grew up and my parents live.

Even though there are times that I know I feel confident. Especially when I am on my own.

When I am in an environment where I used to be insecure I revert right back to that mentality.

It’s amazing how the inner pain levels also correlate with the thoughts.

The pockets of pain that I feel inside when I am put in situations just above my level of comfort are very tender. It’s like part of me wants to open and deepen but there is this really tender pain that needs to be ripped open.

Providing temporary pain but lasting openess.

Sometimes even if I feel good self-esteem wise the pain and sensitive spots on the inside hold me back.

It hurts to move forward.

Anyway, I got a shower at my parents house and I did my hair and makeup. Feeling confident wearing makeup and doing my hair with a curling iron at my childhood home is usually a no-no. It would result in people noticing that I tried to look nice, and for some reason that brings up really selfconscious feelings.

When i came down the stairs to show my mom and continue with our day she stared at me. She started to make awkward body language.

 I asked her if she felt insecure and she said no. But it looked like she started to cover herself and any perceived flaws. 

The moment passed and we walked into the living room. I noticed the brown oval mirror in the living room. I immediately looked down and away so I couldn’t see my reflection.

I couldn’t see myself because I thought “If I looked at myself in the mirror I know I won’t look as good as I want to. I will immediately notice any flaws and it will ruin my day.”

I didn’t want to get sucked into the black hole of insecurity so I found it easier to look away.

This reminded me of high school. Where I AVOIDED all mirrors at any cost for at least 3 maybe even 4 years. 

I hated the reflection that stared back at me. And I never looked up to my standards. I used to make fun of myself to other people so they wouldn’t think it was weird.

I asked my mom to take a picture of me for this blog. I felt so awkward that I couldn’t even open my eyes confidently. It’s hard to overcome old ways. I feel embarrassed and awkward.

Action taken: wear hair and makeup at my parents home. This brings up old feelings and ways of behaving that need to be worked through.

When did I decide to be a badass?

I’ve decided right now that I’m a badass. I think I look better with an angry face anyway. The choice came today actually after taking some time to myself. I got fired from my dog walking job because I told the owner that walking 8 miles isn’t in line with my beliefs anymore and I can’t be a super people pleaser anymore.

I noticed the most pain experiences helped to toughen me up. I’ve been able to survive a blows. But sometimes they don’t do the trick right away. The more the blows strike you, you finally get to the one that’s going to ring your bell. The last blow that makes you change.

I think betrayal, being ditched for another girl definitely helped make me angry enough to change. The nice girl facade that I wear is REALLY hard to crack.

To express or not to express, to rock the boat or keep it steady

I’ve always gotten in trouble for my speech. Sometimes it hits people too hard. I am a sagittarius and i know we can be known for our blunt candor. Communication is one of my greatest strengths and also it gets me in trouble a lot too.

I’ve always gotten in trouble because I don’t like to play by the rules. It’s cost me jobs. I’ve been fired from two. One time because I am not a robot who can just type all day mindlessly. And the second one for standing up for myself. I’ve also been sent home for standing up for myself.

Just something about the way I speak hits people the wrong way and something extreme always happen as a result. Like sending me home.

As a result I have been scared to rock the boat since the age of 26. But now at 29, I’m ready to start rocking it again.

In wondering if I should start to use my blunt candor again. A couple thoughts have crossed my mind.

  1. Will I say the wrong thing?
  2. Can I trust my speech and words not to cause tension in other people?

And now I am answering them with.

NO. I can trust myself to ask a simple question. I know I don’t say obscene things. I’m pretty tasteful. The thing is, it’s the energy behind the words that I think rubs people the wrong way. And the fact that it’s straightforward. Does this always have to be a bad thing?

I’m ready to stand up and ask questions again. I’ve had enough of the silent life. It’s much more fun to be a participant.

And to be a badass.

How many times can I compare myself to others?

Angle: How many times will I betray myself until it’s enough?

There’s that famous quote from the Elizabeth Browning poem that starts with “How Do I Love Thee Let me Count the Ways?”

Well for me, it should go like:

“How Many Times Do I Compare Myself, Let Me Count the Ways?”

That’s pretty much been my mantra for my whole life.

It feels awful to compare yourself to other women. I did it with men as well, but when I get into self-destructive behavior when I’m triggered, and try to see how low I can possibly go. My drug of choice is to look on social media at girls that the guys I like have dated and compare myself to them. Spoiler alert: I’m never good enough. Even if I deem myself as prettier, more going on, smarter etc than them I am not them. And that is why I always fall short.

That is the stuff that is intoxicating to me. It makes me feel so bad that I crave more of it.

I don’t just stop at comparing myself in love, i do it just as often in work. I see one strength in someone else and instantly my compare radar goes on. I sometimes talk myself out of my mind going through the story set up of comparing me with the other person. But then again, my will gives in and I just can’t resist giving myself this “treat.”

I read in the book Women’s Inhumanity Towards Women that phrased something that I’ve always felt to be true. It said that when women run into another woman they instantly size them up as being better than them or the other woman being better than them. This is how the rank goes. So it makes sense that when I compare myself and have someone rank better than me I go into a self-deprecating behavior with some jealous pangs about what makes me good.

