As I’ve mentioned the point of this blog is to document my journey toward being a strong confident leader. The goal is to document every step of the way.
As I am just starting this journey I have a lot of mixed feelings about being so vulnerable and other people knowing exactly what I am doing.
I recently went to Montreal for a Mastermind and an event. I feel really gross about being so open and typing about it.
But the experience was great. My feelings were cringeworthy.
That is how I feel when I let myself be myself.
It is really cringeworthy to speak openly and on a personal level, knowing that what I am saying may sound stupid. Or for people to see me for who I really am and actually care about it. The whole thing makes me cringe. It makes me hate myself for being myself.
That might sound really harsh, but the whole idea of feelings, of being a real person is cringeworthy for a lot of people.
Beginning to Change Old Behaviors?
Since I spent the last five years actively dodging group events and friendships of any kind, I experienced highs and los through out the week when the closeness and actual caring nature of the people at the Mastermind started to overwhelm me.
Previously, my belief was that relationships will never last. Friendships mainly. I scoffed at the proverbs and ancient quotes that said true friendships bring real happiness and joy.
They never brought me joy.
Why bother trying to make them. The voice is my head says nobody wants to really get to know me anyway.
My friend Scarlet who is my friend/psychic that I have to called for the last five years told me before the trip to be my own best friend.
And that was good advice, as there were moments that I felt isolated, that I stood out too much, not apart of the group, sometimes not good enough, sometimes too egocentric, or that I don’t belong.
There were also moments where I started to feel connected. Where being myself naturally flowed and I felt safe.
I realized that friendships with the right people take time to nuture. If I am open to them they provide a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and happiness.
Back to the event, t’s a mixture of feeling that everyone has their own families and friends already set, so there’s no room for me. And also feeling that there are not many people I truly connect with.
The root of my self-esteem
Someone recently told me that sometimes I sound really confident and other times I don’t. And it’s true. I have a split nature where I am REALLY CONFIDENT. Please, I know the answers, I know the directions, I know how you feel. But when I try to express it, it comes out meek.. And it’s thwarted by the side of me that is hurting.
On my way back to Seattle, I stopped in Delaware on the way back to Seattle.
When I travel to Montreal (this is my third time this year) I wait to buy my ticket home partly because I’m scared to spend the money the first time around.
I went home to where I grew up and my parents live.
Even though there are times that I know I feel confident. Especially when I am on my own.
When I am in an environment where I used to be insecure I revert right back to that mentality.
It’s amazing how the inner pain levels also correlate with the thoughts.
The pockets of pain that I feel inside when I am put in situations just above my level of comfort are very tender. It’s like part of me wants to open and deepen but there is this really tender pain that needs to be ripped open.
Providing temporary pain but lasting openess.
Sometimes even if I feel good self-esteem wise the pain and sensitive spots on the inside hold me back.
It hurts to move forward.
Anyway, I got a shower at my parents house and I did my hair and makeup. Feeling confident wearing makeup and doing my hair with a curling iron at my childhood home is usually a no-no. It would result in people noticing that I tried to look nice, and for some reason that brings up really self–conscious feelings.
When i came down the stairs to show my mom and continue with our day she stared at me. She started to make awkward body language.
I asked her if she felt insecure and she said no. But it looked like she started to cover herself and any perceived flaws.
The moment passed and we walked into the living room. I noticed the brown oval mirror in the living room. I immediately looked down and away so I couldn’t see my reflection.
I couldn’t see myself because I thought “If I looked at myself in the mirror I know I won’t look as good as I want to. I will immediately notice any flaws and it will ruin my day.”
I didn’t want to get sucked into the black hole of insecurity so I found it easier to look away.
This reminded me of high school. Where I AVOIDED all mirrors at any cost for at least 3 maybe even 4 years.
I hated the reflection that stared back at me. And I never looked up to my standards. I used to make fun of myself to other people so they wouldn’t think it was weird.
I asked my mom to take a picture of me for this blog. I felt so awkward that I couldn’t even open my eyes confidently. It’s hard to overcome old ways. I feel embarrassed and awkward.
Action taken: wear hair and makeup at my parents home. This brings up old feelings and ways of behaving that need to be worked through.