In Rhonda Britten’s book Fearless Living, which is about living fearlessly and getting into the reservoir of feelings that make you not good enough, there are exercises to complete. I was completing one of the exercises on a post-it note when I started wondering how many women I’ve compared myself to the guy I liked.

I liked this guy for 6 months and I wrote down the names of every woman on Instagram that I stalked daily to see if she posted a new picture. So that I could see if the guy liked it, and then i could make up the story that they were secretly in love and I could never be good enough for him.

The same story every time. The list came out to 5 or 6 women. I then decided to add to the list and write down some other comparisons I made recently, in the area of being a leader.

Around that time I was also questioning why I am not recognized as a leader by outside players when it is clear that I am.

A question came to mind. “How many times are going to compare yourself?” It was in that instant that I understood that I am not those other people. They are separate. And that there is something here within me. I am a person too, I am not just a shell. Just because I am living my life through my eyes doesn’t mean that I don’t exist.

I recognized that because I don’t see myself through the eyes of others, I am the one doing the watching through my own eyes. And that made me feel like I’m not existent. I understood that I do not need to be them to be happy. Because what I have is pretty great and something to work with. They have their own problems and they are different people, so why would I want to be them anyway when I can be me?

I’m trying to put this realization into words so that you can copy.

Through guidance I learned that the work that I have to do is within me. And only when I have done the work on making myself comfortable in the areas that I think are defects that is when I can support others fully, stop comparing myself because there is nothing to compare, we are different people, see others as individuals that need love. And not competition.

Bring the energy from the outside and focus on the inside.

To be a role model start with your beliefs

Do you want to be someone that people admire? That they see your behavior and they want to copy it.

But right now you are someone that is not recognized for their leadership ability or recognized for any standard of excellence.

In fact your most notable traits are: being the nice girl. Adopting a cutesy attitude, perhaps talking in a slightly baby voice that you can’t shake. Taking actions that you think are cute? And knocking yourself down a peg or two in the process so that no one else can do it first.

There’s nothing wrong with being a nice person, but too much of this behavior can have you feeling like a mummy in a sarcophogus.

Imagine a world where you were aware of your talents, you had the knowledge of how to access the absolute best version of you. You didn’t need to rack up so many painful experiences to find your voice, to find the best most natural parts of yourself and bring them out.

Whose Power Do You Respect?

There are times, that even I don’t respect a woman’s power like I should. When I’ve had a really bad day and I just can’t find the patience to be patient and understanding.

And I tend to have less patience with women than men.

For example calling the bank to ask to reverse fees (a real situation). When a guy gets on the phone, my tone goes from a little irritated to negotiation mode. I am nicer and I try to get my way by negotiated a deal.

But when the woman teller insisted she was a supervisor and that she couldn’t reverse the fee, my ego couldn’t take it.

My good natured self said listen to her, but my ego said you aren’t going to let her tell you what can and can’t be reversed?! Who is she? You need to get her manager on the phone!

Because at some deep level you know her words do not hold the weight it should’ve.

It feels disempowering, hopeless, ineffective when people dismiss your power. I know what your achilles heel is. You know what mine is. It’s that we are women.

It’s that I can be easily dismissed. And that belief needs to be uprooted in myself and others for real change to occur.

Beliefs

You can blame outside forces that irritate and dismiss you. Surely you will find that they exist.

But that’s not how to create change.

For as long as I have been alive I have always thought that the reason I m not seen as assertive is because people try to hold me back.

They can’t handle how good I am and for this reason I must suffer at their hand.

But I’ve had this idea that to fill you up with your essence and remove the nice girl armor you need to first study your beliefs.

What are beliefs?

Tony Robbins says that beliefs are preformed, preorganized, approaches to perception that filter our communication to ourselves in a consistent manner.

They come from your environment, what you saw was achieved when you were younger, whether you were rich or poor, middle class. Whether your mother was assertive or docile.

And your experiences, for example if you were able to interact with a famous person and they said you have talent. That reshaped the experience of what is possible to achieve.

If you want to be a role model that other people look up to you the first step is to find out what you believe and what is holding you back. Because you may not even be conscious of memories that are holding you back, if they are painful enough.

For example, here’s how an experience has shaped my belief both consciously and unconsciously.

Toward the end of my college, I had a group of girlfriends, and we had a reputation that we earned called “Mean Girls”. I take responsibility that I was part of a gossipy exclusive clique that eventually gossiped and excluded me.

It looked like months and months I lived in the attic of a house where the occupants wanted nothing to do with me. Sometimes they put things in front of my door so I could not get out.

Soon I started acted the way they thought I was and that did not help my case!

So since then I have not found or let people get too close.

The thing is I know I lived through that experience but I only remember bits and pieces and the rest is blocked out.

What do you believe about yourself and about other women?

Do you believe that you are smart enough? You might say yes, but your unconscious might think otherwise.

Do you doubt yourself when other people lean in to your insecurities?

Because your beliefs about yourself are written all over your face and other people see them too.

What do you really truely believe about women who are confident and show up as their best selves?

Do you want to see them thrive or love to see them fail?